Was It Really Worth It?

Was it really worth it?

Dear Tumblr Diary

Was it really worth it? I have to say that yes! I know everyone and their mothers are talking about the slap that was seen around the world. Being that I’m more of a will smith fan. Than I am of Jada pinker and or Chris Rock. I have to say this to me, was seen a long time ago. Not Will Smith going up on stage SLAPPING the living shit out of Chris Rock. But! Will Smith standing up for himself as a person. I say person rather than man. Because in my eye’s your gender, sex (Identity) in that aspect has nothing to do with standing your ground and demanding your respect. Over the years I have seen how many people, celebrities or those who frequent them. Try and emasculate him, provoke him or taunt in one way or another. I’m not a person who’s big on pop culture or whats in the happening now. As an outlier, when things are big. Big enough to catch my attention. I give it!

Over the years, This red table from his wife, daughter and mother in law has come up. And other aspects of there lives have come into the public eye. Which in a patriarchal society, has made will smith seem like too much of a passive guy. "Seem" being the operative word here! I’ve always liked will smith because of his down to earth humor and relatability. I too, am his completion. And goofy like him too. I guess like most fans I have attached aspects of my identity to him and his success. I think thats why most people go really hard for there Idol. Or a celebrity that makes them feel.

I too know the ways of suffering in silence. I know how it feels to bite your tongue. And keep a pretty smilie face on for optics. It has to be hard for him in ways that we could and or only imagine. I do not have children and nor am I married to a woman who’s free to spill the beans about our personal matters. Now! Small disclaimer! (I don’t know shit about there personal lives) He for all intensive purposes can be just as guilty as her with having entanglements. BUt! The reason for this post is to share why I agree wit this, "SLAPPING" of the rock. The Chris rock, you see from other sources and even from both of their statements on social media they have Identified each other as friends. But! Would a friend constantly poke fun of you. Especially with a room full of people he could have chosen to poke fun at.

Almost every time I have seen Will smith in the media before this incident, It was deeply heart felt. When listing to him, either podcasters talk about him or when on YouTube videos of his being shown. It seemed to me there was always more behind that mans eyes. I believe, he felt that he could not choose wisely. I may be wrong. Fuck I am wrong because with everyone getting a divorce. He could HAVE left her! Or her leave him!? But they choose to stay together.

Was the joke a really bad joke no! But! When sources on TV and other social media outlets confirm that Jada has a medical condition. It makes it all the worse. Will smith on hot97 and other platforms is always in someone’s mouth. And who knows what was said between the couple about her condition. NOt!!!!! to mention as a gay man! My hair is everything to me. I like how it’s an extension of myself expression and Identity. So I can totally see this being that for any women. Especially a celebrity. I share in her pain in knowing that something thats out of her control is happening to her body. How she has to change her thoughts. Not to mention, her self perception is going to be a real eye opener for her.

She has brought up time before that she & Tupac have been in love. She to me has not gotten over that. Has not moved on or even properly grieved his death. I again can relate to wanting to love someone and it being snatched from you. Taken with out notice. Only to deal with the remains. It’s nothing you can do but! Deal!

Maybe these scenarios, are what we’re running in the thoughts of Will Smith. How he’s always shrugging things off. Letting things go. Being passive about the amount of disrespect that thrown him. There’s always the straw that breaks the camel’s back. And talking about backs. The way the internet has show support! I have to say is funny, But! Fucked up. I myself had to take a MOMENT and realize I too play in to his man’s mental help.

This persons feelings are being disregarded! When people are constantly checking him about how he should behave and not how it’s ok to be. To just be. He’s a mentor, father, probably someone’s brother or cousin. He’s a husband. All titles, many people on this planet can relate to. Was rock wrong? I’m still indifferent about it because the statement says He did not know. And being that they are celebrities. He has his brand to run. And they have their own to run as well. As the women around always say “ MInd the business that pays you” and well, In Chris rocks case, It didn’t pay that well on stage. But!!!!! I have to say that he did handle that very well. Even when Will smith kept it going from his seat! He kept his composure.

