This Is The Cutes Thing Ever!

This is the cutes thing ever!

Was it really worth it?

Dear Tumblr Diary

Was it really worth it? I have to say that yes! I know everyone and their mothers are talking about the slap that was seen around the world. Being that I’m more of a will smith fan. Than I am of Jada pinker and or Chris Rock. I have to say this to me, was seen a long time ago. Not Will Smith going up on stage SLAPPING the living shit out of Chris Rock. But! Will Smith standing up for himself as a person. I say person rather than man. Because in my eye’s your gender, sex (Identity) in that aspect has nothing to do with standing your ground and demanding your respect. Over the years I have seen how many people, celebrities or those who frequent them. Try and emasculate him, provoke him or taunt in one way or another. I’m not a person who’s big on pop culture or whats in the happening now. As an outlier, when things are big. Big enough to catch my attention. I give it!

Over the years, This red table from his wife, daughter and mother in law has come up. And other aspects of there lives have come into the public eye. Which in a patriarchal society, has made will smith seem like too much of a passive guy. "Seem" being the operative word here! I’ve always liked will smith because of his down to earth humor and relatability. I too, am his completion. And goofy like him too. I guess like most fans I have attached aspects of my identity to him and his success. I think thats why most people go really hard for there Idol. Or a celebrity that makes them feel.

I too know the ways of suffering in silence. I know how it feels to bite your tongue. And keep a pretty smilie face on for optics. It has to be hard for him in ways that we could and or only imagine. I do not have children and nor am I married to a woman who’s free to spill the beans about our personal matters. Now! Small disclaimer! (I don’t know shit about there personal lives) He for all intensive purposes can be just as guilty as her with having entanglements. BUt! The reason for this post is to share why I agree wit this, "SLAPPING" of the rock. The Chris rock, you see from other sources and even from both of their statements on social media they have Identified each other as friends. But! Would a friend constantly poke fun of you. Especially with a room full of people he could have chosen to poke fun at.

Almost every time I have seen Will smith in the media before this incident, It was deeply heart felt. When listing to him, either podcasters talk about him or when on YouTube videos of his being shown. It seemed to me there was always more behind that mans eyes. I believe, he felt that he could not choose wisely. I may be wrong. Fuck I am wrong because with everyone getting a divorce. He could HAVE left her! Or her leave him!? But they choose to stay together.

Was the joke a really bad joke no! But! When sources on TV and other social media outlets confirm that Jada has a medical condition. It makes it all the worse. Will smith on hot97 and other platforms is always in someone’s mouth. And who knows what was said between the couple about her condition. NOt!!!!! to mention as a gay man! My hair is everything to me. I like how it’s an extension of myself expression and Identity. So I can totally see this being that for any women. Especially a celebrity. I share in her pain in knowing that something thats out of her control is happening to her body. How she has to change her thoughts. Not to mention, her self perception is going to be a real eye opener for her.

She has brought up time before that she & Tupac have been in love. She to me has not gotten over that. Has not moved on or even properly grieved his death. I again can relate to wanting to love someone and it being snatched from you. Taken with out notice. Only to deal with the remains. It’s nothing you can do but! Deal!

Maybe these scenarios, are what we’re running in the thoughts of Will Smith. How he’s always shrugging things off. Letting things go. Being passive about the amount of disrespect that thrown him. There’s always the straw that breaks the camel’s back. And talking about backs. The way the internet has show support! I have to say is funny, But! Fucked up. I myself had to take a MOMENT and realize I too play in to his man’s mental help.

This persons feelings are being disregarded! When people are constantly checking him about how he should behave and not how it’s ok to be. To just be. He’s a mentor, father, probably someone’s brother or cousin. He’s a husband. All titles, many people on this planet can relate to. Was rock wrong? I’m still indifferent about it because the statement says He did not know. And being that they are celebrities. He has his brand to run. And they have their own to run as well. As the women around always say “ MInd the business that pays you” and well, In Chris rocks case, It didn’t pay that well on stage. But!!!!! I have to say that he did handle that very well. Even when Will smith kept it going from his seat! He kept his composure.

