Borderline - Tumblr Posts

"just learn to tolerate things" if i hear that shit come out of your mouth one more time I am going to hit you with a brick, fuck you.

I hate whenever people tell me that I "struggle with tolerating things" or how I "get triggered whenever someone has an opinion that's not 100% like yours", because while it is objectively true, people forget that i canNOT control this shit.

I stopped tolerating shit because i had people constantly manipulate and exploit me to the point it basically killed my wellbeing, it's LITERALLY a trauma response.

And the black-and-white thinking is because, get this: IT'S A PART OF MY FUCKING DISORDER, ONE OF THE MAIN CRITERIA ACTUALLY.

Also, saying that I get all pissy at someone not 100% agreeing with an opinion i have is a bit of a stretch. I can tolerate someone not 100% agreeing with me, I'm not that close-minded, however, what i DON'T tolerate is someone being a genuine asshole about their opinion and/or actively attempting to trigger me on purpose. (*COUGH COUGH* The Tony Crynight sever Incident)

Seriously, people act like I don't constantly argue with people online..

Anyway, probably gonna show this blog to my therapist (because at least SHE knows how I fell and at least I can actually trust her..)

When you are a borderline

Sadness feels like suicide.

Anger feels like murder.

Distance feels like abbandonment.

Joy feels weird and unknown.

Being in love feels like being an inconvenience.

Loving someone feels like losing control.

Losing someone feels like dying.

Happiness feels like unbearable euphoria.

Feeling normal feels like feeling nothing.

Now put all that in a single week.

your tone changed your tone changed your tone changed just say you hate me

i don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm scared, I don't want to do anything. I don't have a strong passion. Maybe I'm not even a real person.

Just let me curl up in a bed and sleep for an eternity...

Hell

(reblog cause it refused to give me the tag I wanted)

Is it bad that I'm starting to feel less interested in tony crynight?

I remember just a few years ago, I used to get all excited and nearly break something just by seeing that they posted on youtube.

Nowadays, whenever I see something he posted, I just think "oh cool." Before going back to whatever I'm doing. No emotions pop up for me, I don't feel a rush of adrenaline that a person feels when they get excited... nothing.

it's actually making me feel pretty worried honestly because i don't even know why I'm feeling like this, it just kind of happened. And I feel like absolute dog shit about it.

Maybe it's because Tony messaged me on tiktok once or twice and then suddenly stopped and now I'm starting to believe that he hates me and it's causing me to split from him?? Or maybe it's the racist dog video making me believe that he wants me dead cause i'm gay??? fuck...

Maybe I should stop relying on big content creators for attention and affection and risking them being accused of grooming if they decide to give me attention.

Not like they give a fuck about me anyway.

''Doesn't know what it's like to receive love''

It hurts.

It hurts so much.

I need someone, anyone, to love me.

Being unlovable hurts.

It's the pain of knowing that noone can ever love me the way I love them.

To love the way I do is to burn and scratch open my skin just to try and show you a part of me.

It's to always wait for something.

10/4/2024, 10:18 p.m.

I'm starting to resent Tony Crynight and I'm hating it.

So, Tony is my "special interest", and for years, I idolized him and loved him. I made a lot of fanart for him, I made several discord servers of him over the years, HELL, I MADE A WHOLE ASS POWERPOINT PRESENTATION ABOUT HIM AND PRESENTED IT TO THE CLASS BECAUSE I WANTED OTHER PEOPLE TO KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVED HIM!

And now.. I'm losing those feelings for him.

I'm starting to feel less excited about his posts, I stopped talking about him as much, stopped watching his videos...

And I'm starting to feel like it's killing me slowly, like i'm losing my personality.

And I think I know why this is happening.

Tony had sent me DMs expressing how "grateful" he is to have me as a fan, and he's replied to my comments before on his page, Hell, he's even said that he liked a meme drawing I did of him. He gave me his attention and affection. 

And then one day it just stopped. And he acted as if I never existed in the first place. 

He abandoned me. He threw me away...

And I hate him for that.

I also think that he probably wants me dead because of an old video he made all the way back in 2014, long before I became a fan of him, even if his views on gay people having since changed. But what difference would his political views make on his opinion of me? He probably thinks I'm annoying as shit and he probably wishes I didn't exist.

But, for some reason, I can't let him go.

He's been a part of my life since 2018, and everyone knows me as the autistic tony crynight fan, by my parents, by my friends, by everyone.

If I leave Tony, that would mean I no longer am the autistic tony crynight fan, and if I'm not that, then who am I...? 

