Dear Tumbler Diary

Dear Tumbler Diary

This to me, will always be a dream. I have been told by the Goddess of "self love" herself. That I would always have issues with love. I honestly do not know how to unravel that per-say. But! if I had to guess. I would say that the ball will always been my court and I have such an awareness that. I should always do what's best for me. & if I don't then the issue is mine, because I know better.

And like 23 year old me would say. "If you know better! Then you should do better"! Now I see that's not completely true. Then I spoke with the mindset of someone who did not have what he has now. I spoke with privilege and arrogance. I spoke like I knew everything. I also think that's why I'm still single. Because I think I know everything. I can also see how that's a major turn off. I myself am turned off by it. I can see how others are too.

When It comes to love I'm very delusional and I know I cannot be trusted. My head and heart are always fighting about what they want and what they need. The modern gay is too free and uneducated on how to court and love one another. We have many examples of how to fuck and have safer sex. But! not too many examples of how to love yourself or how to love the same sex or gender. How to have a successful healthy relationship. That's why I think we as gays and we as non whites have an issues. The stigmas and history surrounding homosexuality and What love is supposed to be. Even what main stream religion says how we’re to love in our organic environments. They won't let it happen. & if it does. Someone, somewhere for the sake or morals and beliefs. Sacrifices something! It does not always have to be grand or even a big sacrifice. But! There's always something given up.

One of the ways homosexuals sacrifice love is, by doing what’s expected of them. Listing to people who probably mean well, but don’t walk in the shoes of us. Happiness is the of the worse sacrifices to make. When stripped of it. Resentment and self loathing kicks in like over watered roots of any house plants. From the inside out it rots. It decay’s. Over time killing the person of all that would have and even could have made them better! Better people and bette for there community.

When I though I had found the love of my life. I was lost in desire. Love spells or attraction spells are dangerous because, they need to be done by people who are of sound mind. To me, if you do not have a strong foundation of self awareness, aware of your own imperfections and well as your blessings. Then you sorta cursed yourself to be with someone who you! Become dependent on.

One night in my early years of adult hood. I took it upon myself. With my half baked mindset. To cast into the universe to bring to me the qualities in a man that I hold dear and desired. This man was a man who had the eye of everyone. But! who came home to me! He was wealthy in love and energy. And yada yada yada. So I wrote these qualities down on a paper bag. Written in devil blood ink. On the night of a new moon of blessings. I took my deck of tarot. "This is where I fucked up" and placed the Lovers first followed by the Six of cups. Here! is where I FUCKED ME! and hard too. Followed by other suits. It was a while ago. So forgive for not giving too much detail. I had a red votive candle blessed and charged the night before. I placed it directly on my deck and anointed the space with Freshly cracked black pepper and willow leaves from Central Park. I love working with willow. And yes of course the tincture was blessed and anointed by HECATE. So not only did I call out to the Universe. I called HECATE too. Which was not really a good Idea. because I did not offer her the things I was supposed to. And back then I was depressed and was looking for a way of escape. In that time of my life. Sexual pleasure was my way out. "Who says being a slut isn't fun!"

Now! fast forward many years later A child of Yemaya and of the other Orisha, I know more now. Even better! I should have not only respected myself. But! my craft. Looking back now I can say I disrespected HECATE. writing this I see I have a debt to pay! She too has always been good to me. Blessed me with all wishes i asked for. Now, i take into account of how I cast spells and what for. Not all things can be completed with magic. But! It sure helps. Lol to be honest a natural love. And health and bountiful love will come to me. I just have to be sure to be ready for it. And welcome it with light and love in my heart, money on the bank and foundation so strong. That even when the earth quakes, moves and cries we are undisturbed and unaware of the fires that are outside our door!

serve your plate first before serving others.

He asked me when I fell in love with him and I knew it sounded dramatic to say the moment I saw him, so I told him this story of my grandma who had Alzheimer's- she forgot her name and the words for fruit and food, she forgot her address and how to use the washroom, all her life lost to the disease. The only thing she remembered was her son's name and when that began to fade, the one thing she always remembered was that she loved him, even in illness, even in insanity. She saw this 6 foot 2 man with a scrubby beard and she didn't know him but she said she trusted him, she asked him to hold her hand when she died. When does memory end and love begin? All I know is- she loved him before she remembered him.

-Ritika Jyala, excerpt from The world is a sphere of ice and our hands are made of fire

Pike recently has become obsessed with the nebula light in our livingroom.