I’m from the hood. So! For me one smack ain’t gonna kill no body. It night get you knocked out. But, It ain’t gonna kill no one. I

Pike recently has become obsessed with the nebula light in our livingroom.

Dear Tumbler Diary

This to me, will always be a dream. I have been told by the Goddess of "self love" herself. That I would always have issues with love. I honestly do not know how to unravel that per-say. But! if I had to guess. I would say that the ball will always been my court and I have such an awareness that. I should always do what's best for me. & if I don't then the issue is mine, because I know better.

And like 23 year old me would say. "If you know better! Then you should do better"! Now I see that's not completely true. Then I spoke with the mindset of someone who did not have what he has now. I spoke with privilege and arrogance. I spoke like I knew everything. I also think that's why I'm still single. Because I think I know everything. I can also see how that's a major turn off. I myself am turned off by it. I can see how others are too.

When It comes to love I'm very delusional and I know I cannot be trusted. My head and heart are always fighting about what they want and what they need. The modern gay is too free and uneducated on how to court and love one another. We have many examples of how to fuck and have safer sex. But! not too many examples of how to love yourself or how to love the same sex or gender. How to have a successful healthy relationship. That's why I think we as gays and we as non whites have an issues. The stigmas and history surrounding homosexuality and What love is supposed to be. Even what main stream religion says how we’re to love in our organic environments. They won't let it happen. & if it does. Someone, somewhere for the sake or morals and beliefs. Sacrifices something! It does not always have to be grand or even a big sacrifice. But! There's always something given up.

One of the ways homosexuals sacrifice love is, by doing what’s expected of them. Listing to people who probably mean well, but don’t walk in the shoes of us. Happiness is the of the worse sacrifices to make. When stripped of it. Resentment and self loathing kicks in like over watered roots of any house plants. From the inside out it rots. It decay’s. Over time killing the person of all that would have and even could have made them better! Better people and bette for there community.

When I though I had found the love of my life. I was lost in desire. Love spells or attraction spells are dangerous because, they need to be done by people who are of sound mind. To me, if you do not have a strong foundation of self awareness, aware of your own imperfections and well as your blessings. Then you sorta cursed yourself to be with someone who you! Become dependent on.

One night in my early years of adult hood. I took it upon myself. With my half baked mindset. To cast into the universe to bring to me the qualities in a man that I hold dear and desired. This man was a man who had the eye of everyone. But! who came home to me! He was wealthy in love and energy. And yada yada yada. So I wrote these qualities down on a paper bag. Written in devil blood ink. On the night of a new moon of blessings. I took my deck of tarot. "This is where I fucked up" and placed the Lovers first followed by the Six of cups. Here! is where I FUCKED ME! and hard too. Followed by other suits. It was a while ago. So forgive for not giving too much detail. I had a red votive candle blessed and charged the night before. I placed it directly on my deck and anointed the space with Freshly cracked black pepper and willow leaves from Central Park. I love working with willow. And yes of course the tincture was blessed and anointed by HECATE. So not only did I call out to the Universe. I called HECATE too. Which was not really a good Idea. because I did not offer her the things I was supposed to. And back then I was depressed and was looking for a way of escape. In that time of my life. Sexual pleasure was my way out. "Who says being a slut isn't fun!"

Now! fast forward many years later A child of Yemaya and of the other Orisha, I know more now. Even better! I should have not only respected myself. But! my craft. Looking back now I can say I disrespected HECATE. writing this I see I have a debt to pay! She too has always been good to me. Blessed me with all wishes i asked for. Now, i take into account of how I cast spells and what for. Not all things can be completed with magic. But! It sure helps. Lol to be honest a natural love. And health and bountiful love will come to me. I just have to be sure to be ready for it. And welcome it with light and love in my heart, money on the bank and foundation so strong. That even when the earth quakes, moves and cries we are undisturbed and unaware of the fires that are outside our door!

serve your plate first before serving others.

