Girlinwriting - Tumblr Blog

i've always felt like there was something wrong with me but now i wonder if i'm truly really broken if something separates me from the gleeful, easy laughs of strangers those that can get along with most anyone while my tongue slows to a halt and a stutter and stop i wonder if everything that’s happened has shattered everything easy about me and now i'm just hard. difficult and unyielding, too stiff to touch i wonder if this is what it means losing my innocence and if there’s any way i can get it back or i'm just mutilated, maimed from somebody’s else’s words

rage

What if I just accepted the sadness & found beauty here? Beauty is much easier to find around me than happiness. Finding beauty in the mundane, the normalities in this young war, this invisible battlefield is my shelter. I clutch my raft of soft grass & pillowy clouds & piercing trees as I’m carried through the choppy waters of constant embarrassment & the jostling fear that something is wrong with me. My drapey soft florals hold me and my silver bands keep me straight and hard.  I like to imagine that everyone is hiding under the beauty too.  Glitter sparkles, you just need your eyes to see it. You don’t have to be happy.

I used to be a smart girl Oh all the things you took away from me You beat me down til I barely had a brain And now I’m on all these meds And I’m just focused on surviving But I remember when I used to weave intricacies with my tongue And now it all feels forced; it all feels wrong Oh all the things you took away I used to think people were victims If they deigned to say they were stolen from But now I know just how easy a spirit can be taken Yeah you stole from me and now I’m trying to rebuild myself And I’m doing it better And it’s taking a whole lot of help But it doesn’t involve you Yeah I need nothing from you I just miss how I used to be smart girl I used to be a strong girl But somehow all you put me through left me weaker Now I’m a small girl Just like you wanted I miss how wide my mind used to be How specific I’d see Now I’m an average Jane Carved by an average joe I’ll get myself back But don’t know if I can say the same for you Because the truth is I have no idea who you are anymore And I don’t think you do too But I hope you get it together If not for my sake, for yours Yeah I hope you get it together And I’ll be a smart girl again I’ll be a smarter girl And I’ll stay far away from you

I found your hard edges eventually sharpened what I thought was indefinitely soft gave me fear in your eyes where I thought was only love I got to know the real you and now all I see is a stranger

I love you but all you know how to do is hurt me I can only love you from afar From the safety of my bed I can look at your picture Without you tangled up in my life I can love you With the peace of your absence I can love you I can feel your warmth when you are gone When you’re next to me all I feel are burns. When I am safe from you I can love you When you can’t spew your acid at me I can feel your soft edges And I can love you When I can’t feel you When I can’t know you When I can’t hear you When I can’t see you When you’re far enough away to wonder if you’re still real When I’m far enough out of reach that not even your thoughts can touch me When I can’t be your prey in any way When you can’t touch me I can love you

I want to feel powerful again.

I used to be a powerful girl. A hot girl. A confident girl.

Someone people looked up to and envied my confidence.

Now I’m just like the quintessential girl– anxious, meek, visibly insecure.

And now I’m even more like any other girl– I finally have an eating disorder. I wonder if every girl is just waiting for the time they’ll be sexually assaulted or get a legitimate eating disorder (not a weak half-eating disorder where you just kind of don’t eat enough or kind of eat too much).

It seems like a rite of passage into womanhood. Are you even a woman if you’re not insecure, have an eating disorder, are currently or previously in an abusive relationship, or have been sexually assaulted?

Or are you a mystical non-woman who actually, seriously, truly (not lying) is comfortable with herself and food is easy for her?

You’ll be admired but also kind of despised, because you’re so foreign and difficult to relate to and understand.

So far I’m still half-unicorn: I haven’t had any full-on sexual assaults. Semi-close calls, obviously. I mean come on. I’m a girl.

I wonder what it’s like to be normal If anyone normal really exists And if they do, what does it feel like? If it hurts less Or if they’re hollow on the inside Fitting in flawlessly with the world around them I’m dying to know If it’s worth it or if it means losing what’s inside me When I see a normal girl living a normal life I wonder if her insides are twisting like mine Or if she really is as glossy as she looks I’m dying to taste normal just for a second To see if it exists To see if it’s worth it Or if I’m better off Unclean

I fear I’ll lose a central tenet of myself if I acclimate fully to the world I’m in

Tried fitting into the world and I fell in Now I feel cheesy if I’m kind Don’t understand up or down when things hang from the floor If I’m myself will I be all alone? Does being myself mean by myself? I thought it was cool to love But I was the one that got picked on Now I pick scabs off those still on the outskirts I used to be the one bleeding Tried to fit in to the world and I fell in Oh how do I get out? How do I get myself back? The weirdo in the bathroom with a sandwich because I didn’t know how to be Tried fitting in and I fell in I fell in

emptiness

sinking swallowing me whole

is it bad that i like it

that i dont put up a fight

that its nice to finally lift my hands up and give up

give in to the sweet nothingness

float and wallow in it

let it hold my body weight

and hand over the keys so i can take a break

and watch as i cave in

I could be your lover Give you the kind of love you can’t find anywhere else This world doesn’t have what you’re looking for what you need But I’ve got it for you

I wish I could get back the me I was before you 

I want the dad back who picked me up from the school talent show and took me straight to Big Bear, pampering me with coloring books and hot baths.

Making me feel special inside, like I was in a different, more magical, sparkly world. Like everything was fun and tasted differently, because I was with him, and we were in the snow, in a little cabin.

Even just in his car on the way there I was the most special girl alive, the luckiest girl alive. He loved me. He liked me.

