Until When Do I Have To Fake A Smile When We All Know I Can't Do It Anymore?

until when do i have to fake a smile when we all know i can't do it anymore?

FML! i never thought this day will come. it is so depressing and heart breaking. i feel so lonely and so weak. it seems like i spend my time everyday crying and zoning out. whenever i get a chance to laugh, i feel so guilty coz i know she isn't happy today. i try to not make my family worried about me. i try to smile, yes a fake smile, a smile without a meaning... but it is the best that i can offer to them as of now. i try my best to look happy in front of them. i try not to let a single drop of tear fall from my eyes... i guess it is working. 

but what about when i am alone? when i am all by myself? 

i still try to hold back my tear. i still try not let a muffle of cry escape from me. i try my hardest to be and to act strong even if no one is watching... even if i am all by myself... even if no one can hear me or see me.

right now, i am really scared. i don't want my worse fear to happen at all. i don't want to lose any of my loved ones. i don't want any of them to feel any pain. i don't want any of them to suffer. i am so scared of what tomorrow has to offer to me. if i can stop the time, i would definitely do it.

i can't always put on a fake smile. and tonight, i asked myself until when am i gonna put on this smile? i am on the point right now where i am so confused, so hopeless, so weak and ready to cry my heart out. but i can't. i can't coz i don't have any right to cry, to be weak and to feel relieved.

until when do i have to fake my smile?

Day18 of this battle: talking abt it only breaks my heart.

I started talking abt what i feel abt the situation right now and still, it breaks my heart. I try not to let any tears fall coz i dont want them to see how bad & weak i am feeling right now. I am still in the state of shock and just as what my kuya said earlier... my emotions are still high. It's true. I am still in the verge of tears whenever i am alone, i am thinking, or whenever i am not doing anything. And as much as i want to focus on what is happening at tge moment, i can't help but missed out something. It feels like i am not myself. It's crazy coz my attention just shuts off and i keep zoning out. And before i went to bed, i learned that Umpe is nanghihina daw. Nagsuka sya. Ang sakit malaman na wala akong magawa for her. Tawa ako ng tawa kanina, smile ng smile, salita ng salita nung nasa school and after school. Pero ang Umpe ko masama na pala ang lasa. Ang sakit kasi hindi ko alam kung anu na tlga ang nangyayari. Everytime na i try to get on track, some unwanted stuff comes up. All i am asking lang naman is for Umpe to get better and be healthy again. I know i am asking for too much. But i swear, she doesnt deserve this illness. She deserves to live longer and happier. Please God, wag nio pa hayaang manghina ang Umpe. Tulungan nio po sya. Make her stronger and healthier. Please be with her. Please send the Holy Spirit and some angels next to her para po hindi sya mahirapan. Please make her better. Please dear God. Umpe, be strong! I love you and I will continue praying for you. Kukulitin ko si God na pagalingin ka nya. I love you Umpe ko, always and forever.

People aren't born knowing everything. I just need to learn.

Park Tae Hee (What's Up?!)

Day 43 of this battle: i'm praying for her fast recovery.

I just got the news that Umpe had her surgery. Now, i know why i was feeling so uneasy last night. I just hope everything went well for her and sana she'll have a fast recovery. Ninang Carol told me she had a fever last night. Nanginginig pa nga daw ang Umpe eh. Hay kelan kaya aayos ang lahat? She does not deserve all of this! Sana Umpe is doing and feeling better na. I trust my mom and i believe they are doing all their best to make Umpe feel better amd comfortable. Sana. Sana. God, Kayo na po bahala magpagaling sa Umpe. Huwag nyo po sya hahayaang magsuffer. Pabilisin nyo po ang recovery nya. Let her know na mahal na mahal ko sya. And i would really love to be by her side right now. Paramdam nyo po sa Umpe na nag-woworry ako sa knya pra magpagaling agad sya. Paramdam nyo din po sa knya na gusto ko tlga xang gumaling agad at makita ulit sya na healthy. Mahal na mahal ko po ang Umpe. Gusto ko lng nman po eh ung makabubuti sa knya. God, heal her agad and kunh may sakit man syang nararamdaman ipasa nyo na lang po sa akin ng mabawasan ung suffering nya. God, kayo muna po bahala sa Umpe ko ha. Umpe, pagaling ka kaagad! Palakas ka and be healthy! Mahal na mahal kita! Magkikita din tayo.

Day31 of this battle: Mom is flying!

It has been almost a month now. I have no news about Umpe for a week now. I believe I chose not to ask too because I was afraid to know what is really going on. I busied myself with my homework and helping mom packed her things. I guess it was a breather for me too. But now i feel guilty. I wanna call and ask how she's doing. I wanna hear that she's doing a lot better now though i know it is not like that... Good thing my mom is on her way to Batangas now. This gives me a sigh of relief and makes me worry less for Umpe's condition. I know mommy's gonna do everything for her. I believe my mommy. I bet she's currently up in the clouds somewhere above the Pacific Ocean... I can't help but to get excited for her. She's finally going to see everyone after four long years. She will finally get to hug UMPE!!! I wonder if mommy's as excited as I am... How i wish i was next to her so i can hold her hand and tell her to be strong and it will be okay. I know this trip will cause a lot of tears and hurtful memories not only to mommy but also to UMPE. I believe mommy is going to break the news to her so she can get the surgery to remove the big lump on her colon. I wish UMPE will be okay and will allow mommy to help her through this battle. I hope she'll decide to fight and win over this. I am just giving it all up to GOD and praying He will stay by their side all the time, provide them the strength they'll be needing and a miracle for UMPE to stay healthy and happy again. Mommy, please make Umpe happy when you get there. Pleasw hug her for me to let her know how much i love her and i miss her. Please give Umpe a great memory she deserves. Lastly, please take good care of her while you are there... I love you both! *kisses*

i thought i was the last man, woman in my case, standing.

out of all four of us here, i thought i will be the one who's going to just let this day passed by. out of all four of us, i thought they will be more eager to talk to her. but they all ended up sleeping. they must be really tired from today's busy life. but i sort of disappointed that they did not even wait for a little longer. at the same time, i feel stupid and unwanted for waiting. i guess i am waiting for nothing. hindi ko lang alam kung sipsip lang ba o tanga lang ako talaga. hahaha nag-aantay ako sa wala. kahit nga siguro tadhana tinatwanan na ako ngayon. para kasi akong tanga na sobrang excited to talk to her pero hindi naman mangyariyari. siguro hindi rin nya ako gusto makausap. ansakit lang eh. alam mo yun. yung feeling na unwanted ka. o siguro madrama lang ako today at na mimisunderstood ko ang mga bagay bagay. ah ewan. Tanga nga kasi AKO!