Was It Really Worth It?

Was it really worth it?

Dear Tumblr Diary

Was it really worth it? I have to say that yes! I know everyone and their mothers are talking about the slap that was seen around the world. Being that I’m more of a will smith fan. Than I am of Jada pinker and or Chris Rock. I have to say this to me, was seen a long time ago. Not Will Smith going up on stage SLAPPING the living shit out of Chris Rock. But! Will Smith standing up for himself as a person. I say person rather than man. Because in my eye’s your gender, sex (Identity) in that aspect has nothing to do with standing your ground and demanding your respect. Over the years I have seen how many people, celebrities or those who frequent them. Try and emasculate him, provoke him or taunt in one way or another. I’m not a person who’s big on pop culture or whats in the happening now. As an outlier, when things are big. Big enough to catch my attention. I give it!

Over the years, This red table from his wife, daughter and mother in law has come up. And other aspects of there lives have come into the public eye. Which in a patriarchal society, has made will smith seem like too much of a passive guy. "Seem" being the operative word here! I’ve always liked will smith because of his down to earth humor and relatability. I too, am his completion. And goofy like him too. I guess like most fans I have attached aspects of my identity to him and his success. I think thats why most people go really hard for there Idol. Or a celebrity that makes them feel.

I too know the ways of suffering in silence. I know how it feels to bite your tongue. And keep a pretty smilie face on for optics. It has to be hard for him in ways that we could and or only imagine. I do not have children and nor am I married to a woman who’s free to spill the beans about our personal matters. Now! Small disclaimer! (I don’t know shit about there personal lives) He for all intensive purposes can be just as guilty as her with having entanglements. BUt! The reason for this post is to share why I agree wit this, "SLAPPING" of the rock. The Chris rock, you see from other sources and even from both of their statements on social media they have Identified each other as friends. But! Would a friend constantly poke fun of you. Especially with a room full of people he could have chosen to poke fun at.

Almost every time I have seen Will smith in the media before this incident, It was deeply heart felt. When listing to him, either podcasters talk about him or when on YouTube videos of his being shown. It seemed to me there was always more behind that mans eyes. I believe, he felt that he could not choose wisely. I may be wrong. Fuck I am wrong because with everyone getting a divorce. He could HAVE left her! Or her leave him!? But they choose to stay together.

Was the joke a really bad joke no! But! When sources on TV and other social media outlets confirm that Jada has a medical condition. It makes it all the worse. Will smith on hot97 and other platforms is always in someone’s mouth. And who knows what was said between the couple about her condition. NOt!!!!! to mention as a gay man! My hair is everything to me. I like how it’s an extension of myself expression and Identity. So I can totally see this being that for any women. Especially a celebrity. I share in her pain in knowing that something thats out of her control is happening to her body. How she has to change her thoughts. Not to mention, her self perception is going to be a real eye opener for her.

She has brought up time before that she & Tupac have been in love. She to me has not gotten over that. Has not moved on or even properly grieved his death. I again can relate to wanting to love someone and it being snatched from you. Taken with out notice. Only to deal with the remains. It’s nothing you can do but! Deal!

Maybe these scenarios, are what we’re running in the thoughts of Will Smith. How he’s always shrugging things off. Letting things go. Being passive about the amount of disrespect that thrown him. There’s always the straw that breaks the camel’s back. And talking about backs. The way the internet has show support! I have to say is funny, But! Fucked up. I myself had to take a MOMENT and realize I too play in to his man’s mental help.

This persons feelings are being disregarded! When people are constantly checking him about how he should behave and not how it’s ok to be. To just be. He’s a mentor, father, probably someone’s brother or cousin. He’s a husband. All titles, many people on this planet can relate to. Was rock wrong? I’m still indifferent about it because the statement says He did not know. And being that they are celebrities. He has his brand to run. And they have their own to run as well. As the women around always say “ MInd the business that pays you” and well, In Chris rocks case, It didn’t pay that well on stage. But!!!!! I have to say that he did handle that very well. Even when Will smith kept it going from his seat! He kept his composure.

I’m from the hood. So! For me one smack ain’t gonna kill no body. It night get you knocked out. But, It ain’t gonna kill no one. I

too funny

spring

all the touches have me weak plssss

Open or close casket

How much of yourself is supposed to be given in the name of love? What are the rules for living independently, dependently? Can I breath with my own permission? Am I allowed to feel what I want without you!?

At what point, is affection and consideration, gestures willingly done without force?

People say being single is terrible. I say being single is a book that needs to be written. Single people witness couples people go through there ups and downs. Single people believe it or not! Know most of your intimate Intricacies as well your inadequacies too. All in the name of being heard. I listen!

