I Dont Understand Why People Are So Meanand I Dont Know How To Survive In This WorldTrying To Get My

I don’t understand why people are so mean and I don’t know how to survive in this world Trying to get my head screwed on straight it can all be fine when I’m laughing in the car with you The music so loud, drive so fast you can’t hear your thoughts But then I crash and I’m tired and I lay in bed for days I need to rest I tell myself But rest is just a break from life They say I need to live, I need to be alive But I'm tired

I fear I’ll lose a central tenet of myself if I acclimate fully to the world I’m in

I used to be a smart girl Oh all the things you took away from me You beat me down til I barely had a brain And now I’m on all these meds And I’m just focused on surviving But I remember when I used to weave intricacies with my tongue And now it all feels forced; it all feels wrong Oh all the things you took away I used to think people were victims If they deigned to say they were stolen from But now I know just how easy a spirit can be taken Yeah you stole from me and now I’m trying to rebuild myself And I’m doing it better And it’s taking a whole lot of help But it doesn’t involve you Yeah I need nothing from you I just miss how I used to be smart girl I used to be a strong girl But somehow all you put me through left me weaker Now I’m a small girl Just like you wanted I miss how wide my mind used to be How specific I’d see Now I’m an average Jane Carved by an average joe I’ll get myself back But don’t know if I can say the same for you Because the truth is I have no idea who you are anymore And I don’t think you do too But I hope you get it together If not for my sake, for yours Yeah I hope you get it together And I’ll be a smart girl again I’ll be a smarter girl And I’ll stay far away from you

I want to feel powerful again.

I used to be a powerful girl. A hot girl. A confident girl.

Someone people looked up to and envied my confidence.

Now I’m just like the quintessential girl– anxious, meek, visibly insecure.

And now I’m even more like any other girl– I finally have an eating disorder. I wonder if every girl is just waiting for the time they’ll be sexually assaulted or get a legitimate eating disorder (not a weak half-eating disorder where you just kind of don’t eat enough or kind of eat too much).

It seems like a rite of passage into womanhood. Are you even a woman if you’re not insecure, have an eating disorder, are currently or previously in an abusive relationship, or have been sexually assaulted?

Or are you a mystical non-woman who actually, seriously, truly (not lying) is comfortable with herself and food is easy for her?

You’ll be admired but also kind of despised, because you’re so foreign and difficult to relate to and understand.

So far I’m still half-unicorn: I haven’t had any full-on sexual assaults. Semi-close calls, obviously. I mean come on. I’m a girl.

Weakling

I was a hopeless girl. I was romantic. I was pathetic. I wasn’t strong, cynical, sexual.

I was weak, unstable, desiring romance, desiring rest, shelter of a mans arms.

I wasn’t smart enough to be one of the cool ones, one of the ones who ‘got’ it. I was that girl feminists desperately wanted to not exist.

I saw men as stronger than women, and I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to be the less strong one.

I wanted to be taken care of. I wanted to take care of someone.

I wanted to be able to be gentle, to not have any bite in me. I wanted to be able to look in the eyes of every person with surrender and kindness, with no walls of proactive aggression.

I was unbalanced, unsuited for the world that required well roundedness, not just well-meaning kindness.

people saw me as weak, ditsy, not someone to be taken seriously.

I didn’t want to fight anymore. I wanted to rest. I wanted to have someone else do the fighting and just rest.

in short, I wanted to live in a fantasy.

I wanted to have one job: to love. to be loving. I didn’t want to protect myself anymore. I just wanted fun, adventure, laughter, sweetness, kindness.

I didn’t want to be cool, or smart, or wicked. the cool smart ones were rarely very nice.

the in crowd almost always required a cold callous detachment that I could never even feign to have.

I always cared too much about everything. I just wanted goodness, at no ones expense. I wanted everyone to feel included around me, and no one to feel sidelined.

but I hadn’t the tools to do it.

I wanted softness, roundness, no sharp edges. But I hadn’t the energy to manage it, to muster it up, to maintain it.

I wanted to float. I didn’t want to run into any blades that would pop my frail, thin exterior and bring me sharply down to reality, the ground.

the ground was too miserable, too dark, too bleak, too confusing.

I didn’t understand any of the goings-on of people.

it required so much to be a successful, respectable person, and I don’t think I had maybe 70% of those qualifications.

I was a weakling. I wanted to live in a pocket of secret sweetness, and hide from the world and its venom and vitriol.

I wanted a little world of my own.

I didn’t like the one I’d been born into.