Until When Do I Have To Fake A Smile When We All Know I Can't Do It Anymore?

until when do i have to fake a smile when we all know i can't do it anymore?

FML! i never thought this day will come. it is so depressing and heart breaking. i feel so lonely and so weak. it seems like i spend my time everyday crying and zoning out. whenever i get a chance to laugh, i feel so guilty coz i know she isn't happy today. i try to not make my family worried about me. i try to smile, yes a fake smile, a smile without a meaning... but it is the best that i can offer to them as of now. i try my best to look happy in front of them. i try not to let a single drop of tear fall from my eyes... i guess it is working. 

but what about when i am alone? when i am all by myself? 

i still try to hold back my tear. i still try not let a muffle of cry escape from me. i try my hardest to be and to act strong even if no one is watching... even if i am all by myself... even if no one can hear me or see me.

right now, i am really scared. i don't want my worse fear to happen at all. i don't want to lose any of my loved ones. i don't want any of them to feel any pain. i don't want any of them to suffer. i am so scared of what tomorrow has to offer to me. if i can stop the time, i would definitely do it.

i can't always put on a fake smile. and tonight, i asked myself until when am i gonna put on this smile? i am on the point right now where i am so confused, so hopeless, so weak and ready to cry my heart out. but i can't. i can't coz i don't have any right to cry, to be weak and to feel relieved.

until when do i have to fake my smile?

It hurts so much to know that I can't do anything for you...

I wish there's someone who can comfort me right now and tell me that this is not really happening. It breaks my heart to know that we are going through this hard times and the only thing i do is cry about it.

minsan sinasabi ko na lang sa sarili ko na strong akong tao at malalampasan ko ito. kaya lang minsan di na umeepekto eh. ganun ata talaga.

walang taong strong pag dating sa taong pinakakamahal mo lalo na kung siya ang mundo mo and he/she means everything to you.

i thought i was the last man, woman in my case, standing.

out of all four of us here, i thought i will be the one who's going to just let this day passed by. out of all four of us, i thought they will be more eager to talk to her. but they all ended up sleeping. they must be really tired from today's busy life. but i sort of disappointed that they did not even wait for a little longer. at the same time, i feel stupid and unwanted for waiting. i guess i am waiting for nothing. hindi ko lang alam kung sipsip lang ba o tanga lang ako talaga. hahaha nag-aantay ako sa wala. kahit nga siguro tadhana tinatwanan na ako ngayon. para kasi akong tanga na sobrang excited to talk to her pero hindi naman mangyariyari. siguro hindi rin nya ako gusto makausap. ansakit lang eh. alam mo yun. yung feeling na unwanted ka. o siguro madrama lang ako today at na mimisunderstood ko ang mga bagay bagay. ah ewan. Tanga nga kasi AKO!

People aren't born knowing everything. I just need to learn.

Park Tae Hee (What's Up?!)

Day46 of this battle: i am all alone now.

She left me. She left me. She left me. It is so unfair! I wish everything did not happened. It is all too much. I do not know if i can still make it because the only person who loves me left me. I will never get to see her, talk to her, hug her, kiss her. She didn't me a chance to let her know how much i love her. She left me. I wasn't able to tell her that i miss her so much and that i really love her. I wasn't able to see her for the last time. I wasn't to say my sorry. She left me. I am so afraid right now. I do not know what i should do now. I only want to be with her. I wanna go to Philippines right now. I want to bring stop the time andgo back to the past when we were still together. Unlike now, there is nothing left for me. She left me. I still have a lot of things to tell her. I still have plans i want to do to make her happy. I still want to see her, hear her laugh or even yell at me, talk to her before we sleep, eat her food, feel how much she loves me. But i don't think it is still possible. She left me now. I am alone now. We lost her battle. I am so angry at myself for not being there for her until the last time. I am so useless. I hate myself for not doing anything for her. What's the use of crying if i can't see her anymore?! What is the meaning of living this life when the reason is already gone? Tell me what i should do after this. What should i do when she left me already???