Never Good Enough - Tumblr Posts
“Your next boyfriend is going to be so lucky. You might be worth something by then.”
Just had a flashback - I treated myself to a smoothie this afternoon.
Last summer he asked me to pick him up a smoothie before coming to his house. It was a regular request. I obliged and started to drive to his place.
He sent me a text; he needed 3 other things at 3 different stores. I agreed to get them. It took some time, and by the time i had gotten to his house the smoothie had melted a bit.
He lost it. He told me I ruined smoothies for him and threw it ( as in wound up like a pitcher) into the sink. It splattered everywhere.
I sobbed silently as I wiped it up.
In October, he told me that he hoped I never let myself slip into the notion that I deserved to treat myself.
Humiliation in parts - Part Three
TW - named body parts, reference to sexual act. Too much personal information. Not enough tagging. Or something.
On top of my smell, he got on my case about how hairless my vulva was. If he noticed there was a hair left he would draw attention to it and try to imply that I did not know what I was doing.
He hated razor bumps or ingrown hairs. He’d point them out. He would be grossed out. He would be turned off. He would stop whatever it was that we were doing so I could “go fix it.”
He’d regularly ‘inspect’ me before he would proceed with any sort of sex act . I don’t mean looking at me hungrily, lovingly or longingly, I mean basically giving me a pelvic exam. Sometimes I couldn’t even find whatever it was that he was complaining about; I think he was just trying to make me uncomfortable.
If there was any grooming out of place I’d never hear the end of it.
About this time three years ago our his basement flooded which led to us gutting and reframing the basement.
The day it happened, my parents' basement, with whome I was living, also flooded. I had to call into work to help them keep the water at bay.
Then he called and he snapped his fingers and I left my parents and went running over to help him. Only one other person stopped by during the whole process - his dad to drop off a shop vac. No one else came, no one else helped.
When I arrived I walked down the stairs. I could tell he was upset, and I was already anxious but I wanted to try to comfort him.
I opened my mouth to say hello, but didn't get the word out of my mouth before he had punched me in the chest so hard that it knocked me back against the stairs and the wind out of me. He also told me that if I did one thing to upset him, he'd give me a few to the head.
I spent the next 16 hours removing water from his basement along with carpet, flooring, heavy furniture and drywall.
I don't think I spoke.
Art is our only salvation from the horror of existence...
Blood dripping from an open vein,
releasing life and mental pain...
I am so tired of being myself. And nothing ever helps...
I wanna drink the pain away. But I can't drink because of taking strong antidepressants that doesn't even work...
I know, I say "sorry" a lot. But what can I do when I feel this metaphysical guilt for being alive? Like I am guilty of commiting the crime of existing in this world...?
I need a break from myself. How do I do that without killing myself...?
I am emotionally fucked up...
me, every day: i just dont have the energy for this today
Living with Clinical Depression sucks. You want to live and enjoy your life, but you are also constantly tired to do anything. To go out, to hang out with friends, to have a family dinner, to fucking move and sometimes... you are just freaking exhausted to only breathe...
I want this tiredness and heavyness to go away, so I can start LIVING my life. Not just survive through time.
I mean. Clinical depression. Trust issues. Body insecurity....
Why not add "r@ped and therefore terrified of intimite contact and men"... right? Thank you world, can't wait to see what is coming next.
How do I cope with recovery..?
Weird question I know... but after all those years of surviving through days, fighting the depression every single day, making myself get out of the bed or just breathe....
I know how to survive.
But I have no idea how to LIVE.
