Side Note: I Know That IQ Tests Are Essentially Worthless And Tell You Very Little About The Actual Intelligence

Side note:  I know that IQ tests are essentially worthless and tell you very little about the actual intelligence of a human being.

But it was the prospect of having something on paper that may indicate I wasn’t lacking as much as he liked to tell me that I was that made him so nervous.  It was a bit satisfying.  I’m sure I paid for it later.

One day, i had the audacity to not share his opinion.

After the usual screamfest he insisted that one day we would take an IQ test to prove once and for all that I was an idiot and he was smarter. He told me that I should shut the fuck up or I would feel extra stupid that day.

In one of my rare moments of defiance, i asked very politely, what would happen if, by some accident, I scored higher than him. I saw a split second of “oh shit” in his eyes before he said “then we would know that the test was faulty because that’s not possible.”

You know, I don’t think he ever brought it up again.

There are lots of accounts online and elsewhere of people experiencing guilt due to a perceived lack of productivity right now.

I have that feeling every day regardless of what I've accomplished. He made sure I never felt comfortable resting; there was always something to do, some task that needed completion immediately after the last one, and some ball I was dropping by sitting on the couch and day dreaming for a few minutes.

This guilt is crippling and so hard to shake. It's a fight to remind yourself that rest, particularly in streessful times or when healing, is not a luxury.

It's a necessity.

A text from January 31, 2017

wow all you need to do is surprise me with dinner, a new job, a three some, a vacation and a apartment (or your own home big enough for me)

and i would be dating you.

Nothing reinforces your sense of self loathing quite like revamping your resume and cover letter.

One day, i had the audacity to not share his opinion.

After the usual screamfest he insisted that one day we would take an IQ test to prove once and for all that I was an idiot and he was smarter. He told me that I should shut the fuck up or I would feel extra stupid that day.

In one of my rare moments of defiance, i asked very politely, what would happen if, by some accident, I scored higher than him. I saw a split second of "oh shit" in his eyes before he said "then we would know that the test was faulty because that's not possible."

You know, I don't think he ever brought it up again.

If you were ever looking for a place to start:

1. Walks are wonderful - no one you pass knows anything about the purpose of your journey, so you don't need to feel awkward in your 'aloneness'.

2. The movies! It's dark, and you're not supposed to speak anyway. Show up during previews if you're feeling vulnerable.

There are worse things

When I am alone, I think it is the worst. I have to remind myself constantly that no, indeed, it isn’t.