Realizations - Tumblr Posts
On Tuesday I had an intake appointment for group therapy at my local women’s shelter. I had a Personal Danger and Risk Assessment done. The score scale is out of 30 and a score of 19 or higher categorized you as “In Extreme Danger/At Extremely High Risk”.
I scored a 27.
Fast forward: I have helped my partner secure her finances and consolidate her debt into the mortgage. We're on the path to being mortgage and debt free 7 years ahead of schedule. We're working on the house and plan to take some small trips with cash that I've saved; no credit required.
I have a retirement savings now, a few small investments, and can look forward a little.
We are not wealthy, but it's become increasingly clear that I'm pretty damn good with money.
The Truth About Money
When I was running after him I was perpetually broke. I rarely spent a dime on myself, and if I did it was for him in a round about way (a personal trainer, aesthetics, etc). He blamed my inability to budget and poor spending habits.
About a year ago, I had an experience that first lifted the veil. If you are interested, you can read about it here. Shortly after that time I cracked down and prioritized saving; I prioritized it even over him because I had realized that I truly was alone.
That was the beginning of the end of his interest in me. After all, what good am I if I am not bankrolling his interests? He severed contact approximately three months ago. I wish I had done it, but unfortunately that wasn’t the way it went.
Since we’ve ceased speaking I have, in addition to saving more money than I have ever had for myself ever, paid off the remainder of my student debt, paid off my maxed out credit card, and taken 10% off what I owe on my line of credit. All the while having a modest social life.
I am not bad with money. He was bad with my money. He is bad.
third time to make the same "regret(?)"
ottoke?! inatake na naman ako ng aking katangahan! i was too impulsive for sending the first two message. && now, i apologized through the same method. what was i thinking when i know that he'll either ignore it, get annoyed or maybe even laugh at it (worse he'll laugh at me and call me a crazy, dimwit girl). gosh! these mistakes are piling up and idk what to do anymore. i think i only make the matter worse. he'll hate me forever. i said i was sorry but somehow i did it partly because i want him to notice me even for just a few seconds. ahhh ano na lang pagkakaiba ko sa mga sasaeng fans nya?! i feel so pathetic for even telling him what i really feel. confession kung confession talaga?! ahhh i bet balewala lang sa kanya un. normal lang na may nagcoconfess sa kanya. I bet he's so used to having girls throwing themselves at him everyday. he'll never know how sincere i am. bakit kasi sya pa? bakit ngayon pa? bakit nangyari pa ito? ayaw ko ulit magdrama and mag-isip na i am hurting. di kasi tama ito. pero paano ko ba macocontrol feelings ko?? paano ko sya makakalimutan? ahh baliw na nga ata ako... EMJH, wala ba talagang pag-asa na mapansin mo ako??? Sana lang di dumating ung day na sasabihin ko sa sarili ko na... "mahal na ata kita..." sana magising na ako sa kalokohang ito para sa ikabubuti mo. sana matauhan agad ako para di na kita maistorbo. E, sorry talaga ha. One day, i hope you'll forgive me.
I love myself now. Self-love means that I have a relationship with myself built on trust and loyalty. I trust myself to have my own back, so my allegiance is to the voice within. I’ll abandon everyone else’s expectations of me before I’ll abandon myself. I’ll disappoint everyone else before I’ll disappoint myself. I’ll forsake all others before I’ll forsake myself. Me and myself: We are till death do us part. What the world needs is more women who have quit fearing themselves and started trusting themselves.
Glennon Doyle, Untamed
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Photo by OP
How are you feeling today?
While scrolling through my screenshot album, I saw my conversation with a good friend of mine which made me realized and learned something about myself lately. He told me, “You have the tendency to blame yourself for the things that have changed which caused good to you but a negative impact to other people unintentionally, since it’s not you who caused it.”
Those made me realized...
I was always too hard on myself. I do not even acknowledge my own achievements that I know I have been working on for a long time. I often care about how people think about me that majorly affects my decisions.
That is something I am currently working on for myself. This attitude will lead me to burnout, and that is not good.
And to you, do not be too hard on yourself. You are doing great. Even if it is just a gradual achievement, it is much better than doing nothing.
Just for a Little While
Just for a Little While
I was born in 1995, and I have spent my 25th year of existence during the onset of the 2020 pandemic. I have heard of the quarter-life crisis before, but I never did expect that I would be experiencing it while the world is in literal viral chaos. I have been in isolation before, but this imposed an unrelenting imposition of both internal and external turmoil. This, in turn, has given me an…
