Reasons Why I Did Not Kill Myself Two Weeks Ago:

Reasons why I did not kill myself two weeks ago: 

• this 1% in me that wants to live is bigger than the 99% that want to die

• my grandmother does not deserve this

• I love my pets and just any animal in general

• New music that shows me that this world is maybe not entirely doomed

• Old music that still touches my heart

• I still have to know who will get to sit on the Iron Throne

• Waiting for the new season of Game of Thrones, Vikings, OITNB, Bojack Horseman and so many more

• New movies, new music, new books; simply new art

• Travelling and being in places that I’ve never been before

• All this new clothes in my closet I still want to wear

• The chance to make someone else smile

• The first coffee after waking up that touches my soul

• Good food

• Buying something I wanted to buy for a long time

• I want to see my favourite band at least one last time in concert

• I’ve been waiting for their new album for almost 9 years

• I simply could not do it

• This ridiculous 1% which is stronger than 99%

Those parties, they were really something. There were skits and magic acts and ethnically insensitive vaudeville routines and the big finale was always a dance my mother did. She had a beautiful dress that she only brought out for these parties and she did this incredible number. 

It was so beautiful and sad.

Dad hated parties. He’d lock himself in the study and bang on the walls for us to keep it down but he always came out to see Mom dance. He’d linger in the doorway, scotch in hand and watch in awe, as this cynical, despicable woman he married...took flight. And as a child who was completely terrified of both my parents, I was always aware that this moment of grace, it meant something. We understood each other, in a way. Me and my mom and my dad, as screwed up as we all were, we did understand each other. My mother, she knew what it’s like to feel your entire life like you’re drowning, with the exceptions of these moments, these very rare brief instances, in which you suddenly remember...you can swim.

You don’t love anyone? Of course you don’t, darling. You don’t have the balls for it. To love you need courage. I have courage. Look. 

Helsi. I love you. I love you such much ... that I would have a family with you. See? This is bravery. I feel it and I say it. 

And that you don’t know how to do. How long has it been? Ten years? You were in love with Berlin for ten years? And you never dared to tell him. Of course you worshiped him and followed him like a dog. And that’s it. Now what? Nothing is possible now. He’s dead. And you’re empty. The only thing you can do is hide behind that damn speech. Boom, boom, ciao. Because you know. You’ve been left in the lurch forever, friend.

M A N I A C