9-1-1 Lone Star Masterlist

9-1-1 Lone Star Masterlist

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- Soon You’ll Get Better

- Happier Than Ever

Get Out Of Here (Not Without You)

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Prompt - “I need you to trust me, there’s no time to explain,  just do everything I say and you’ll be safe.”

When you had first moved to Boston you knew then and there you knew your life would change, accepted into one of the top schools on a full ride scholarship, leaving your small town behind and being the first in your family to make such a huge decision. Of course you hadn’t quite expected how drastically your life would change, you hadn’t expected to be sat in your dorm room working on a paper that seemed so important at the time listening to soft music in the background before the radio to cut out abruptly with an emergency broadcast telling you to stay inside, hadn’t expected the flat hum of the phone as it refused to dial any number.

You still remembered those early days, sitting alone in your dorm room with no information on what was happening. You remembered the first bomb dropping, remembered how, even though it was far away, your whole room seemed to shake and you stood from your bed abruptly to run over to your window just in time to see the next bomb. You still didn’t know how you’d survived that but eventually you had to leave your room and that’s when you saw them, or more realistically it saw you first, its head cracking over in your direction before the rest of its body followed and you ran until your chest hurt.

You’d gotten lucky, you’d found one of the quarantine zones in the first month of the government having set them up, you’d been in here long enough to hear people’s horror stories of having to walk for miles, days on end, just to get here, heard how they had narrowly escaped the clickers. You’d only ever seen a handful of them and that had been in the first month of the outbreak, you couldn’t even imagine how they had evolved in the many, many years you’d been in these walls.

It seemed strange at first, hell sometimes it still felt strange, how the world in these walls never seemed to change. Here you were with jobs that provided ration cards, an apartment, if it weren’t for all the guards it’d be easy to forget about the outbreak.

Sometimes you were curious though, you’d stop counting how many years it had been since you first walked into the quarantine zone but it was long enough for you to forget what the outside world looked like. You’d heard stories about what they called the Open City but each one was even more unbelievable than the last, headless clicker roaming the streets, dead that had been set on fire still moving, hordes of them attached to each other as they made their way through the city.

You wanted to go outside, it’s not like you wanted to go very far either but it’d be good to remember what the old world looked like, to remember that beyond these worlds you once had a life, a life that was so different from this.

You had a gun stashed away underneath your floorboards, you remembered how fast the dead things moved all those years ago but it was a risk you wanted to take and there was only one person in the quarantine zone you knew that snuck in and out.

“Joel-” You started to argue but he cut you off before you could even begin.

“Don’t.” Joel said, shutting you down immediately, not even entertaining the idea for a second. “What makes you think I’d ever say yes to takin’ you out there?”

“I’d be with you, Joel, I’d be safe.” You insisted and watched as his face hardened and somehow felt like you’d said the complete wrong thing.

“I can’t keep you safe, Y/N! When I go out there I don’t have to give a damn about anyone else, if I take you out there-” Joel cut himself off as he sat heavily on the sofa and glared at you. “Don’t ask me again.”

“But Joel-” You tried again only to be cut off for a second time.

“What did I just say?” He snapped and you rolled your eyes as you sat down next to him, arms crossed over your chest and definitely not pouting. “Why you so desperate to get yourself killed anyway?”

“Why are you so damn sure I'll get myself killed?” You shot back before sighing and sinking further into the sofa. “I just, I don’t know, ok? Part of me just needs to see the outside world, it’s been so long. I know it’s dangerous, trust me I get it-”

“You don’t get it, Y/N/N.” Joel interrupted you again but this time his voice was softer as he leaned back into the cushions and turned his head towards. “There’s shit out there you don’t need to see, alright?”

“I wanna go outside, Joel.” You told him, lowering your voice to match his, not demanding anything but just repeating it. “I know it’s dangerous and I know I’m asking you to risk a lot but I really want to see outside the walls at least once more in my life.”

“There’s nothing good out there, not anymore.” Joel told you honestly and you nodded, you believed him, the second those bombs fell from the sky it felt like everything good had been taken with them. “You’re safe in here, Y/N, just…just stay in the walls.”

Despite Joel’s warnings you found yourself only a few nights later waiting until the guards’ shifted positions before you were sneaking out, knowing the way through information Joel had let slip across the years. It took a long time, there were a few close calls where you had to be as quiet as possible, but eventually you could see an opening to the city.

By the time you were out of view of the quarantine zone it was too dark to see much of anything, a strange feeling when years ago you had walked Boston’s streets at all hours of night and the streets had been lit up from streetlights, the lights from cars still out at that time, lights spilling out of bars and apartments.