He asked me when I fell in love with him and I knew it sounded dramatic to say the moment I saw him, so I told him this story of my grandma who had Alzheimer's- she forgot her name and the words for fruit and food, she forgot her address and how to use the washroom, all her life lost to the disease. The only thing she remembered was her son's name and when that began to fade, the one thing she always remembered was that she loved him, even in illness, even in insanity. She saw this 6 foot 2 man with a scrubby beard and she didn't know him but she said she trusted him, she asked him to hold her hand when she died. When does memory end and love begin? All I know is- she loved him before she remembered him.

-Ritika Jyala, excerpt from The world is a sphere of ice and our hands are made of fire

Silly, Billy, Boy

Dear Tumblr Diary #6

After coming home from my first deployment, I was fortunate enough to go back to work on a military duties (Covid missions). For two yearsI was financially okay. I was able to make full payments on any and all my bills. I speak on this because it’s a little rough out here right now. I’m doing things I don’t care to to do. Only because it pays the bills. And the process of finding work is daunting, even draining!I would like to develop other skills out here. However, they take too much of your soul. Just to get in to the course.

Speaking of souls, I found out yesterday on Saint Patrick's that one was called home. Although I enjoy helping people and caring for them. I do not wish to be a HHA anymore. It's convenient but not suitable for me anymore. This would make the second or third death that I had to deal with or at least know about. Back in 2019 I cared for a man who was really sweet. In this line of work. Being a caretaker, you get to know people very personally. He was a man in his late 80's pushing his 90's. He was a souther black man. Although to me he look Indigenous. He had a hydrated caramel complexion. Bald head and a twang in his speak. He was also a man of streets. Well sorta. He was a hustler. In the time that I had known him, he would lend out money to people and shake them down. It was kind of cute to see him do this. Because he was no joke.

Even though he was strong in personality he was kind in other aspects. As I am an obvious homosexual, he was nice to me and like the way I mad my eggs. lol I knew that my culinary background would come in handy when I became a HHA, because I learned that the elderly can't cook or not able to cook for themselves as often as they use too. In training I was informed that there are times the elderly would eat cat food because of the affordability. And because they were on a fixed income. It's kind f scary to think that if you do not set yourself up for success or have children or even maintain relationships. No one will be there for you in the end.

My patient at the time lived in a facility where the elderly live. Albiet this one was much nicer and! It was his apartment. He was still lonely and a by himself. I think that's why he would behave the way he did. hustle, lone money out to people and shake the down when they didn't give it back. I tell you there's some thing cute when they still think they have it!

Besides him being a shaker downer and a sweet guy. He also came with a past like most people do. One time he became upset with me because he knew that I was becoming distant with him. He Eventually asked me why! I had to be honest with him and let him know that I was leaving and not for the reason that he thought. I told him that I was deploying in a couple of months and that I had a lot of training to do. And the the company also took me off the case because they need me to do something that should have been done months prior and penalized me for not doing it. In this time he received another aid and she was not like me at all. Too focused on her phone and not too focused on him. She did not speak, when she came in. Did not clean or cook. He begged me to come back and I could not. Thats when my heart broke.

When I take on a case, I remind myself, this has nothing to do with me and everything about the person I’m caring for. I remind myself, how I would like to be treated. How I would you like for someone to treat grandma. I try to display love them, as you would love my own. With these thoughts and feelings I strive to be the best. Despite how people perceive home health aids.

One of my most rememberable moments with my patient was when he addressed my homosexuality. He stated that he knew. And that he was comfortable, comfortable enough to share on his own experiences. How when he was in jail he would have relations with other men and how in that environment it was normal. He also, in a way stated that he loved me. Which I had to raise an eye brow at. I did not know how to take it. He stated that he was attracted to me and that he could now understand how two men could be involve and have a lasting love. I mean in this situation and in his experience with men and women. I being the care taker. To him I must have been perceived as a women. In his era, the roles I’m in, his social reality would have been a woman's role or job.