I’m from the hood. So! For me one smack ain’t gonna kill no body. It night get you knocked out. But, It ain’t gonna kill no one. I

Here’s your cuteness of the day.

Meep

(via)

My Migration Part 1

I have been silent for the last few months because so much has been happening to me. Have So much to share, so many variations of my truths. Many that I like to share and so many that show how ugly I am too.

First I HAVE TO SAY THANK YOU! Thank you for still being here! reading my life's journey and stories that I express with you.

Secondly, I would also like to state that more stories are here to come.

For the last two or so months. I have been in the mode of should I stay or should I go. I Currently reside in a shore lined Studio apartment here in Yonkers. With very nice amenities. In my unit I have a washer and dryer as well, a garbage disposal. One I use very often and a Dish washer that I have yet to touch. I pay for water and I never wanted to be tempted and or pay a very high water bill. I spike it often by washing loads and loads of laundry and lengthy showers.

When I returned home from my deployment, I had a need, a wanting a hunger to be with nature and to be a lone. I was always surrounded by people. But! mostly people who didn't get me or that were not my type of people. Add on to that, a base where I'm in the middle of no where. Just sand and the hot sun. Along a sea of people who burn when the planet faces the sun. it's always something that was bothering me. Always something that effected me. If it wasn't a micro aggression, It was a macro one.

For the sake of not repeating myself. I choose to live here in Yonkers because I felt that It was time to leave. Time to be free and branch out from the city and see what else my state had to offer. Even though It's just over a bridge or two. Now a year and a few months have gone and I have to leave. I have a hand of good times and a lot of rough ones. No bad, after all, all things are bout perspective. Right!?

I'm in a bit of a bind and this is the real reason as to why I am moving. I am short on funds and have to figure out how to manage my life. However the conclusion that I have come to is to just leave! Move with a bow of grace and probably rent a room . Not only am I having financial issues. I can't afford the new rates that have been set for where I live. Do I feel safe here!? That would be a relatively yes. Am I at peace when I come home to rest me head, no! And that has much to do with my surrounding environment. Commonly called, my neighbors. The building is made of wood and not concrete. Which I have to tell you is absolutely madding. I hate that I can hear them breath through their feet. The sound quality of the building is terrible. I never thought that in my many years of living. Sound would be the one thing to annoy me the most as an adult.

The sound quality is so bad that when I see people in the building looking to rent I tell them the absolute truth. Without omissions, Unlike what happened to me when I signed my lease. Other than the sound quality. I have to say I like that it's not 10,000 people or so who live here. Just a few hundred. There are two gyms and not everyone uses them. But! The pool, the pool it’s always full. There I stay away, besides the pool is shallow. If you were to look at me you can tell I need something big and something deep. Shallow was never my for take.

With all this said and done. I just need to figure out what my next move is going to be. I greatly dislike they they hav e placed me in this position. I mean aren’t they getting enough money with me being in the unit. I have to say this greed is so annoying. Like I’m already paying this money. I strive to not be a petty practitioner. But! I feel I need to cast against them. His response when I told him what I’m now sharing with you guys was that, “ He needed to put the unit for market value” I just gave home the saltiest look. Like you’re already getting paid!!!! His other response was “If I were to bring in someone new, I would market the unit at $2.200” that’s a big difference. Not to mention living here feels as if I’m paying a mortgage. This is super inconvenience.

To be continued……….

Pike recently has become obsessed with the nebula light in our livingroom.

This is the cutes thing ever!

Dear Tumbler Diary

This to me, will always be a dream. I have been told by the Goddess of "self love" herself. That I would always have issues with love. I honestly do not know how to unravel that per-say. But! if I had to guess. I would say that the ball will always been my court and I have such an awareness that. I should always do what's best for me. & if I don't then the issue is mine, because I know better.

