Living With Him Made It Very Difficult To Be A Good Person. I Wasn't. That Made It Difficult To Leave.

Living with him made it very difficult to be a good person. I wasn't. That made it difficult to leave.

two things can be true at the same time. your behavior could've been toxic but you were still being abused. you don't have to be an angel to be a victim.

He's been on my mind a lot.

I guess it's not surprising; mentally I've been in a hole lately. And my brain likes to keep me there.

Still, it's frustrating to feel like I'm regressing.

YOU don’t have to be perfect to be loved. but I do

When he did something that profoundly upset me, he'd know, and he would force me to come to bed. Usually he'd have sex with me, and I'd lay there.

I would lay there, seething, until I knew he was asleep. Then I'd slip out of bed and go to sleep on the couch in the basement.

Only then I'd exhale. I'd message someone I wasn't supposed to. I'd stretch out and release my muscles. I'd masturbate to a fantasy in my head that didn't include him. I would feel safe knowing I'd hear the floorboards creek if he got up.

It was a false sense of security, but it was a breath that kept me from drowning.

He's getting married to someone I am about 3 or 4 degrees of separation from (depending on your definition).

It's not a full spiral, but there's definitely some things I need to talk to my therapist about. Some emotions that ranged from mild and controlled to shameful.

But generally, I think I'm doing ok. I'm currently eating my feelings at nearly 3am, but I've had worse nights.

The idea of a 'soulmate' kept me with him.

"I was put here to love him. If not me, then who?"

Turns out, it's someone else's gig (Pixies, protect her), and I get to choose to love my partner, who's awesome, every day.

I love soulmates but also this-