Relationships are conventionally thought to be two people who admires so much that they rather be together than a part. In today’s world it’s almost always how hard can you make me cum. How much can you give me for this pleasure? Well if you don’t know. Im single who’s ready to mingle. But! Many of my close friends are not. One in particular is the Enchantress. A woman so beautiful, she is said to make even the most of (homo) reconsider if he is.

You see, she’s been in a relationship with this man for two going on three years now. A relationship that was budding like the spring equinox were in. Often I’d see her rushing into a cab leaving us behind. While we were in a group setting. Usually I would consider this being rude. But! I too know the bee sting of love. Her man is a doctor who originally from South America. But! Was raised here in the states. My friend has a taste for the luxurious things in life. She chooses to be with a man who has what it takes. Than a man she’s have to build up and be drained from. And No! She has her own. And yes! She does identify, occasionally, as a gold digger.

The way she puts it, is that men. No matter where, on the planet choose to be with a naturally bountiful woman. A woman who can and does understand his emotional, physical and spiritual needs. So why not be with a man who can make this bond, a enjoyable one. Never having to worry about the price on a tag. Or the amount on a dinner bill. To focus on what she’s naturally capable of doing. Giving birth and tending to their children.

I had a hard time, honestly; viewing her perspective at first. Until I first hand had seen what women go through in romantic settings. How they are expected to always give up or tend to more than their partners. This too can be implied to feminine gay men, who are the submitters in there relationship. You see, to me submission is an act of great trust. It is one of the most valuable things any person can give to one another. Now! For the sake of this post. I’ll do my best to stay on topic. However. Straight men or other identifying people can submit to their wives and partners too. It’s a bond. Which is why people kill for love. In the case of the enchantress, I have seen her do this over and over. To the point that I don't understand why she gives him so much privilege. Time after time I see how each time he chips away from her. Little by little there's parts of her light that grows dimmer and dimmer. I wonder How thins will turn out in the end.

At the end of the day all we or me, can do is help her see what's happening. After all, to many people, love is blind.

The desire of the heart is what makes her so vulnerable to his actions. She's not unaware of how things are for her. She see's she feels and she knows. there's been times when I tell her to think about it all. Think about how you would feel in the future with this man. When you wed this is what you wed into. You take on him, his burdens, his mother, even his children and the 1st baby mama! Yes! I said it 1st. that's coming up later ronin much detail.

I have to say, when you choose to bind yourself or anyone else you must think of how hard it is to be them. Love spells are not something to be played with because in fact they are not love spells. they are domination spells and binding spells. Actions that strip or lessen the will of another. That is why you must make sure the person loves you on their own accord. And not just" like" you! She herself has said the root has worked stuplendidly. And yes she said she waited for him to love her before she loved him. Or loves him. But! What spell could be so, If he's already being worked on? Regardless of the spell cast on to this man. Or even for future knowledge. You must be clean of the eyes that lay on you. You must have a clean subject to work on. Paint you canvas with your herbs and candles. But! if the cloth or canvas is stained with that of another. What say you do? What do you do. And that is nothing! Or nothing but! Clean. And this is where I believe the Enchantress trouble's lie. She fell for a canvas that's been soiled and cast upon. And like a woman in love. She did not clean and or wait. She did not see the signs or what had been done. Only what her heart desired, She saw what her spells have brought her. A man of her wishes.

The desires of the Enchantress is that:

A man who can love, even through the dullest of pain, sharpest of blades. That he'd be able to continue to push through and try.

A man who's wealth goes beyond that of his first, second and even third born children. A wealth that is not worried for. Where the children can be sing gleefully and be most gay.

A man who puts his wife's needs before his own and expect the same in return.

But! these are only but a few mutters I was able to hear from the parched lips of my sister witch. For her spells are hers. I myself prefer the scrying of my crystal balls and tarot work. With the watchful eyes of the "MIST" people to do my bidding. I think that spells are last resort. Unless other wise absolutely needed. Manipulation I feel is just as good, if not better. Because The mind and heart wants what it wants. And that can undo or break through, poke through any spell or any binding. And that to me is the case with the enchantresses relationship. No magic or spell. Hell.....not even being bound by spirit can change the internal conflict a man has regarding the love lost from a parent or his first love. Or the hearts true desire. To me this is why men need to learn to own there feelings. I have seen many spells undone though actions and not intention because their hearts desire are else where.

There will be things said and things seen that may make this union be more than just questioned! I must go for now Dear Tumblr. Until then................................ To be continued.

Here’s your cuteness of the day.

Meep

(via)

Spilling Secrets

To care! Or! Not! to care!!!!!

At the risk of getting in trouble or even just doing something to be seen. I shall express with you some of my feelings. They may be stupid.. Dark, Valid and even like Why!? yes I can quantify (why ) as a feeling.

