I Wrote This In The Early Days And Now There's No Reminding Required.

I wrote this in the early days and now there's no reminding required.

For a few years I had resigned myself to being by myself forever.

To combat my loneliness and fight the urge to contact him I learned to enjoy my own company and have courage to do the things I wanted to do. I went to movies and museums, bars and restaurants and all sorts of live music venues alone.

It took some getting used to, but I became content. It was nice. I enjoyed an unprecedented level of freedom and it was peaceful in ways I didn't know my life could be.

I wish I could instill this notion into the minds of survivors in early days and, Hell, people I love who have had some unsatisfactory dating/relationship experiences.

You are actually pretty awesome. Appreciate yourself, especially when no one else is.

There are worse things

When I am alone, I think it is the worst. I have to remind myself constantly that no, indeed, it isn’t.

He will admit to some moments of physical abuse but narrow it down to one or a small handul of times where I made him so angry that he lost his temper.

He will justify what he did with a 'but'.

He will deny the severity.

He will deny the frequency.

He will deny all the emotional, psychological, financial and sexual aspects.

He believes that I got what I deserved.

He believes that he tried his best.

He believes that he tried to help me but I was too fucked up to save.

He would tell you that I was abusive and hurt his pride.

He will say I ruined his life.

Does the person who abuses you know they are abusive?

Reblogging this will work. Liking this will work. Messaging me will not work. Email me at chronic.survivors@gmail.com

How It Feels

Part II: Emotionally Abusive Relationships

Picture the shittiest customer service job you’ve ever had. Customers are constant and you’re so overwhelmed you can’t think about yourself at all. Your personal life, your bodily needs (you don’t even get a lunch break; when was the last time you had water?) or your emotions. 

You’re expected to perform perfectly and to always keep a smile on your face, no matter what. You need to be polite and accommodating even if people are screaming at you, and even if people threaten you for no reason. 

Your boss thinks you’re an idiot and is constantly condescending and patronizing. He explains your own job to you and implies you’re incompetent, but to avoid offending him, you can’t defend yourself, you can only thank him for his ‘advice.’ He can snap at any minute and fire you, and you need the job desperately, because he has all kinds of contacts and influences in the community and will make sure no one ever hires you again. He makes it very clear that he owns you, but would never say so outright. 

You are not allowed to talk to anyone about how bad this job is, under contract. He considers it unprofessional and a threat to the success of his company, and has threatened to sue if any employees quit and talk about the reasons they quit. He has the power to make your life even worse than it is now. 

But outside the workplace, your boss is known as a philanthropist. He is generous and charismatic, and everyone constantly reminds you how lucky you are for getting the job. 

Now picture that feeling not just at work, but everywhere. This environment is your home. This person sleeps in your bed. They go everywhere with you, or demand you check in all the time. They know all your passwords. They look through your search history. They have access to everything you know and have and are. 

You still have to be polite, accommodating, apologetic, understanding, thankful. You still have to keep smiling.

Nothing reinforces your sense of self loathing quite like revamping your resume and cover letter.

In case, despite the content of my blog, there was any doubt, I would like to state that I am against every kind of abuse whether it is individual or institutional.

I support Black Lives Matter. The abuse, disenfranchisement, and murder of black people at the hands of the police and other institutions has been systematic and widespread. It needs to end. And Canada, if you think you can feel superior because "it's not like that here," your ignorance is only overshadowed by how wrong you are.

There are people with better and more things to say on the subject, so I'm going to do what most of us should do and listen.

Complex trauma from abuse can cause chronic exhaustion, and chronic pain. This means the recovery, aside from being filled with guilt, shame and rage, will include long time spent in bed, feeling to exhausted and pained to move, or do anything.

This is happening because trauma is hard on the human body, and your body will spend all energy just trying to fight it, or repress it, or process it. The emotional pain of trauma being processed is enough to cause physical pain, chest pain, pain in all of your joints, headaches; your body will be so tense you can end up in chronic back pain and muscle pain just from all the tension and inability to relax. Your mind will be re-living the past and your body will react accordingly, getting terrified, shocked, tense, and finally showing all the damage you couldn’t feel when the abuse was happening. Even if you felt nothing while it was happening, there was no way to avoid this, your body can’t keep the trauma hidden inside of you forever.

One thing common for recovering victims is to feel intense shame for resting, for spending so much time in bed, feeling sick and worried about their future because they can’t get it together enough, or can’t get their tasks done due to pain and detachment from reality. You’ve all experienced being shamed for resting, being blamed for your own pain, and told you have no value if you’re not productive and hardworking. However, none of this applies to you right now. You need to rest. This rest is for survival. This is comparable to recovery from life-threatening injury, you cannot be expected to function or shamed for being lazy if your body is broken and barely hanging onto life. You are surviving, and you need rehabilitation and care, not feelings of inadequacy or shame for still daring to be alive.

It’s alright for you to exist just to rest only. In rare moments you do manage to get up, it’s okay to just do soothing non-productive stuff. There is no limit to how much care you need right now and you are obliged to give that to yourself. If the chronic exhaustion is caused by trauma, it will get better, not fast, not all at once, but slowly, during months and years, your body will let enough trauma out to allow you to use some of your energy for yourself. It’s vital you rest and let the trauma do its thing, and then eventually you will get your body back.