The first thing you noticed was how quiet it was, the stories you’d heard made it seem like the streets would be filled with monsters, you unable to move past them, but the streets sounded empty and so did the building you entered, you weren’t sure how well you’d sleep out in the open city but you were going to hide away until the morning and explore as much as you could before sneaking back into the quarantine zone.

It was surprisingly easy to fall asleep that night and when you woke up the next morning to the sunlight on your face you felt a burst of excitement. Last night it had been far too dark to see anything and you knew you only had a few hours of daylight. It wasn’t long before you were up, double checking your backpack and making sure your gun was loaded before you were pulling the door open, waiting a moment to see if you could hear anything, and heading out into the city.

You paused in the doorway of whatever building you had entered last night and stared out, frozen in disbelief. Skyscrapers had collapsed, some falling into each other whereas others had crumbled into piles of rubble. Greenery covered almost everything in sight and you couldn’t help but notice how the world had never seemed so green before the outbreak, maybe you just couldn’t remember but the city had never felt so full of nature.

As you walked further into the city you saw all the cars, ambulances, police cars, all of them dusty and long since dead, covered with leaves and moss. Your stomach turned as you saw a stuffed bear laying abandoned on the floor, looking up to see a kid’s car seat bloody in the car. You forced your feet to move, surprised at how easy it was to walk through the city, there wasn’t a clicker in sight, you’d been walking for a good hour, making your way through streets and buildings to get to the other side when the way was blocked and other than seeing dead bodies you hadn’t seen much else.

You finally came across a building you remembered, it was the library. In the year you’d lived in Boston you had practically lived in this building, could still remember the text books littering your table as you wrote your papers. To see it now was strange, it was long abandoned and the building had its fair share of greenery growing around it.

You hadn’t even taken five steps into the building, eyes wide as you looked around, when you let out a scream, the sound muffled as a hand wrapped around your mouth and an arm wrapped around your middle, trapping both your arms to your side and stopping you from getting your gun.

“And you're dead.” You heard a voice hiss in your ear before you were shoved away, barely staying upright as you stumbled and turned around.

Joel was stood before you, gun slung around his shoulders as he glared at you and you glared right back even as your breath came out quick and fast and your heart felt like it was going to beat out of your chest.

“What the hell Joel?” You shouted, stepping forward to push at his chest but he caught your wrist and pulled you close.

“Me?” He questioned in disbelief and tightened his grip as you tried to pull away. “What the hell are you thinking? Clearly you’re not! Jesus Y/N, you could’ve got yourself killed.”

“I asked you to bring me and you didn’t-”

“Don’t you dare put this on me.” Joel told you, his voice cold as he continued to glare at you. “If you die, that shit ain’t on me.”

You knew Joel was only shutting down on you because you had scared him, he liked to think he had his walls up but you’d known him for years at this point and you could read him as easily as you could your favourite book.

Joel hadn’t exactly been looking for friends when you’d met him working the same job but you had been persistent and before he knew it you had wormed your way into his life, even after he swore not to let anyone else in, he couldn’t go through another heartache. At first he kept his distance, refused to answer any questions about his life before but eventually he started letting you in, there was still a lot you didn’t know about his life before but then again the people you were before the outbreak were whole different people so you didn’t mind.

At some point it became second nature to spend all your time with Joel, it was rare to see you without each other and you weren’t surprised when you started liking the man. Joel had been cold and gruff when you had first met him, most people took one look at the man and decided it wasn’t worth the energy it would take to break through that hardened exterior but you hadn’t even given it a second thought, hadn’t been concerned with how long it’d take him to relax around you, you liked cold Joel, he snapped and glared but you liked him.

“Joel,” You began, bringing your other hand up to his, brushing your thumb across his knuckles before pulling his fingers off your wrist, Joel not resisting and you figured maybe he was calming down now that he had you in his sights. “I’m sorry, ok? I know this isn’t a game, I know it’s dangerous but I had to see.”

“Yeah I know you did.” Joel sighed and brought his hand back up to cup the back of your head as he pulled you into his chest and you didn’t hesitate to cuddle into him, finally feeling your heart rate settle. “Is it what you thought it’d be?”

“It’s quieter than I thought,” you told him, pulling back only far enough so that you look up at him questioningly. “It’s weird too, I remember the streets were never quiet and now it’s deadly silent. I remember being in here during exam season and every seat was filled, even if people didn’t speak there was always noise, the turning of a book, somebody coughing, the scratching of pen against paper. The world really ended Joel.”

“You’re alright.” Joel assured as he pulled you back into his chest, wrapping his other arm around your shoulder and it was only then you noticed the tears slipping down your cheeks. It had hit you long ago, the reality of the world, but seeing it again after years of comfortable living seemed to shake you more than you thought it would. “You’re alright, Y/N/N.”