With this perspective. My perceived red flags, lowered from a red. Down to an amber orange. Steadying at a canary yellow in to a lime green. I didn't have to worry about, me being turnt around, cooking. All to then being sexually assaulted by him, being groped making breakfast eggs. That I have to say he was always pleasant to be around. It just saddens me that he passed away from covid in may of 2020. I should have reached out and called him.

But! Because I’m no longer with that company there was a clause for us not to reach out to patients when you depart. I didn't want to get sued so I stayed to my self. Only recently did I dare venture out and ask if he was okay and found this information. In a way I have to say that I think I failed him. I think I left him in the hands of people who could have done better for him. These agents only care about there money. I can sit here and say a Cliché line. Such as he’s in a better place. As far as I know his spirit is still in that tiny studio apartment and in happy. What I have learned from this situation is never things you have more time than you do. Because the clock is always clicking. Always moving.If not for you! It’s always clicking for someone else.

When you get the chance, say hello. Tell people you miss them and that they’re on your mind. Tell them, that you even hate them. Just to get the conversation started. But! Try your best to never let a day go by where people who invoke a feeling don’t know how they make you feel.

What is it, you fight for?

I keep asking myself the question. What is it that I fight for! This question, sprouted in thought because I feel that this planet is sooo fucking ghetto. I’m not saying that I have been on other’s. Or even know wha it’s like. But! What I am saying is that It has to be better some way some how!!! Why is it that we have to pay to live on this planet and for what! Also not to mention we're also kept in line by some fictional being that regulates how well you deal with bull shit it decides to put you through. To me! None of this makes sense. What so fucking ever.

Today I was on the metro north train. Headed from Yonkers to Grand Central. Me not paying any mind to whats going on around me. Because I’m busy being face down on my phone scrolling through “Tic Toks” to make me laugh or to feel righteous abut some social injustice done right. That I did not notice that I made it to yankee stadium. Where all of my alarms bells and whistles have gone off. Because a bunch of loud and drunken white folks have gotten on from the game.

You see I’m not always around white folk. And when and or if I am, It is because I have to be. This was crazy all of them were very loud. And very drunk and very disturbing. The group started chanting, fuck Biden. And other game like chants. I had no problem wit what they were saying I just had an issue with the volume. I became super perturbed and even greatly annoyed. My ears flickered and my face, it rested like it never rested before. This resting bitch face, felt so legendary that it could have starred in its own Movie. A movie that literally is made up of grunts and looks. I felt like a cat among dogs. I see why they sit there and make faces now. When all you are doing is sitting there trying to relax before your 12 hour shift in the hot loading dock.... and boom!!!! This wave of drunken entitled people come and just took over.

I’m writing about this because, These spaces they take up when they enter, is crazy. It’s almost as if the energy gets warped. Like a real ilife glammer spell is casted before your eyes. I had to ask myself. If any person of color were to come in to such a public space and create such a nuisance. Would it have been accepted or even tolerated. As they chanted in camaraderie of fuck the president or even when being vaguer with other statements. Would it have not been challenged? I started to feel unsafe. As a sea of people who are Notoriously known for violence when intoxicated. Started to take over the car I was in. It’s really the first time in my life that I felt like an other. Not for my sexuality like I usually do. But! Because of my skin!

Now! They did not do anything to me. They did not intimidate me. And! They did not have anything to do with me. My point is that in black and brown spaces. We’re inclusive of everyone in the space, "usually". We acknowledge and for the most part tolerate others as much as we can. We see each other. And we in a way create a psychic safe space. You can agree to disagree. But! As a spiritualist and psychic. What I learned is that white people don’t always do that! But! Expect you to provide it. They walk around with is hard energy and take, take, take. I truly believe the mentality they posses is a cancer to this planet. This statement even ones for those who think like them. It’s tiring and annoying at this point in life. And I’m only in my mid 20’s This planet really needs a reshaping. A restart.

I just wanted to go to work. I’m tired. And this is how I fight this fight called the human experience. But! I don't wanna do this anymore. I’d rather live in the woods with the tree spirits and animals where I know at least there intentions are true. Where if there’s a real fight it’s because of survival. True grit! Not a created problem and blame the person who’s living in it,the issue.