When He Did Something That Profoundly Upset Me, He'd Know, And He Would Force Me To Come To Bed. Usually

When he did something that profoundly upset me, he'd know, and he would force me to come to bed. Usually he'd have sex with me, and I'd lay there.

I would lay there, seething, until I knew he was asleep. Then I'd slip out of bed and go to sleep on the couch in the basement.

Only then I'd exhale. I'd message someone I wasn't supposed to. I'd stretch out and release my muscles. I'd masturbate to a fantasy in my head that didn't include him. I would feel safe knowing I'd hear the floorboards creek if he got up.

It was a false sense of security, but it was a breath that kept me from drowning.

I don't know exactly what the original post said before the angel teathattast (or a contemporary) fixed it, but I'm nauseous just thinking about it.

He was absolutely that guy.

*gag*

The idea of a 'soulmate' kept me with him.

"I was put here to love him. If not me, then who?"

Turns out, it's someone else's gig (Pixies, protect her), and I get to choose to love my partner, who's awesome, every day.

I love soulmates but also this-

This is roughly where I i started approx 7 years ago.

When I feel bad about regression, i try to look at the bigger picture.

A special kind of heartbreak - the one who hurt me for years began seeing someone else. It makes me feel so flawed that I’m not even suited to be a punching bag.

Approximately 24 hours out from discovery and I can talk about it a little. There were two things I felt in particular that I was ashamed of:

Jealousy - this lasted for no more than 5 seconds, but it was still the first one I felt. Can you really hate someone if you're jealous of the person they're with, however fleeting that emotion is?

Doubt in my own experience - it hits so subtly, but like a freight train at the same time. If she likes him and wants to marry him, he can't be that bad, right? Was everything I felt and experienced real? Or was it al in my head? Did I invent it all to justify being a bad person?

It's been seven years, and I still don't trust my own brain.

He's getting married to someone I am about 3 or 4 degrees of separation from (depending on your definition).

It's not a full spiral, but there's definitely some things I need to talk to my therapist about. Some emotions that ranged from mild and controlled to shameful.

But generally, I think I'm doing ok. I'm currently eating my feelings at nearly 3am, but I've had worse nights.