I can't take it anymore. I need him to pay attention to me. 

I need him, as much as I hate him.

I hate you, @tonycrynight....

As a self-proclaimed Yandere with BPD (though i don't talk about it for some reason), I'mma have to agree wholeheartedly with this.

I feel like the only people who should identify as a yandere are the people who've actually had to deal with the experience that's often associated with yandere behavior (as you mentioned)

The only exception I'll make is Ayano Aishi from Yandere simulator, but mainly because she's extremely BPD coded and I headcanon her as someone with BPD.

God I hate neurotypicals sometimes...

I feel saying you’re a self proclaimed “yandere” is fetishizing mental illness

The term yandere is literally based on bpd and being obsessive

Unlike people who are a self proclaimed “yandere” I can’t fucking help it

It isn’t a cute and quirky thing it’s a genuine mental illness that has been warped to a media stereotype and romanized the shit out of

10/9/2024

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Quick update on the tony crynight situation:

he saw my message and didn't respond. He left me on read.

He knows I'm trying to get his attention and he fucking ignored me. 

Welp, I guess I know now why he won't respond to me.

I want to fucking kill myself so bad rn, he wouldn't even care if I did anyway.

He's too busy giving those pathetic assholes he calls "fans" a lot more attention than me, when I was the one who made several discord servers dedicated to him, made countless pieces of fan art for him, HELL, I EVEN MADE A GOD DAMN SLIDESHOW PRESENTATION AND SHOWED IT TO MY SPEECH AND DEBATE CLASS BACK IN 2023.

And yet.. Despite all of my efforts, nothing...

He doesn't care about me at all, so what's the point in idolizing him anymore..?

I just hope I get groomed so that I can find someone else to get attached to instead...

I wish he actually liked me...

hehe real

0 notes? Time to kms

10/10/2024

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Guess who just dropped out of intensive outpatient therapy!! /sarc

Okay but in all seriousness though, i fucking HATE intensive outpatient, why the fuck did I even agree to go?

OH WAIT! Because I can't see my main therapist everyday and I wanted to get the help I needed to not only try and be a better person in general, but to also learn how to cope with certain situations because everything's so damn overwhelming and the coping mechanisms I did try made me feel worse.

But instead I just got a bunch of condescending assholes who have no mental health experience whatsoever.

So, in intensive outpatient, we get to do this thing called "processing time", which is basically where you vent about your trauma to the whole group and the therapist can give advice for how to deal with it (eg: tips for dealing with boundary issues), and patients are allowed to give their own advice that they believe can be helpful in that moment.

The problem? I didn't get to do process time at all. Instead this kid named Skyler just hogged up all the processing time by talking about their family issues and ignoring any and all advice given to them (fuck you skyler btw, nobody fucking cares about how your sister is a violent little asshole.)

Also, the staff were so fucking condescending and rude to everyone in the group I was in, especially that one psych ed teacher we had today. She was complaining nonstop about "oh, i'm so tired of this job, this is all stupid bullshit" all while she was reading out the lesson for today, AND THEN SHE DISMISSED US EARLY BECAUSE "I'm done with this shit".

Literally the whole time all I could think was "shut up you annoying ass bitch I'm going to stab you if you don't shut the fuck up." and I was even contemplating dumping my *freshly made* hot cocoa all over her because she wouldn't shut her mouth.

If you're so sick of your job, then why not just find another one??? You're a fucking psych ed teacher for a pretty high level therapy program and you probably get paid a lot to do this shit and therefore have the privilege of finding another job.

OH! did forgot to mention that there also a lot of ableist jokes against autism being thrown around in process time today and everyday it was really loud and overstimulating and I wasn't allowed to have my headphones at all the whole time despite them knowing I'm autistic and deal with overstimulation.

And also someone got the whole group to gang up on another patient over some drama that happened between them, and he couldn't even speak up about it because "oh, she was just processing! you're invalidating her!" (and fyi, this was during the transition period between psych ed and processing, so no she was not processing). Man do I feel so bad for him, because he did not deserve that..

And just in general I was being completely ignored by everyone, getting interrupted and being told to be quiet because "they need to process and you're interrupting them." BITCH FUCK YOU, YOU'RE THE ONE INTERRUPTING THEM WITH STUPID AND OFF-TOPIC CONVERSATIONS, WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME TO SHUT UP???

So yeah, I dropped out after all that shit happened.

I fucking hate therapy so much, I had literally tried EVERYTHING and yet nothing got better. If anything, I actually feel so much worse and I became more toxic to the people around me as the years went by.

What's the point in even trying anymore if I'm never gonna get better in the first place??

