I Have Healed A Great Deal Since My First Post Here. It Is A Relief That I Have Been Able To Make Such

I have healed a great deal since my first post here. It is a relief that I have been able to make such progress, when, at the beginning, I was certain I was going to remain in my high-alert, traumatized state forever.

However that does make some flashbacks and other trauma symptoms a bit more jarring when they do appear.  Some days you feel almost... normal?  But something will take you back and remind you that you aren’t, and that you’ll never be completely “normal” again.

I was more accustomed to that notion when I was in the thick of the worst bits, and having such a disaster-brain all the time made me not have a “normal” to miss. But now, I have good days to mourn.

I feel spoiled for even posting this, especially when I read from people who are still in early healing days. But I guess that's further evidence of how we're not quite there yet.

I watched something that pulled on my heart strings too hard earlier today and I can feel myself sinking into a hole. So I'm attempting to cheer myself up by telling my lady as many dad jokes as I can get my hands on. Her groans from the other room are breathing life back into me.

Got any good ones?

Driving in a snowstorm last night I came to a realization.

My sense of self preservation is returning.

Golden

An abused person masters the art of silence.  You sob quietly, scream quietly, pick yourself up from the ground and assess your injuries quietly.  You discover a way to perform all your tasks making as little noise as possible.

You forget the sound of your voice, and all the little sounds of life become a deafening crime you hope go unnoticed.

Kindness to myself is how I will erase him.

when i was a teenager it felt very revolutionary to be cruel to myself. like some kind of slow passive protest against how much everything hurt. i starved myself of sleep and food and tenderness because it felt right. it felt sharp and angry and radical and i wanted to be those things. adulthood is the realisation that the world is already working to cut into you well before you learn how to do it yourself. caring for yourself and others is the real protest

Class

Abuse survivors become experts in damage control. I can handle a lot of tough, semi-humiliating situations with a cool head and a lot more grace and humour than I knew I was capable of. At least on the outside.

I guess people call that class. I called it survival.