You nodded against his chest and wrapped your arms around his waist, taking a deep breath as you composed yourself. It wasn’t long before you were pulling back and looking around the library. Chairs and tables had been flipped, books and loose pages scattered across the floor whilst leaves and moss covered most of the surfaces.

“We should go.” Joel murmured but you shook your head, turning to look back at him with pleading eyes and he sighed before you could even speak. “One look around and then we go, stay close to me.”

“Thank you, Joel.” You said softly after a moment of silence and watched as he swallowed before he nodded at you and gestured for you to follow him.

Your fingers lightly traced the book shelves, somehow even after twenty years you were still able to find your way around, old, worn signs telling you you had remembered right.

“I used to study back here all the time, me and my friends would work on our papers and prepare for finals.” You told Joel and out of the corner of your eyes you saw him smile softly at you. “Back then it had seemed so important, you know? Like passing those exams or getting the best marks on our papers was the difference between life and death.” You chuckled as you ran your hands along a chair. “God, looking back now we were so stupid.”

“Nobody knew this shit was comin’.” Joel told you and you nodded, looking over at him to see him leant against a bookcase that looked ready to give out.

“It doesn’t even seem real, that life all those years ago.” You frowned as you moved around the table to go down another aisle and Joel nodded, opening his mouth to say something else before you interrupted.

“Oh my god!” You exclaimed, stumbling back into Joel’s chest and he didn’t hesitate to shove you behind him, gun raised before he saw a body on the floor, blood covering him and his chest practically torn apart. “What the hell-”

“Shh.” Joel shushed you, turning around to face you even as his wide eyes focused on everything but you, like he was looking for something.

“Joel-” You whispered but he shushed you again and you felt genuine fear fill you, your stomach dropped and you blood ran cold as you went to look around but Joel stopped you.

“Eyes on me, baby.” He murmured, keeping his voice soft and low, barely audible and you didn’t even have time to appreciate how good him calling you baby sounded as you took a deep breath and turned back to Joel with wide, scared eyes. “I need you to trust me, there’s no time to explain, just do everything I say and you’ll be safe.”

“Joel,” You whimpered and Joel cupped your cheek, bringing your foreheads together as he shushed you once more.

“I know you’re scared, baby, I know,” Joel whispered and you felt your eyes fill with tears. Joel was looking back at you and though he tried to hide it you could see he was scared and if something scared Joel you knew it had to be bad. “We have to be silent now, no more talking, trust me, I’m gonna get you home.”

You nodded and Joel wiped away the single tear that slid down your cheek, before he placed a soft kiss to your forehead and pulled away.

‘Stay behind me.’ Joel mouthed at you and you nodded, practically gluing yourself to his back as he moved, both of you stopping dead in your tracks as an inhuman sound came from behind one of the book cases. You felt your heart stutter as you looked at Joel but his focus was on the direction the noise came from before he turned to look at you.

‘Quiet.’ He reminded you and you nodded, biting your lip hard enough to draw blood to stop any sound from escaping. He tilted his head and you nodded again, keeping half a step behind him as you held your breath.

Just as you turned a corner you gasped but Joel turned and managed to cover your mouth just in time like he had been expecting the reaction. In front of you was, you couldn’t even describe it, it was monstrous, how that had once been human was mind blowing. Tears slid down your cheeks as Joel kept your mouth covered and the thing made its way towards the two of you causing you to screw your eyes shut.

You looked up at Joel when he tapped your cheek and Joel made a gesture where he pointed towards the clicker before he covered his eyes and mouthed ‘they can’t see’ before pointing to his ear ‘they go off sound’. You nodded and Joel removed his hand, watching how your face scrunched up in an effort to slow the tears and suppress any sobs.

He had to get you out of here, it was the only thought in his head as he kept himself between you and the clicker, making sure each step was silent. You’d managed a good few steps before the thing stopped dead in its tracks and turned sharply to face you and you couldn’t stop the sharp intake of breath, that was enough for the thing to launch itself at the two of you.

Joel barely caught it, keeping his arm under its chin to avoid being bitten as he tried to get a good shot on his gun whilst also keeping one eye on you.

“Get out of here!” He yelled at you and he could see you frozen in fear. “Y/N, baby, you gotta go now!”

“I can’t leave you!” You called back and the clicker responded to the noise, trying to fight its way to you but Joel kept his grip on it somehow.

“Y/N I promise I’ll be right behind you!” He grunted as he tried to force the clicker back. “You gotta go!”