Spilling Secrets

To care! Or! Not! to care!!!!!

At the risk of getting in trouble or even just doing something to be seen. I shall express with you some of my feelings. They may be stupid.. Dark, Valid and even like Why!? yes I can quantify (why ) as a feeling.

I'm on my 2nd deployment in Africa this time with some people I never even met before this experience. It's not a bad one. But! it's not a great one either. In all real honestly I have nothing to complain about. One of the perks about being a social outlier is that you have a lot of alone time and people don’t bother to look for you unless you have a specific job and they need you to perform said job.

Here! in Africa near the horn! Im here to perform my duties as a cook. But! since i'm overseas they have me as a defac (dining facility) manager. So I graciously over see the food that comes in and where it goes and how it gets consumed. When I first arrived here in Africa, I was bright eyed and bushy tailed. Thrilled to be in the mother land. Although coming here I knew it would be all business and no play. and Yes! It has been all business with no fucking PLAY!

I have reached my 3rd month technically. And I'm not too sure how I can go about this experience any longer. People pass comments, or avoid eye contact with me. Talk at me and not to me. And I'm expected to just GO! With it. It's so fucking annoying and petty. That as an adult when you explain this situation to another adult. And you (HEAR) yourself explain what you feel and what you’re going through, you sound insecure, childish and non adult.

Which frustrates me because all I do is feel as if i'm supposed to be the bigger person. Supposed to walk away or shut up, while nothing happens to them! And this, this is a feeling I have been feeling all my life.

These feelings come from a place of not being properly seen or even appreciated! this makes me think about the scene on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, where Xander Harris is flipping over tables in the lunch room because he had seen the lunch lady put rat poison in the food, the students were eating. Then out of no where. Buffy comes in and stops her from butchering Xander. however the only thing the lunch lady can say for herself is "Verman " To me even before becoming a cook or an adult and working in the hospitality industry. I felt how that actress delivered her lines. As if she too had been over looked somewhere in her life. Where she just wanted good company and wanted people to appreciate what services she provides. I'm not saying i'm crazy or that I'll ever do that. I would just quit!!!

As a cook, appreciation to me looks like. Not giving me a hard time when I fuck up! Helping me out when I slow down. Making some small talk with me about something I did for you when I didn’t have to. My biggest one, is, even if you don’t like some thing I did or do, politely address it and don’t cause a scene. Every now and then please understand that there's a lot of things that go into making sure that your one plate of food, you experience. Reaches a standard and a level that suites everyone. Not just you!

One of the biggest things people complain about to me here is that I'm always doing something fancy!.........Fancy? They throw out mediocre ideas as if they are appealing to me or to the whole group. like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or something else. Like hotdogs. Just! hotdogs. We have a mixed group of people. Which I have to say! Yes! Thank you! Yemaya! Ochun! ha ha ha!!!! Because it's one thing to be the only GAY in the group to but! To be the only person who is not white! Good Goddess! That is something like no other!

But! for the most part, people here, the majority are white. So! that can explain why some of the food ideas are very simple. Like the other day someone asked me to not make anymore curry for a whole week. I just stared at them and glared in "Gay disapproval" it's probably not a thing. but! I'ma make it so!

One of the things I have to fight myself with while being here is my worth. As a city guy I would watch these tv shows about how the outlier felt alone and why thy didn’t just shake things up and how they wanted to kill themselves because they are locked in to a sub culture that did not value, appreciate or covet them. The same way the others are! I too have been feeling this way. I mean i'm not going to create a whole 13 reasons why about how grown men ignore me and subconsciously bully me. But! it has crossed my mind. I often find refuge in the space I sleep. I do my watercolor paintings and try my best to keep to myself. I am aware that I don’t think like everyone else. I actually came across something that I resinate with. It's called being Nuro-Divergent. From what I read about it. I vibe with it and it explains my whole life. I bring up not thinking like others because at time when in conversation. I just don’t fit into hetro-normative concepts. I either over or under deliver. if you clicked on the links I have provided, for me they are not the best! examples. I do take issues with some of there perspectives. but the overall point is there.

So there must be one question answered because some of you who are reading this must be asking this. If not! then! I asked this of myself as well... "Why did you become a soldier!?" and the quick simple answer is! Well...... I want them to pay for my medical education.

