My Parents Moved Closer To My Old Neighbourhood. I Often Have To Drive By To Visit Them.

My parents moved closer to my old neighbourhood. I often have to drive by to visit them.

I still get chills and that heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach when i think that I might see him. Or worse, that he might see me.

Ghosts

Driving in our his neighbourhood this evening. That tightness in my chest returned.  I held my breath when I drove past our his road.  

The neighbourhood is haunted.  Cursed.

My safety net was there and I had help and support.  That’s why I am safe now.

Some survivors are not so lucky.  Please help this person if you can.

May 8, 2021 (CW for abuse)

This is still my situation at home, with my partner.

For those who don’t know me, I’m Miriam. I’m 22. I’m a mostly-closeted trans woman in an abusive relationship. I’m trying to scrape together some funds to safely leave. A friend started a PayPal pool for me at the beginning of the year and I made this blog. Since then I’ve made some preparations, talked to a counselor, and I may have a temporary place to stay if I’m able to leave.

So, I could still use more help. Lack of money and a social safety net around me are what’s holding me back the most now. My car, despite my best efforts, is on its deathbed. At this point it would cost about as much to fix it as it’d be to scrap it and just buy another one. I still have medical bills piled up. I’d like to save up for staying somewhere more permanently someday. I’d still like to start taking steps to transition once I’m in a better place. I’d like to feel safe.

I’ll leave a link to the PayPal pool. Anything helps, including reblogs. You can donate anonymously and without having a PayPal account.

paypal.me

Miriam's escape fund

(Updated 8/5/21) Hi, I’m Miriam and I’m a trans woman trying to safely remove myself from a physically abusive relationship. I would appreci

Tagging some blogs in hopes for this to gain some traction, but no pressure. Thank you all. ❤️

@trans-mom @bihet-dragonize @ndiecity @girlfriendluvr @lezzyharpy @thebibliosphere @justsomeantifas​​ @one-time-i-dreamt​ @lesbonic-ebonics​ @closet-keys​ @socialistexan @peetbools @butchniqabi @omegaverse @bill-nye-official-blog

I get hugs all day from my partner now. ESPECIALLY when I dont think I deserve one.

My humanity ebbing away.

“Can I have a hug?”

“What makes you think you deserve one?”

My good people, I give you: Amatonormativity.

Fast forward: I have helped my partner secure her finances and consolidate her debt into the mortgage. We're on the path to being mortgage and debt free 7 years ahead of schedule. We're working on the house and plan to take some small trips with cash that I've saved; no credit required.

I have a retirement savings now, a few small investments, and can look forward a little.

We are not wealthy, but it's become increasingly clear that I'm pretty damn good with money.

The Truth About Money

When I was running after him I was perpetually broke.  I rarely spent a dime on myself, and if I did it was for him in a round about way (a personal trainer, aesthetics, etc).  He blamed my inability to budget and poor spending habits.

About a year ago, I had an experience that first lifted the veil. If you are interested, you can read about it here.  Shortly after that time I cracked down and prioritized saving; I prioritized it even over him because I had realized that I truly was alone.

That was the beginning of the end of his interest in me.  After all, what good am I if I am not bankrolling his interests? He severed contact approximately three months ago. I wish I had done it, but unfortunately that wasn’t the way it went.  

Since we’ve ceased speaking I have, in addition to saving more money than I have ever had for myself ever, paid off the remainder of my student debt, paid off my maxed out credit card, and taken 10% off what I owe on my line of credit.  All the while having a modest social life. 

I am not bad with money. He was bad with my money.  He is bad.

Damned if you don’t

I hated running into people we both knew after he’d kicked me out.

He'd sent me to buy him dinner one night and his cousin was at the restaurant.  In retrospect I am confident she would not have known that I was aware she was there.  To be honest, I saw her for only a moment before looking away and my back was to her for the remainder of my time there.

I was his ex as far as his family was concerned, and wasn’t keen on an awkward conversation. Plus, I didn’t see who her companion was; she could have been on a date. So I kept to myself, went to the bar, paid, and left.

I told him that I saw his cousin with someone. If I ever went anywhere and someone told him that they saw me, but I didn’t mention it, he’d lose it.  He’d say I was withholding information and this was evidence that I was the same monstrous slut I always was.

So I told him and as per the usual, he used that information to torture me. 

He did some investigation to see who his cousin was with.  He made a point to call and tell me his sister and his cousin were very offended that I chose not to say hello. He said they congratulated him on being rid of me.

That’s possible I guess. But I’m calling bullshit. Just another opportunity to make me feel terrible.