You waited another second before nodding and he watched you go with a sigh of relief, finally able to throw the clicker to the side. It only stayed on the floor for a second before it snapped back up and lunged at Joel.

Joel shot at it four times, each time missing its head with how much it was moving. Joel managed to shove it back down on the floor and shoot its chest before running the way you had gone, hiding behind one of the book cases and keeping as silent as possible. In the distance he saw you crouched behind one of the tables and took a silent breath as he peered around to see where the clicker was, the thing was up again and moving through the aisles, thankfully going the other way.

Joel stayed silent as he made his way over to you and saw you with your knees drawn to your chest and your eyes screwed shut. He lightly touched your knee and silently shushed you as your eyes flew open.

He pointed to where the clicker had walked off to and saw the gun clutched in your hands, gently prying it from you and seeing how much ammo you had.

‘You, go out the door, wait.’ He mouthed to you, motioning between you and the door before he watched as you shook your head. He nodded back at you before pointing to himself, raising the two guns he held. ‘I’ll distract it, you go.’

‘Joel,’ you mouthed and he could practically hear your pleading town as more tears slid down your cheeks. ‘I’m sorry.’

Joel just shook his head, you weren’t doing this now, right now he had to get you out of here and then he would deal with everything else. You weren’t going to die today, he wouldn’t let it happen.

‘Go baby.’ He mouthed and gestured for the door, watching as you took a breath, your mouth thinning into a line as you choked back sobs before you nodded at him. He cupped your cheek and you brought your hand up to his, hesitating for a moment before leaning forward.

It wasn’t exactly a kiss, both of you were too focused on being silent for it to be more than a brushing of your lips together but Joel pulled you closer anyway and held you against him for a second longer before he pulled back and brushed his thumb across your cheek bone.

‘Go.’ He mouthed again and this time you nodded more confidently as you stood silently and Joel followed after you, the two of you parting ways so Joel could grab the clicker before it got to you.

He knew how fast these things moved and if he had gone with you the door wouldn’t have even been able to open before it was attacking you, at least this way he could be sure you were out of the door and far away from this damn thing.

The two of you looked at each other and Joel nodded at you, he watched you take a breath before your hand touch the door knob and turned it, the sound causing the clicker to let out a loud noise that had Joel lunging for it before it could take more than a step in your direction. He wrestled the thing, trying to shove it as far away from the door as possible and out of the corner of his eye he watched as you left, finally able to breathe a sigh of relief as he focused on the clicker.

It felt like hours before Joel managed to shove it to the floor, sweat pooling at his forehead as he shot both guns, using up all the rounds before he watched the thing finally lay lifeless, not movements coming from it. He took a moment to lean against the wall and catch his breath before he turned his head to the door.

After a few more seconds he made his way out of the building and scanned the area for you, frowning when he didn’t see you but the frown left as you peaked your head out from behind a car. In a few large steps Joel was pulling you into his chest and you were sobbing as you held onto him like he was your life line.

Joel’s hand rested on the back of your head as he held you up, his arms holding you close to him and he could feel your fingers digging into his back as you choked out apologies. Joel just kept shushing you as you continued to apologise, he knew he needed to move the two of you, he had no ammo left and the dark was starting to set in but he wanted to make sure you were ok first.

“Hey,” Joel said, pulling back and tilting your chin so you could look at him, he didn’t speak as he wiped gently at your cheeks, leaving his hands there as he spoke. “You have nothing to apologise for, alright? You needed to see for yourself what it was like out here, I get it Y/N/N, I do but you’re alright, I promise.”

“I should’ve listened to you Joel.” You sniffed and he smiled softly at you.

“You got an idea in your head, I should’ve known there was no stopping you.” He said and you let out a wet chuckle. “I’m not mad at you, we’re both alright.” Those words made your eyes widen and you pulled back abruptly causing him to frown.

“Are you?” You asked, tugging his sleeves up and inspecting it for bites before moving the collar of his shirt and checking there too. Joel chuckled as he caught your wrists in his hands, more gently than he had earlier and shushed you.

“I’m okay, promise.” He told you and your eyes ran up and down him before you sagged in relief, trusting that he’d tell you if he wasn’t. “Now will you please let me get you home?”

“Please.” You practically begged and Joel smiled softly at you before gesturing for you to follow him though there was no need to really, Joel’s arm was still wrapped around your shoulder and you had practically attached yourself to his side.

It was well into the night by the time the two of you got home, having Joel with you made it easier to sneak in and it wasn’t long before you were quietly entering his apartment. The walk home had been mostly silent, your thoughts running a mile a minute and Joel content with the silence and the feeling of you in his arms to tell him you were ok, that you were alive.

