His Idea Of Being Right Was To Be The Meanest In An Argument.

His idea of being right was to be the meanest in an argument.

You don't have to tackle opposing irrefuteable facts if you keep your opponent choking back sobs.

One day, i had the audacity to not share his opinion.

After the usual screamfest he insisted that one day we would take an IQ test to prove once and for all that I was an idiot and he was smarter. He told me that I should shut the fuck up or I would feel extra stupid that day.

In one of my rare moments of defiance, i asked very politely, what would happen if, by some accident, I scored higher than him. I saw a split second of "oh shit" in his eyes before he said "then we would know that the test was faulty because that's not possible."

You know, I don't think he ever brought it up again.

There are lots of accounts online and elsewhere of people experiencing guilt due to a perceived lack of productivity right now.

I have that feeling every day regardless of what I've accomplished. He made sure I never felt comfortable resting; there was always something to do, some task that needed completion immediately after the last one, and some ball I was dropping by sitting on the couch and day dreaming for a few minutes.

This guilt is crippling and so hard to shake. It's a fight to remind yourself that rest, particularly in streessful times or when healing, is not a luxury.

It's a necessity.

His last text to me was nearly two years ago. Every unrecognized number that calls still makes me sweat, but I have found peace living out from underneath his thumb.

Look at you, living everyday without the person you thought you needed.

I wrote this in the early days and now there's no reminding required.

For a few years I had resigned myself to being by myself forever.

To combat my loneliness and fight the urge to contact him I learned to enjoy my own company and have courage to do the things I wanted to do. I went to movies and museums, bars and restaurants and all sorts of live music venues alone.

It took some getting used to, but I became content. It was nice. I enjoyed an unprecedented level of freedom and it was peaceful in ways I didn't know my life could be.

I wish I could instill this notion into the minds of survivors in early days and, Hell, people I love who have had some unsatisfactory dating/relationship experiences.

You are actually pretty awesome. Appreciate yourself, especially when no one else is.

There are worse things

When I am alone, I think it is the worst. I have to remind myself constantly that no, indeed, it isn’t.

As I am looking for a new job, I am subconsciously evaluating the level of public visibility I would have in that role. He had naked pictures and videos of me performing sex acts. And lots of videos with horrible, damaging, abusive and humiliating things he made or manipulated me to say.

I'm sure after all this time he's kept them. He's paranoid, you see, and he'd want to keep these as leverage in case I ever decided to go to the police.

He's also just a jealous, vindictive and angry man. He would be hellbent on destroying me if he perceived that I was more successful/important than him.