I'm contemplating just quitting therapy in general and sticking to just mindlessly scrolling on the internet for the rest of my life, I'm fucking worthless anyway.

Fuck this, fuck therapy, fuck mental health, fuck it all. These fucking bitch asses do not know ANYTHING.

Oh, unrelated, but it's tony crynight's birthday, but I'm not gonna celebrate this year because I'm still in a split with him.

God I hate being mentally ill...

10/11/2024 - 10/12/2024, 12:20 AM

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You wanna know what's worse than being a sexual assault victim?

Having someone accuse you of being a sexual assault victim when you never had any sexual encounters with anyone in your lifetime (as least nothing physical)

Literally just a few minutes ago, I was getting ready for bed, and the cops came over to my house. At first I thought "oh shit, did a car crash happen" since it's pretty common for accidents to happen at the intersection near my house.

Turns out, someone saw my advertisement saying that I was looking for a relationship (I am still looking for a partner btw, please check out that post if anyone's interested), and got so mad at me wanting to be in a relationship that they reported me to the police telling them that I was assaulted.

I want to make it clear: I was never sexually assaulted, nor do I recall being groomed by any particular person. I am simply a very horny femcel who had unrestricted internet access as a kid. There is no need to call the fucking cops on my ass at 11pm on a friday night because you're mad that I actually want a partner.

I feel like the "anonymous" person who did this was an ex friend that I split from weeks ago because they got all pissy at my vent blog n shit.

So here's my little message to them since they seem to love stalking my account (very long read, sorry):

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Gerard, just leave me the fuck alone Already.

You already ruined what we had when you not only ignored me for SEVERAL MONTHS on end and ignored my every attempt to try and communicate with you in the way I knew how to, but you then only came to me to complain that I was showing mentally ill traits that i can NOT control and traits you KNEW came from years of trauma that distorted my perception of relationships to where I would be willing to put myself in harm's way just to feel loved, and when you reported me to the fucking police, you basically killed any hope of me rebuilding a relationship with you.

Something I learned is that when you finally grow from being a child into being a teen, friendships and connections are very important for your development, and since I was your mostly stereotypical SPED kid with little to no social experience, I never got that, and therefore I idolized every friend I ever had up until I was about 14 years old (and even then I still had a lot of trust in them because I was so dependent on them to keep myself from being isolated forever.)

I believed that you loved me and cared about me for years, when we hung out, it felt like I was in one of those beautiful slice-of-life animes where the main character is having the best experience they could ever have. I was happy. The only exception to that was when I first developed a crush on Skyler and therefore developed homicidal thoughts against you (I didn't know it wasn't normal until years later), but even then, she got me to open up to you and love you again.

And guess what you did?

you took that trust, the trust of a venerable person with no social skills, and you just threw it out the window, like it was never important to anyone. And that fucking hurts honestly.

If i'll be honest, if I really was groomed like you are having everyone believe, then you are the groomer. You did this to me.

Just admit what has been exposed already and what everyone knows: you do not care about me or my wellbeing, you NEVER cared at all now that I think about it, and if you think that I still care for you after what you done, oh boy are you delusional (and not in the mentally ill way either). I wouldn't care if you died atp, you mean nothing to me anymore. I do not love you. If anything, I hate you.

I know there is nothing I can say to change your mind on me, but honestly, I fucking hate you, and I should've never trusted you.

I hope you fucking rot in hell you asshole. Thanks to your dumbass, my whole family now thinks that someone raped me or some shit, and it's probably on my legal record now too.

Just block me already and never try to contact me. I never want to see you again.

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people when mentally ill person is acting like theyre mentally ill

I feel so fucking drained rn to the point my interests are becoming less interesting to me and all of my friends hate me and I'm so fucking insecure that it's killing me from the inside out.

i don't think I'll be able to have the energy to carry on with my life atp..

10/15/2024

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Today I went to Walmart with my mom to get some groceries, and while we were in the bakery section, I saw some really pretty flowers. Roses, sunflowers, I think a couple of lilacs.. Just beautiful ones.

I know I'm aromantic, but I really wish a boy bought me a bouquet of flowers to make me feel special. I wished they kissed me on the cheek too while they were at it.

Why can't I get that kind of love without something coming in and fucking it up?

god I hate being single....

Busquei aderir as leituras como uma terapia para meu controle de ansiedade, depressão e TPB... Gostei de me deleitar nos livros de @nicholassparks @nicholassparksfrases-blog @nicholassparkstrechos-blog

Mais uma nova leitura para finalizar a Semana...