“Go clean up and change.” Joel told you as he closed the door and set his backpack down before moving to take yours off for you and then gently pulling your jacket off.

You didn’t say anything, just smiled over at him before moving into his bedroom and pulling out one of his shirts before shuffling into the bathroom. It was only a few moments later he heard the shower running and let himself collapse into the sofa, suddenly feeling drained now that he had gotten you back to safety.

He knew you were too damn curious for your own good, knew that you needed to see the world for yourself. He should have known you’d have gone out there with or without him, hell some part of him had known and that’s why he checked your apartment at five in the morning before marching back to his room and packing his gun, desperately hoping you hadn’t gone and got yourself killed.

Any of the initial anger he had felt seeing you gone had worn off long before he found you and now he could only feel relief. He knew you were terrified, the last time you had seen clickers up close was when the outbreak started, you’d told him about the bombs in the city and being scared at how fast the things were but this was different, this was twenty years of evolution.

Joel sighed and lay down on the sofa, throwing an arm over his eyes. You were fine, the clicker hadn’t gotten near you and he had got you home safe. He could hear the shower running and knew you’d be out any minute, dressed in his shirt and ready to fall asleep in his arms.

That thought sent his mind back to the kiss. God, it hadn’t even been more than a small brushing of the lips but God, it had left him breathless. He knew you liked him, he wasn’t stupid. At this point you had practically moved into his apartment, the two of you spent more nights asleep together in his bed than you’d slept in your own bed since being here. He just couldn’t put himself in a position to get hurt again but today had shown him how even if he went the rest of his life without telling you how he felt he knew if anything happened to you it’d kill him, so why not at least make the most of the time he had with you.

He didn’t mean to drift off, one second he was just resting his eyes and the next he was blinking awake when he felt something shift next to him. He forced his eyes open and looked down to see you had pushed yourself into the small space between him and the sofa, your body more on him really, and a blanket thrown over the two of you. Your hand gently ran across his chest before you lay it flat against him and cuddled into him.

Joel brought his arm around you and you glanced up at him with tired eyes but still smiled at him and he couldn’t help but return the gesture before he placed a soft kiss to your head.

“Go to sleep, baby.” He murmured and watched as your smile widened, eyes lighting up now that you were safe and could enjoy the way the pet name sounded coming from Joel’s lips.

“Does you calling me baby mean you’re ready to tell me you love me?” You asked, tone light and joking so that Joel didn’t freak out.

“Sure does.” Joel said back, your eyes widening and smile dropping when his tone stayed even and serious, his lips twitching upwards as he looked at your expression. He had thought on the way home how he could tell you and hadn’t come up with anything but you had given him an opening and he decided it didn’t need to be a big deal. He knew how he felt about you and now you knew too. “Go to sleep, baby.”

“Yeah,” You said, still looking up at him in disbelief before your lips pulled into a wide smile and you reached up to cup his cheek before pulling him into a kiss.

The angle wasn’t great for it but that didn’t matter as Joel kissed you back, the kiss soft but filled with lots of pent up emotions but there was no rush, the two of you were home and safe and had each other and plenty of time.

When Joel pulled away he couldn’t help but smile down at you, your eyes stayed closed for a few seconds longer before they fluttered open and you smiled back at him.

“God baby, I’ve wanted to do that for years.” Joel told you, causing you to laugh because he could have done that years ago and you wouldn’t have had any complaints. Despite how badly Joel wanted to keep kissing you, hell he could have spent the whole night like that quite happily, he could see the tiredness in your eyes and could feel his own exhaustion pulling at him so instead he pulled you into his chest and wrapped the blanket around you both tightly before pressing a lingering kiss to your head.

“Get some rest now, baby.” He murmured into your hair and felt you nod against his chest, fingers curling into his shirt as you let your eyes fall closed.

The room was silent except for the sounds of your breathing and Joel had thought you had drifted off until you spoke again, your voice was soft, barely above a whisper but you needed to say it before you fell asleep.

“I love you too.” Joel grinned down at you and kissed your head again, whispering the words back once more before he finally felt you relax fully against him as you fell asleep.

He found it quite easy to follow after you, heart light as the confessions were finally out in the open after years of skilfully avoiding talking about your feelings. His fears from earlier were gone now that you were home and safe in his arms and he swore to himself he would protect you from whatever else the world threw your way.

__________

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Midnight Rain

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Prompt -  'He wanted it comfortable, I wanted that pain. He wanted a bride, I was making my own name.'

The only thing that seemed to matter to your family was blood purity. They wanted to be seen as the perfect purebloods, the ones who were rich and well off, never wanting for anything. To the whole world you seemed like a picture perfect family, yet as it always went behind closed doors you were anything but.

