Unlearning

Unlearning

I was driving around seeing clients yesterday for about 6 hours. I'd only had a bagel for breakfast and it was nearing 6pm. I was pretty hungry.

I stopped for food, and I felt really bad about it. I confessed to my partner that I'd stopped, expecting her to agree with my assessment that it was financially irresponsible.

She didn't. Naturally. Because eating is not a luxury, and it's worth the $17.

The idea of a 'soulmate' kept me with him.

"I was put here to love him. If not me, then who?"

Turns out, it's someone else's gig (Pixies, protect her), and I get to choose to love my partner, who's awesome, every day.

I love soulmates but also this-

I don't know if this was the direction you were going OP, but you've triggered a memory and I'm hijacking your post. Sorry.

If I didn't cook, he didn't eat. Period.

After he kicked me out, I was still under his spell for nearly 2 years. During this time, he did his best to mistreat and torture me, more than previously. One of his tactics was trying to find a new victim partner. I sort of got to 'watch' their relationship develop in real time. At least from his perspective.

I saw the moment he decided to allow things to go downhill with one woman. She cooked for him, and apparently was very proud of what she made, her 'signature.' He didn't like it, said it was bland and uninspired.

So he fucked me when he knew she'd be stopping by. Then, he pretended like it was my fault because I was too noisy, or because I was near a window and she saw me in the house, or whatever logical gymnastics he wanted to perform that day.

Afterward he said it was for the best because she was 'unreasonable'. But I know it was because he didn't like her cooking.

If she didn't cook something he liked, he wouldn't eat. Period.

I'm curious. Reblog this if you know how to cook

I don’t even care if it’s macaroni, ramen or those little bowls you stick in the microwave. Please, I need reassurance that most of the population on tumblr WOULDN’T STARVE TO DEATH if their parents couldn’t fix them food or they couldn’t go out to eat. 

In the early stages of healing I used to trauma dump.

It was fucking WILD the shit that would tumble out of my mouth to people I barely knew. To combat it, I put a vice grip on it. I under shared to try to curb the habit.

It worked. Too well. And it appears to be permanent.

I have no idea how to share about my life now. This was a message I sent to my very best friends:

I haven't followed up.

I'd imagine he would deny doing anything to me at all.

Living with him made it very difficult to be a good person. I wasn't. That made it difficult to leave.

two things can be true at the same time. your behavior could've been toxic but you were still being abused. you don't have to be an angel to be a victim.