I'm on my 2nd deployment in Africa this time with some people I never even met before this experience. It's not a bad one. But! it's not a great one either. In all real honestly I have nothing to complain about. One of the perks about being a social outlier is that you have a lot of alone time and people don’t bother to look for you unless you have a specific job and they need you to perform said job.

Here! in Africa near the horn! Im here to perform my duties as a cook. But! since i'm overseas they have me as a defac (dining facility) manager. So I graciously over see the food that comes in and where it goes and how it gets consumed. When I first arrived here in Africa, I was bright eyed and bushy tailed. Thrilled to be in the mother land. Although coming here I knew it would be all business and no play. and Yes! It has been all business with no fucking PLAY!

I have reached my 3rd month technically. And I'm not too sure how I can go about this experience any longer. People pass comments, or avoid eye contact with me. Talk at me and not to me. And I'm expected to just GO! With it. It's so fucking annoying and petty. That as an adult when you explain this situation to another adult. And you (HEAR) yourself explain what you feel and what you’re going through, you sound insecure, childish and non adult.

Which frustrates me because all I do is feel as if i'm supposed to be the bigger person. Supposed to walk away or shut up, while nothing happens to them! And this, this is a feeling I have been feeling all my life.

These feelings come from a place of not being properly seen or even appreciated! this makes me think about the scene on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, where Xander Harris is flipping over tables in the lunch room because he had seen the lunch lady put rat poison in the food, the students were eating. Then out of no where. Buffy comes in and stops her from butchering Xander. however the only thing the lunch lady can say for herself is "Verman " To me even before becoming a cook or an adult and working in the hospitality industry. I felt how that actress delivered her lines. As if she too had been over looked somewhere in her life. Where she just wanted good company and wanted people to appreciate what services she provides. I'm not saying i'm crazy or that I'll ever do that. I would just quit!!!

As a cook, appreciation to me looks like. Not giving me a hard time when I fuck up! Helping me out when I slow down. Making some small talk with me about something I did for you when I didn’t have to. My biggest one, is, even if you don’t like some thing I did or do, politely address it and don’t cause a scene. Every now and then please understand that there's a lot of things that go into making sure that your one plate of food, you experience. Reaches a standard and a level that suites everyone. Not just you!

One of the biggest things people complain about to me here is that I'm always doing something fancy!.........Fancy? They throw out mediocre ideas as if they are appealing to me or to the whole group. like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or something else. Like hotdogs. Just! hotdogs. We have a mixed group of people. Which I have to say! Yes! Thank you! Yemaya! Ochun! ha ha ha!!!! Because it's one thing to be the only GAY in the group to but! To be the only person who is not white! Good Goddess! That is something like no other!

But! for the most part, people here, the majority are white. So! that can explain why some of the food ideas are very simple. Like the other day someone asked me to not make anymore curry for a whole week. I just stared at them and glared in "Gay disapproval" it's probably not a thing. but! I'ma make it so!

One of the things I have to fight myself with while being here is my worth. As a city guy I would watch these tv shows about how the outlier felt alone and why thy didn’t just shake things up and how they wanted to kill themselves because they are locked in to a sub culture that did not value, appreciate or covet them. The same way the others are! I too have been feeling this way. I mean i'm not going to create a whole 13 reasons why about how grown men ignore me and subconsciously bully me. But! it has crossed my mind. I often find refuge in the space I sleep. I do my watercolor paintings and try my best to keep to myself. I am aware that I don’t think like everyone else. I actually came across something that I resinate with. It's called being Nuro-Divergent. From what I read about it. I vibe with it and it explains my whole life. I bring up not thinking like others because at time when in conversation. I just don’t fit into hetro-normative concepts. I either over or under deliver. if you clicked on the links I have provided, for me they are not the best! examples. I do take issues with some of there perspectives. but the overall point is there.

So there must be one question answered because some of you who are reading this must be asking this. If not! then! I asked this of myself as well... "Why did you become a soldier!?" and the quick simple answer is! Well...... I want them to pay for my medical education.

Even that I'm starting to reconsider. Is this the life I want to live. A life thats very similar to how I'm living now. Do I still want to be a soldier? should I be an airmen? Just so many things crossing my mind. But! back on to this whole 13 reasons why type thing. No! I do not want to un-alive myself. And No! I have not tried. I whole heartedly think its the malaria a pills they gave me. There are many side effects. I can say that this one started around the time of me taking them. So I stopped. But the medic bitched at me so I started taking them again. And to tell the army somethings is a really bad idea. It can get you sent home so I rather deal with them on my own. I really do believe I can’t trust anyone. And no one cares.

Okay, ok, ok, sooooooo the whole secret spilling was not jaw dropping as I intended it to be. However! It felt great to get it out! I'm starting to feel very sleepy and it’s 03:22 here. and I have to be up in 1 hour for work! (gay sigh!) why me! until next time my sunshines.