You hated your family, hated that they didn’t care for anything other than how they were perceived by the world. You hated growing up without love or affection, hated being left with nannies and house elves as your only company, hated that the only time your family could smile around each other was when you attended the fancy balls thrown by the other pureblood families or the meals hosted at your own manor in an attempt to outdo the last event. 

You hated your town, the fancy place that was hidden far away from ‘filthy muggles and tainted blood’, hated how you felt caged in, trapped in a place others would kill to live. You despised that you were only allowed to associate yourself with purebloods.

Your family had long had your engagement planned, you were always to be married to a Black. It had always meant to be a union with the first born Black but your parents had refused to let you wed the boy who went against everything they believed in and instead you were to be married to the younger Black.

It wasn’t like you didn’t like Regulus. He was a nice enough boy but he was much too willing to oblige his family’s every wish, another pureblood wanting to look good for the sake of public appearance even if it meant a life without happiness, a life where your love was fake and you would both be miserable.

Sirius on the other hand, he was somebody you could get along with, somebody you could picture being in your life whilst being happy. The two of you weren’t allowed to associate with each other, your family had forbidden it once they saw you getting close with the older Black. Sirius had seemed to take that as a personal challenge and got you alone every moment he could at parties you were both forced to attend.

It had led to many arguments between you and your parents.

This had been an ongoing battle for years now, a challenge Sirius had been winning at since before you went to Hogwarts. It was there that you thought you would have more freedom, freedom to socialise with people outside of the regular purebloods, freedom to talk to Sirius whenever you wanted.

What you didn’t account for was the other Slytherin reporting your every move back to your parents and them knowing exactly who you were talking to. Their threats had been enough to isolate you from everyone in your first year at Hogwarts, even despite Sirius’ attempts to sneak you away you pulled back from everybody.

That was the way though, that was the way your life was always going to be spent. You would always be alone even if you had a husband at your side and an heir to leave everything to, an heir who would continue the cycle of living for appearances rather than happiness.

Then Regulus came to Hogwarts the next year.

The two of you were forced together at every instance and eventually it just became second nature to gravitate towards each other. Spending so much time around a person created a bond between the two of you and you did consider him a friend but that was all.

Years passed by in the same repetitive cycle, you and Regulus got closer as time passed and eventually it wasn’t such a chore to be in his company. You spent plenty of summers at the Black house and him at yours, parties, balls, lunches all to be attended together.

You had to admit though, if only to yourself, that you missed Sirius dearly.

As you entered into your third year of Hogwarts it seemed Sirius had given up his own challenge of getting you to pull away from your family’s ideals, clearly having given up on you. 

Some days you thought he was right to have given up. Some days you forgot that there was more to life than what you had, some days you let yourself fall into the trap of familiarity. Regulus made it easy to forget that this wasn’t what you wanted. 

You could admit you loved him, you knew he loved you too but you just loved each other differently. He had fallen for you, what had started as a relationship arranged before his birth had turned into something real, he wanted to marry you, to make you his bride and provide for you.

You loved Regulus dearly. He was your best friend and part of you wished you could love him more. It would be so much easier if you did. Regulus was beautiful, he was intelligent and he cared so much. He was perfect and he too deserved better than some forced marriage that neither of you had chosen for yourselves.

Maybe if things had been different, maybe if you and Regulus hadn’t been shoved together without a say, then maybe you could have fallen in love with him but that wasn’t how this story played out. 

It didn’t help that no matter how much time had passed your thoughts never quite managed to stray away from Sirius. You had always wondered what might have happened between the two of you if you hadn’t been forced to stay away from him. 

Even now years down the line, the two of you in your sixth year of Hogwarts, your eyes still wandered over to the Gryffindor table, having to fight back a smile when you saw his eyes were already watching you. Sometimes he smiled at you, sometimes he’d grin or smirk, sometimes he threw a wink your way and other times he looked sad and you felt that sadness deep in your own bones. 

With Sirius there was always the lingering question, deep down both of you were always thinking of the what if’s, the what could have been. Some days you felt like you could drown in sadness and the questions that would forever remain unanswered.

“They’re planning the wedding.” Regulus told you one morning as you sat next to him in the Great Hall, barely awake but his words had your eyes widening.

“They can’t do that, they told us it wasn't to happen until after we left here.” You said with a frown, eyebrows knitting together as you turned to look at him properly. 

“Mother sent me a letter this morning, I’m sure you’ll get one too. Apparently something is happening, you know there has been a political shift lately and Mother and Father have been involved in something more but I don’t know much about it yet. I just know that we are to be married by the end of the year.” Regulus explained and you had to force yourself to swallow around the sudden lump in your throat.

