I Don't Want To Jinx It But...

I don't want to jinx it but...

It's been 36 hours. No call. No text. No email.

Sorry for the meltdown last night. That was dramatic.

Voicemail received 2:31am

  Transcript:

{My name},

I..... apologize for trying to reach you as much as I have.  What I wanted to say to you I figured you wanted to hear.... So.... that being said from tonight on I won’t call you anymore.  If you get this message and you want to know what it was..... call me....Thank you.

It’s Magic.

I have been trying to write this post for three days. I’m finding it difficult to put my head into words.

I struggle with Magical Thinking.  Ex): I was horrible to my mother as a teenager, and some of his rants sounded like things 14 year old me would have said.  So, naturally, the torture I endured for 13 years must be punishment for this.

It’s .. bonkers and I know that, but I don’t always, know it.

I believe a lot of the shitty things that have happened to me are the result of decisions I have made even though the links ... well... there aren’t any. This is my brain making connections that don’t actually exist - like I have a conspiracy theorist living inside my head.  And that conspiracy theorist is a jackass.

Because not only do I blame myself for, well, everything, I’ve learned to negotiate with my inner conspiracy theorist jackass that if I suffer enough,  perhaps I can forgive myself for past mistakes and prevent future horrors. 

I think i have always had these issues, but honestly, I have a hard time remembering the details of my mental state prior to him.  What I can say for certain was that he made these thing worse.

On top of also blaming me for everything, he especially reinforced the you-must-be-punished-for-your-crimes-real-or-imaginary mentality.  

He did lots of the punishing himself, but he had me do it too.  I learned how to self harm without any of the tell-tale signs.  

I try to pronounce words and names correctly.  Not in a pretentious “Oh, well actually, Gloria, the q is silent” type of way, but  a trying-to-be-respectful-and-not-a-shitty-white-person type of way.

He took a special interest in ridiculing me incessantly for this.  He made me feel like an idiot and insecure about every attempt I made. He loved it when I failed. I stopped trying when he was around.

Occasionally I have to make calls to clients at work.  I spend at least twice as much time practising their names under my breath as I do going over the details of their case. 

I still hear him laughing in my head.

This truly isn’t an ask, I tried to message you and it wouldn’t let me for some reason. I’ve been scrolling through your tumblr and skim reading your posts. And some of them, and the qualities your abuser possessed, and the crap he would say to you in your texts you have posted remind me of my husband! My husband is abusive and he gets to deny it while I relive it. He’s not anywhere near as bad physically or with requirements. However, I am glad you are no longer in a bad situation. Bless you!

Continued: And this is the same person on anon as the other message, I just want to say I know that you’re healing, and I am so glad that you’re sharing. Your story can save lives. I’m stuck, and I cried reading your posts. It’s like seeing my life from the last 2 years in a way, and when I start feeling better after I leave? He starts to love me. It’s horrible being a pawn in a war waged unjustly in your own self and then have it be played out as Love. I see love so askew now, and I still love him.

Dear Survivor,I am so sorry you’re feeling stuck and that you relate to any of this. Our hearts have lived on scraps for too long and no one can feel whole like that. Nor can you come out the other end without scars.

I can tell you are kind and brave; reaching out takes courage. You can message me any time. I hope you feel a little stronger every day.

-EDG