Someone's Beginning Is Someone's Ending.

Someone's beginning is someone's ending.

(Love Rain)

Day 101: a disgrace in the family

What should I do if I keep messing up my life?

When am I going to learn?

How am I going to pay back all their sacrifices for me?

I've been so selfish.

I've waited too long.

I never learn.

I always feel sorry but I never did anything to correct it.

Husto lang ako sa salita. I can't even prove anything to them.

Magaling ako sa pagyayabang.

I can only disappoint them. I can never meet their expectations.

I am a failure.

Day138: sadness after having so much fun

Actually, i'm not surprised at all that this is happening. It always happen to me. It feels like this is always expected to happen. After being happy, expect i'll be crying and too sensitive the next day... After having so much fun last weekend like twas the best thing that ever happened to me since i lost Umpe... Here i am now, feeling so lonely & unloved. Drama queen? I don't think so. I think i have a reason to be like this right now. I mean who would be happy if the people you expect to be proud and happy for you does not even show any concern at all. Hah i guess this is what i deserve. I've been the worse person ever. I am so ungrateful. I am so worthless. Hah i really deserve to be treated like this. No one even likes me. Even my family and the people i call my 'friends'. They only see me whenever they need something or whenever i do something that displeased them. I hope i am the only person in this world who feels this way. It is so awful i don't even want to imagine another human being being treated like a crap. No one deserves to feel unloved. If i could just runaway to a very very far place, i would. I just want to disappear from the lives of these people i treat special. I bet we will all feel at ease. Coz i know i am a heavy burden to their lives. I bet they are wishing the same thing too. I feel sorry that i hafta be part of their lives. I really am sorry. One day, i'll leave them alone. I'll go to a very far away place that way i wouldn't have to disturb them and be a burden. I will disappear in their lives... I promise.

My mommy is sitting next to me...

her back facing me. All i want to do is to hug her. Ask her to tell me i can do it. But i can't. I'm afraid she'll see me crumbling in front of her... I'm afraid she'll know that i am hurting... that i am losing hope... that i am scared to face the reality... that i am a failure. I do not want to hurt her again. She does not deserve a daughter like me. I do not want to see her disappointed again. Ma, sorry po. I'm trying my best naman... pero may times na parang di ko na po kaya eh. "Ma, can i ask for a hug next time?? Can you hug me really tight? Can you stay with me til i feel better? Ma, i love you po..." these are the words i want to tell to my mommy right now.

i wanna fall in love!

woah this feeling of wanting to fall in love is making a comeback again!?! *sigh* how i wish it'll be that easy but i guess it is still not the right time for me. God has a better plan for me. oh dear, i prolly stop thinking abt love and listening to any love songs just so i can stay patient while waiting. *tortures self*

I was watching today's episode of Showtime. And this grandmother touched the hearts of the audience in the studio. I will not deny it but I was touched too. Somehow, her presence and story of life reminds me of my own grandmother... I agree when she said that we should love, respect, and give thanks to our grandparents and parents. Their love is precious and no money can buy it. I regret that I was not able to give thanks to Umpe. I failed to make her happy. And for that, I am truly sorry, Umpe ko. I will regret it all my life. I wish I get to spend more time with her. It's too late now but I still want to say "thank you, Umpe" over and over again. I guess whenever i see grandmothers, it will constantly remind me of your love for me and the precious moments we spent together. I promise you that I'll always treasure all the things you've taught me. I'll try my best to make you proud of me. To my dearest Umpe, I love you, Umpe ko. I am always thinking of you. I hope you are enjoying yourself up there. Go make some bbq for the angels and saints up there. Make me proud! I miss you so much. Xoxo