Enough to scoop me up and take me straight to fun.

Now my dad is dead, he’s full of gray, he’s never the same. He’s bitter where he used to be sweet. There’s dead ends where there used to be endless paths, escapades.

I don’t know if it’s my fault or his makeup. If it can’t be changed or if it’s because I changed, because I sullied it by growing up.

Where did I go wrong? Where did he start to change? When did he leave me, and become who he is now?

A cruel stranger, one who changes like the wind, one who I could never trust.

I always took morsels from men & treasured them like flecks of pure gold. They filled me up with the glittery golden liquid joy of being special, being wanted, being loved. I felt like a princess being bestowed with an effervescent tiara, perched on his lap.

I felt like I was temporarily lifted out of the gray, choppy waters of constant fear that something was wrong with me, the murky haze of sadness that didn't seem to have a beginning or an end. I felt sparkly and beautiful when I was blessed with morsels.

When he’d look at me under the moonlight, pressed up against his worn-out, faded blue car, & ask me “how are you so pretty?” I’d forget every hour he’s left my messages unresponded to. I was his special girl again. Nothing could ever be wrong. I know it sounds pathetic. But at that moment I had more than enough.

Went off the meds and went crazy for you Doing anything I could to fit in I have someone at home constantly looking for chinks in my armor I’d been immune to the world for so long Now it’s starting to seep in I’m not the princess of Bel air anymore I’m one of them Where’d my innocence go Are they happy now? Are you happy now Your princess’s dead She’s dead I look in the mirror and I see she’s gone

I might be sad forever  But I can find beauty here Why should I have to be happy to find beauty and love Maybe I can’t  I’m not going to wait around forever  Sadness can be beautiful Especially when you’re lying on soft grass  Under soft clouds pierced by stiff gristled trees Defiant of the gentle watercolor beauty  I’m going to decorate my sadness until it sparkles And maybe this glitter will gleam My glitter gleams because I kissed it I’m surrounded by this shimmering sea Floating along this river until it carries me away It will take me away

When you walk in a room you light the whole thing up Stomach sinking in a room full of people when you’re not there I miss you Don’t wanna be too clingy Don’t wanna smile at you too hard Wanna keep the balance right Not be weird But you’re the funnest person here It’s so dull when you’re gone Don’t be weird girl Feels like everyone hates me anyway But you look at me and I’m alright Do you know how special you are? How nervous you'd make me if you were a guy Feel safe when you’re there

I don’t understand why people are so mean and I don’t know how to survive in this world Trying to get my head screwed on straight it can all be fine when I’m laughing in the car with you The music so loud, drive so fast you can’t hear your thoughts But then I crash and I’m tired and I lay in bed for days I need to rest I tell myself But rest is just a break from life They say I need to live, I need to be alive But I'm tired

I’m always chasing chasing chasing the next thing Another friendship I thought would last swept right out from under my feet How can you fix what you don’t know is broken? Wish they could just be honest Wish I could just be honest without you leaving me too Maybe if I’m skinnier you’ll like me better And I can point my little nose in the air when you come crawling back with I’m sorry But maybe that’ll just be another something I chase That when I reach I realize I’ve never even changed Another thing that proves to add no color Another thing I thought would be the answer but there’s just no cure Jesus says he is the way the truth and the life I’ve only felt him once and when I did it was true But where did he go and what can I do When I’m with her and when I’m with you then I can taste the end Like I’ve made it But the other 99% I’m chasing and they’re chasing me too And neither of us can make it Neither of us can make it

Weakling

I was a hopeless girl. I was romantic. I was pathetic. I wasn’t strong, cynical, sexual.

I was weak, unstable, desiring romance, desiring rest, shelter of a mans arms.

I wasn’t smart enough to be one of the cool ones, one of the ones who ‘got’ it. I was that girl feminists desperately wanted to not exist.

I saw men as stronger than women, and I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to be the less strong one.

I wanted to be taken care of. I wanted to take care of someone.

I wanted to be able to be gentle, to not have any bite in me. I wanted to be able to look in the eyes of every person with surrender and kindness, with no walls of proactive aggression.

I was unbalanced, unsuited for the world that required well roundedness, not just well-meaning kindness.

people saw me as weak, ditsy, not someone to be taken seriously.

I didn’t want to fight anymore. I wanted to rest. I wanted to have someone else do the fighting and just rest.

in short, I wanted to live in a fantasy.

I wanted to have one job: to love. to be loving. I didn’t want to protect myself anymore. I just wanted fun, adventure, laughter, sweetness, kindness.

I didn’t want to be cool, or smart, or wicked. the cool smart ones were rarely very nice.

the in crowd almost always required a cold callous detachment that I could never even feign to have.

I always cared too much about everything. I just wanted goodness, at no ones expense. I wanted everyone to feel included around me, and no one to feel sidelined.

but I hadn’t the tools to do it.

I wanted softness, roundness, no sharp edges. But I hadn’t the energy to manage it, to muster it up, to maintain it.

I wanted to float. I didn’t want to run into any blades that would pop my frail, thin exterior and bring me sharply down to reality, the ground.

the ground was too miserable, too dark, too bleak, too confusing.

I didn’t understand any of the goings-on of people.

it required so much to be a successful, respectable person, and I don’t think I had maybe 70% of those qualifications.

I was a weakling. I wanted to live in a pocket of secret sweetness, and hide from the world and its venom and vitriol.

I wanted a little world of my own.

I didn’t like the one I’d been born into.