Magical Thinking - Tumblr Posts

It’s Magic.

I have been trying to write this post for three days. I’m finding it difficult to put my head into words.

I struggle with Magical Thinking.  Ex): I was horrible to my mother as a teenager, and some of his rants sounded like things 14 year old me would have said.  So, naturally, the torture I endured for 13 years must be punishment for this.

It’s .. bonkers and I know that, but I don’t always, know it.

I believe a lot of the shitty things that have happened to me are the result of decisions I have made even though the links ... well... there aren’t any. This is my brain making connections that don’t actually exist - like I have a conspiracy theorist living inside my head.  And that conspiracy theorist is a jackass.

Because not only do I blame myself for, well, everything, I’ve learned to negotiate with my inner conspiracy theorist jackass that if I suffer enough,  perhaps I can forgive myself for past mistakes and prevent future horrors. 

I think i have always had these issues, but honestly, I have a hard time remembering the details of my mental state prior to him.  What I can say for certain was that he made these thing worse.

On top of also blaming me for everything, he especially reinforced the you-must-be-punished-for-your-crimes-real-or-imaginary mentality.  

He did lots of the punishing himself, but he had me do it too.  I learned how to self harm without any of the tell-tale signs.  

This is why i can't have nice things.

Things are sort of going well. So that means something devastating is afoot.

You can't convince me otherwise. But I'll nod and smile and let you think you did.

:)

I think the abuse robbed me of my capacity for joy; that whole "in the moment" feeling everyone talks about.

It's conditioning from years in the cycle, where a happy few hours came to a screeching halt ( literally) due to some inconsequential blip, and days of misery would follow.

Beware the happy times - the worst ones come next. How do you relax and be present when that's been your programmed mantra?

Magical Thinking

-                                    Photo copyright Terrie Birch/astrologywise  When a butterfly flaps its wings in Brazil we get a hurricane off the coast of Florida. (attributed to Edward Lorenz, Chaos Theory)  The butterfly effect “If a butterfly flapping its wings in the Amazon causes a hurricane in the Caribbean then surely a group of writers flapping their arms in the New Forest could shift the jetstream. Let’s do it,” I said. Six Village Writers enthusiastically flapped their elbows while four others looked on in quizzical amusement. We had been discussing the abnormally cold and wet ‘summer’ we were experiencing which, apparently, was due to the jet stream being ‘stuck in the wrong place’. I had made my suggestion somewhat flippantly. But, two days later the sun came out, summer had arrived. The jet stream had shifted. When I recounted this to a friend she said witheringly: “Surely you don’t think you had anything Read more at http://theothersidepress.com/magical-thinking-2265