You turned away from Regulus, shifting in your seat so you were looking ahead and busied yourself with pouring a drink before your eyes locked onto the other Black across the room. He was already looking at you, no smirk or sadness but this time with concern. His eyes were wide as he tilted his head to the side, silently asking if you were ok and you couldn’t deal with that right now, Sirius’ concern might just be the thing to push you over the edge.

“The end of the year?” You finally asked, looking away from Sirius as Regulus nodded.

“It’s not so bad, right?” He asked hesitantly and you forced yourself not to grimace but there was a stinging in your eyes you desperately tried to push down. “I know this was planned by our parents but you know I will take care of you, don’t you?”

You gave him a tight lipped smile as you nodded, forcing yourself not to cry. Regulus was right, it wasn’t so bad, it could be much worse, you could be being forced to marry a person who didn’t care for you, one who would use you for an heir before tossing you aside. At least you and Regulus had the luxury of being friends.

And yet that thought didn’t comfort you, if anything it made your heart ache more. 

“No it’s not bad, Regulus.” You told him as evenly as you could manage and it seemed to work as he relaxed slightly in his seat. “Sorry it just came as a shock to me.”

“I understand,” Regulus told you with a soft smile, his hand resting over yours on the table. “It’ll be fine though, we’ll marry and everything will be easier.”

You smiled at him again, turning your hand in his and giving it a gentle squeeze before pulling away. 

“I know,” You said before standing, needing to be alone, “I forgot to pick up my charm’s homework. I’ll see you in class.”

You didn’t rush out of the room, there were too many eyes watching your reaction so you walked out at your normal pace, head held high and a neutral expression on your face. It wasn’t until you were out of the Great Hall that you picked up the pace and quickly made your way out of the castle.

It didn’t take you long to find an empty spot near the lake, it was still early and the autumn chill was keeping most people inside. 

You were glad for the emptiness as you sat down on the ground, tears trying to make their way down your face but you refused to let them fall. You did love Regulus, he truly was your best friend but you weren’t like him, no matter how hard you tried to make yourself be, no matter how hard you told yourself you could marry him and be content.

Regulus wanted to please his parents, he wanted the comfortable life of doing as he was told. You didn’t want that, you didn’t want to marry somebody who didn’t love you, somebody who only wanted you for appearance’s sake. You wanted the hard work a real relationship took, you wanted the pain and the tears and the overwhelming happiness that came with truly being in love. 

Regulus wanted a bride that would give him a child and make the Black family look good, he expected you to stay home, to raise a child and gossip with the other pureblood ladies and host parties and teas. You didn’t want that, you wanted to make a name for yourself, you wanted a job and you wanted to work hard and achieve your goals, goals that didn’t involve staying at home all day.

You wanted more than what life was offering you but you didn’t know how to get out of the place you were stuck.

“Hey.” A voice called out to you softly causing you to jump before you turned your head.

Sirius stood a few steps behind you, a small, sympathetic smile on his face as he nodded to the space next to you. 

It wasn’t as though you and Sirius had completely cut each other off in the years since you were forbidden from talking to each other but it had been much too long since you had been able to properly have a real conversation, one that lasted longer than the five minutes you could steal before you were caught and it was reported back to both the Black’s and your parents. 

“What happened?” He asked, keeping his voice quiet, after sitting down next to you, so close you could feel his arm against yours.

“Me and Regulus are getting married.” You told him, matching the softness of his voice.

“Well yeah,” Sirius chuckled and you could feel his arm moving as he laughed, “we all knew that was happening.” 

“We’re getting married before the year is over.” You clarified and watched from the corner of your eye as he tensed up and looked at you in shock.

“They can’t do that!” He protested but both of you knew that both of your parents could do whatever they wanted so you could do nothing but shrug. 

“Y/N,” he began but cut himself off with a sigh. You didn’t say anything because what was there to say? You didn’t know how you could change what was to happen, you knew you’d give anything to not be forced into this marriage no matter how much you cared for Regulus but you didn’t know how to leave.

The second you left you knew you’d be cut off from everything, you’d had no money, no access to the vaults, no access to any of your properties. You’d be completely alone.

“Tell me what you want me to do.” Sirius finally pleaded and you smiled sadly as you turned to look at him, his own expression showing you how desperately he wanted to help. “Tell me what you want to do.”

“I want to leave.” You finally confessed out loud for the first time, a wet chuckle escaping you as the tears you had desperately fought back made their way back to your eyes. “I want to leave them all behind. I love Regulus, he’s my best friend but I don’t want to marry him, Sirius! I don’t want to be married for appearances and heirs, I want to marry somebody I love, I want to be free to make my own decisions and not have to have my parents controlling every part of my life.”

