I Am An Adult, And, Im Sorry, I Cant Help The Fact That I Just Need A Damn Hug Today.

I am an adult, and, I’m sorry, I can’t help the fact that I just need a damn hug today.

When you're reaching out for help, a " I'm sorry, the girl who leads that program isn't here right now, can you call back tomorrow?" will set me back at least a week.

It may seem petulant, but when you get up the nerve, it may be fleeting, and you need someone to catch you. Right then.

I don't think you'll understand this if you've never been in crisis mode.

Flashbacks

But not the kind you expect.

Where one minute I'm laughing at some stupid thing on my phone and then I see his face. He's looking at me the way he does when he's made me laugh so hard I can't breathe. In that second i see all the love; it's real and I am vindicated. I forgive him for calling me a cunt yesterday. This feels like happiness, I think.

All I want is to go back there. To that moment. Instead I'm sitting here slumped over my steering wheel.

Just had a flashback - I treated myself to a smoothie this afternoon.

Last summer he asked me to pick him up a smoothie before coming to his house. It was a regular request. I obliged and started to drive to his place.

He sent me a text; he needed 3 other things at 3 different stores. I agreed to get them. It took some time, and by the time i had gotten to his house the smoothie had melted a bit.

He lost it. He told me I ruined smoothies for him and threw it ( as in wound up like a pitcher) into the sink. It splattered everywhere.

I sobbed silently as I wiped it up.

Let's lighten the mood a bit.

I'm sorry for that last one. It's been in my mental queue for months and needed to come out. It also provides context for things I've written and will write. I'm sorry all the same. If I neglected to tag something please let me know.

I first received a note on that post this morning when i woke up. Someone liked it, to my surprise, and it wasn't a name I recognized. So I investigated and I've been laughing incredulously at what I've found all day:

He told me write out all the things I deserved to reference any time I deigned to feel good.  I kept it under my mouse pad at work up until yesterday when I brought it home.

I can’t date this specifically, but I’m thinking Fall 2016.  I remember writing it.

Excuse the handwriting.