Even that I'm starting to reconsider. Is this the life I want to live. A life thats very similar to how I'm living now. Do I still want to be a soldier? should I be an airmen? Just so many things crossing my mind. But! back on to this whole 13 reasons why type thing. No! I do not want to un-alive myself. And No! I have not tried. I whole heartedly think its the malaria a pills they gave me. There are many side effects. I can say that this one started around the time of me taking them. So I stopped. But the medic bitched at me so I started taking them again. And to tell the army somethings is a really bad idea. It can get you sent home so I rather deal with them on my own. I really do believe I can’t trust anyone. And no one cares.

Okay, ok, ok, sooooooo the whole secret spilling was not jaw dropping as I intended it to be. However! It felt great to get it out! I'm starting to feel very sleepy and it’s 03:22 here. and I have to be up in 1 hour for work! (gay sigh!) why me! until next time my sunshines.

Pike recently has become obsessed with the nebula light in our livingroom.

Milky Way and Mount Shasta, United States

On Shadow Work and the Spiritual Emanations and Thoughtforms of Emotions and the Subconscious self

Content:

Aspects of the psyche

Shadow work

Thoughtforms

Subconsciously created thoughtforms

Introduction

The human mind is a complex organism made of hundreds of intricate components. These components can be thought of as cores of memory and archetypes. We are going to be discussing these archetypes as if they were unique and independent beings or features within one’s psyche; but, it should be noted that this is not intended to be interpreted as literal. This being said, humans as a species tend to place information into a hierarchy, memories included. The subconscious mechanisms that fetch structured information from and write information into memories are these archetypes. If you have not read the work of Carl Jung (https://www.goodreads.com/shelf/show/carl-jung) , I advise doing so either before or shortly after reading this article. When it comes to witchcraft, there are only 3 of the Jungian archetypes that are predominant: The Shadow, Persona, and Anima/Animus.

This post is in no way an implication that shadow work is necessary to practice witchcraft.

The shadow

This archetype is the subconscious function for dealing with trauma and/or over/under stimulating experiences. The shadow is your mind’s best attempt at managing critical experiential information that the conscious mind would rather not process directly because of its complexity or emotional effects.

The Persona

This archetype is the aspect of the self that is a projection of what we think others would want to perceive us as. The persona is the mind’s best tool for social adaptation. It regularly stores and recalls the behaviors, body and facial languages of those around you and then projects them on to yourself in moments when you desire a sense of community.

The Anima & Animgus

The current structure and interpretation of this archetype is a little outdated in my opinion. However, it does have some validity for psychological applications. This archetype, at least where the current depiction is useful, is the mind’s process of gathering and projecting information about gender, sex, identity, and reproduction. It manages this subconscious information to find a mate, sexual partner, life partner, and self identity.

Shadow Work

It is important to note that Carl Jung is not the inventor of shadow work, and nor did he contribute anything significant; however, he did give us some english terminology to use when discussing it. Shadow work as a concept originated in several indigineous cultures in the Americas, as well as several Indian and African traditions. It is important that we do not allow mysticism and psychology to be white washed, so I recommend trying to do further research into the cultures that Jung borrowed ideas from (South America, North/Central Africa, India).

When it comes to shadow work, we don’t solely deal with the Shadow archetype, we deal with the persona and the anime*1 as well. Shadow work isn’t a solely magical practice, and includes going to therapy, self care, and psychiatry. Magical shadow work is based around the idea that our psyche can be and is affected by magic. There are a plethora of approaches to magical shadow work, while there are definitely some things you should avoid.

When performing shadow work magically, do not treat the shadow as if it were a separate entity from you. It may appear to be evil to you at times, it may house some of your worst traits, but all attempts to remove it will:

a)not work.

b)be temporary fixes at most.

c)likely result in the creation of a thoughtform.

This also applies to aspects of the Persona. Trying to magically will away behavioral traits will most likely result in the creation of a thoughtform. There are workarounds, but most of them revolve around actually going to therapy and speaking to a licenced professional. There are also bindings, which do not remove behavioral traits, but rather prevent them from happening while accepting that they do exist as part of you. If you are unfamiliar with bindings and how they operate I recommend checking out this article. (https://witchipedia.com/glossary/binding/)

When working within the psyche magically, it is important that your aim is resolute. The scope of the work is only limited by your understanding of your own psyche and your self awareness. This is why so many guides and articles about shadow work are mostly depictions of mediations.

