Many Nights I Wonder How I Survived This.

Many nights I wonder how I survived this.

Some nights I don’t feel like I should have.

I belong to a local community theatre organization. It's given me the opportunity to meet some really lovely people

One member with whom I get along quite well is a psychology professor at the University in my city. I really enjoy her company; she's a genuine, sweet person.

I told him about her a few times in passing, but he really perked up when he found out what she did for a living.

" Now it makes sense. You understand why she's interested in talking to you, right? She recognizes that something's wrong with you..."

It INFURIATES me that his words still make me cry this hard. 

Holy cricket!  I called him on it!  I am ... shocked.  This would have been approximately 2 weeks after my abortion; I would characterize my mental state at this time as part zombie, part repressed rage.

While I have absolutely no recollection of doing this, I am proud of my past self for standing up for me.

Typo Legend:  ND = and  ;   sud = said

Ditto receiving oral sex. Is that product of being with a man with whom I did not feel comfortable or confident, and did not put things like my pleasure in a position of priority? Or do I just plainly not like it?

I'm an adult. I feel very distressed that I don't actually know the answers to these questions.

This worries me.

I can’t tell if I don’t like kissing in general or if I just don’t like kissing him.

Hazard of being with someone who crushes you every day of your entire adult life.

He could not wash dishes. He'd get a rash on his hands ( possibly eczema or psoriasis). No solutions would placate him. He only ever had problems, never solutions.

Ruined Weekends

He often complained that I “robbed” him of his weekend when he kicked me out of the house. That was because he’d have thrown me out before I had the opportunity to do his dishes and clean his house. And he couldnt go out or do things if his house wasn’t clean.

My fault.