And like 23 year old me would say. "If you know better! Then you should do better"! Now I see that's not completely true. Then I spoke with the mindset of someone who did not have what he has now. I spoke with privilege and arrogance. I spoke like I knew everything. I also think that's why I'm still single. Because I think I know everything. I can also see how that's a major turn off. I myself am turned off by it. I can see how others are too.

When It comes to love I'm very delusional and I know I cannot be trusted. My head and heart are always fighting about what they want and what they need. The modern gay is too free and uneducated on how to court and love one another. We have many examples of how to fuck and have safer sex. But! not too many examples of how to love yourself or how to love the same sex or gender. How to have a successful healthy relationship. That's why I think we as gays and we as non whites have an issues. The stigmas and history surrounding homosexuality and What love is supposed to be. Even what main stream religion says how we’re to love in our organic environments. They won't let it happen. & if it does. Someone, somewhere for the sake or morals and beliefs. Sacrifices something! It does not always have to be grand or even a big sacrifice. But! There's always something given up.

One of the ways homosexuals sacrifice love is, by doing what’s expected of them. Listing to people who probably mean well, but don’t walk in the shoes of us. Happiness is the of the worse sacrifices to make. When stripped of it. Resentment and self loathing kicks in like over watered roots of any house plants. From the inside out it rots. It decay’s. Over time killing the person of all that would have and even could have made them better! Better people and bette for there community.

When I though I had found the love of my life. I was lost in desire. Love spells or attraction spells are dangerous because, they need to be done by people who are of sound mind. To me, if you do not have a strong foundation of self awareness, aware of your own imperfections and well as your blessings. Then you sorta cursed yourself to be with someone who you! Become dependent on.

One night in my early years of adult hood. I took it upon myself. With my half baked mindset. To cast into the universe to bring to me the qualities in a man that I hold dear and desired. This man was a man who had the eye of everyone. But! who came home to me! He was wealthy in love and energy. And yada yada yada. So I wrote these qualities down on a paper bag. Written in devil blood ink. On the night of a new moon of blessings. I took my deck of tarot. "This is where I fucked up" and placed the Lovers first followed by the Six of cups. Here! is where I FUCKED ME! and hard too. Followed by other suits. It was a while ago. So forgive for not giving too much detail. I had a red votive candle blessed and charged the night before. I placed it directly on my deck and anointed the space with Freshly cracked black pepper and willow leaves from Central Park. I love working with willow. And yes of course the tincture was blessed and anointed by HECATE. So not only did I call out to the Universe. I called HECATE too. Which was not really a good Idea. because I did not offer her the things I was supposed to. And back then I was depressed and was looking for a way of escape. In that time of my life. Sexual pleasure was my way out. "Who says being a slut isn't fun!"

Now! fast forward many years later A child of Yemaya and of the other Orisha, I know more now. Even better! I should have not only respected myself. But! my craft. Looking back now I can say I disrespected HECATE. writing this I see I have a debt to pay! She too has always been good to me. Blessed me with all wishes i asked for. Now, i take into account of how I cast spells and what for. Not all things can be completed with magic. But! It sure helps. Lol to be honest a natural love. And health and bountiful love will come to me. I just have to be sure to be ready for it. And welcome it with light and love in my heart, money on the bank and foundation so strong. That even when the earth quakes, moves and cries we are undisturbed and unaware of the fires that are outside our door!

serve your plate first before serving others.

He asked me when I fell in love with him and I knew it sounded dramatic to say the moment I saw him, so I told him this story of my grandma who had Alzheimer's- she forgot her name and the words for fruit and food, she forgot her address and how to use the washroom, all her life lost to the disease. The only thing she remembered was her son's name and when that began to fade, the one thing she always remembered was that she loved him, even in illness, even in insanity. She saw this 6 foot 2 man with a scrubby beard and she didn't know him but she said she trusted him, she asked him to hold her hand when she died. When does memory end and love begin? All I know is- she loved him before she remembered him.

-Ritika Jyala, excerpt from The world is a sphere of ice and our hands are made of fire