To begin performing magical shadow work, one must first gain awareness of themself. This is best done through meditations and thought experiments. Start off by entering a calm state and rotate your focus inwards, without focusing on anything at all. Then, once a comfortable level of presence in the self is reached, begin cycling through memories starting with the oldest one you can manage. Pay attention to how you processed the information and experiences you were presented with. How did you compartmentalize those experiences and how did it impact your future behavior? Doing this repeatedly will slowly build an image of your shadow and persona to work with when you are ready to do an actual casting. When it comes to casting shadow work spells, there are a few options: bindings, reinforcements, glamours, cleansing, and warding.

Thoughtforms

Thoughtforms are entities that are created through artifice, though they can be created accidentally or unintentionally. Thoughtforms are sometimes confused with the Buddhist term, “Tulpa” which, by definition and application is barely even comparable. Thoughtforms are entities that are programmed to perform a specific function or a small set of functions. It is possible for one to create a sentient thoughtform, however the amount of experience, time, focus, and effort required is vastly greater. Building a simple thoughtform requires only an anchor of some kind as well as a dedicated space and time. If the thoughtform is to have a body or form, it is highly recommended to possess at least a basic understanding of energy work- specifically about creating energetic constructs.

To begin creating a thoughtform, it is best to start by sitting down and planning on paper its function(s), appearance, limitations, restrictions, a name, and an anchor sigil. Once you’ve thoroughly planned out the thoughtform, energetically create it’s form. This can be done through visualization, however using actual astral senses for the energetic process would be more effective. Once you have created its form, it must be maintained while you imprint its programming into it. A method I like to use for this step is to stream energy into my head through the right temple, while meditating on the thoughtform’s functions, then pulling it out of the left temple before installing it into the form. This may take up to a couple hours to complete and may require starting over if focus is broken. It is important that you have the anchor sigil dedicated to memory, so that the image of it can be implanted as well. It is recommended that the sigil only be physically created a singular time, that way it is easier to destroy the thought form later on. It may also be beneficial to anchor the energetic form of the entity into a physical object made of glass or metal.

If you ever decide to destroy your thoughtform, you must destroy the anchor sigil and then work towards forgetting its name as well as its entire existence. Thoughtforms are primarily fed by the creator’s attention and interaction to it, but this isnt always the case. If the thoughtform is anchored into a piezoelectric crystal, then that anchor can be placed under pressure to keep the thoughtform alive. If the thoughtform you wish to destroy is anchored energetically to an object, then the object must be put through a banishing before cleansing it completely.

Thoughtforms are useful for applications in warding, divination, and spiritwork. They can also be used to deliver information, spells and protections to others. All that is required is a specific functionality.

Subconsciously created thoughtforms (AKA Tulpa* in closed Buddhist and Taoist traditions.)

In instances of trauma or emotional hypertension, it is possible for the mind to create a thoughtform as a way to expel an emotion, experience, or memory from the mind. These thoughtforms typically are bound to whatever object the creator is latching onto for comfort. What differentiates these entities from intentionally created ones is that they don't have an initial form, rather they develop one as time passes. A lot of the time, these entities can manifest as emotional echoes (what most ghost encounters actually are) and will live on well past it’s progenitor.

When performing shadow work, it is important not to try to eject or remove aspects of the self, as doing so may generate a thoughtform; it also wouldn’t achieve an actual removal of that aspect. Thoughtforms created subconsciously or as a result of internal rejection of aspects of the self typically take on the traits and behaviors associated with the experience tied to that aspect. They also tend to have limitations that are also tied to these experiences. As an example, if a child were to be terrified of the dark, and consistently left alone in the dark, that child could create a thoughtform whose purpose is to instill fear. However its limitation would be tied to the child’s subconscious desire to be safe and would very likely not be able to do any harm to the child; and may even try to protect them in moments of strife. If this child were to have a stuffed animal, then this thoughtform would bind itself to this object, as it would be the closest thing to the child that regularly receives attention.

When dealing with banishing a subconsciously created thoughtform, the same steps must be taken; however, this can be extremely difficult, especially if the creator has been dead for a while, due to the anchor being unknown. If the anchor is unknown then a standard area banishing is recommended, followed by cleansing. Afterwards, if the entity is still present do not pay it any attention. Actively ignore it and never speak of it again. If after a few weeks it is still present, a spacial exorcism is definitely recommended.

If you have any further questions, click here.