You were crying by the end of your speech, tears you’d been holding in for years finally flowed freely down your cheeks and you could do nothing to stop them, could only sob as you realised there was no way out of this for you.

Sirius had no words either, he could do nothing but pull you into his arms, an action that made you sob even harder because this was all you had wanted for so long, you couldn’t remember the last time Sirius hugged you. When you were younger Sirius used to hug you close all the time, the two of you held hands and bent your heads together and now you weren’t even allowed to talk to one another.

Yet another thing your parents controlled.

“You don’t have to marry him.” Sirius whispered into your hair, shushing you as you let out a scoff that turned into a sob. “I mean it, you don’t have to marry him if you don’t want to. I’ll talk to James and see if Mr and Mrs Potter can help us out but you’re not marrying him, Y/N/N, you deserve better than the life of a pureblood wife.”

His words made you cry harder and you don’t know just how long the two of you sat alone by the lake, just holding each other as tears flooded your cheeks as some stung at Sirius’ own eyes but he refused to let them fall as he focused on you, whispering whatever words came to mind as he brushed his hand against your arm.  

Eventually you pulled back from him and went to lift your hands in an attempt to wipe the tears from your face but Sirius beat you to it, his hands coming to rest on your cheeks as his thumbs gently brushed your tears away.

“I’ll find you a way out of this,” Sirius told you as he rested his forehead against yours and you let yourself relax into the touch. “I promise.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Sirius.” You murmured softly, a sad smile spreading across your face as you lifted one of your hands to rest against his. “We both know this is the way it’s going to be.”

“I got out, I’ll get you out too.” He promised again and your smile widened a small bit as you nodded. “I don’t want you to marry him.”

“I love Regulus but he is ready to throw his whole life away and pretend he’s happy to please everyone…I can’t do that Sirius, I thought I could but I can’t.” You told him as he brushed his thumb against your cheek softly.

“We’ll figure something out, love.” He told you softly and you could stop the rush of warmth that seemed to run through you at the pet name, a shaky smile spread across your face as you nodded again.

It was days before your wedding was due to take place during the Christmas holiday, in the months that had passed you had talked to Sirius more than you had in the last few years, the two of you finding a moment or two each day to talk in an empty classroom.

It was like the feelings that had been there as a child had suddenly returned at full force, of course they had never gone away completely but not being able to talk to Sirius had meant you had shoved your feelings deep down. 

With just a few days until you returned home you and Regulus had both been receiving daily letters informing you of wedding updates, times you needed to be here, when you needed to be there, suits and dresses had been bought and both families were going all out in an attempt to put all other weddings to shame.

Everything for the sake of appearances no matter how unhappy you were.

You were expected to gush over the upcoming wedding and share the newest plans with your friends in your house and even though it made you sick to your stomach you went along with it to keep up the image. Regulus seemed much more at ease and a part of you was furious at him for being able to go along so easily with everything. 

He smiled and seemed to light up like sunshine when he spoke of the wedding plans whereas you felt like the streets when the rain was hammering down at midnight, cold, dark, and alone. He seemed genuinely happy to be marrying you and you wished you could force yourself to pretend but you couldn’t.

Though you supposed you had no choice but to anymore.

That was until you were strolling the corridors late at night, the last night before you went home to be married off, needing a moment away from the Slytherin common room and all the people faking interest in your big day. 

A hand reached out of nowhere and dragged you into an empty classroom, the other hand coming up to cover your mouth as you let out a yelp but before you could struggle a familiar voice spoke against your ear causing you to suppress a shudder.

“Relax love, it’s just me.” Sirius laughed and you rolled your eyes, playfully pushing him away from you as you turned to face him. “What are you doing wandering the halls at midnight?”

“Needed to be away from everyone.” You told him with another eyeroll and watched as he smiled at you before making a move to leave the room.

“Guess I know when I’m not wanted.” He said, amusement clear in his voice and you grinned as you caught his hand and dragged him further into the room, sitting on top of one of the desks cross legged, Sirius mirroring your expression as he sat opposite you. 

“You know that never applies to you.” You told him, keeping your tone light but meaning the words and you saw how his whole face seemed to light up before he tried to brush it off.

“So…” Sirius grinned at you and you raised an eyebrow at him expectantly but he just smiled wider somehow.

“So…” You repeated, urging him to continue and he sat up straighter before he spoke again.

“Do you want some good news?” He asked you and your eyebrows knitted together as you looked at him questioningly, gesturing for him to carry on.

“Sirius,” You complained when he didn’t speak, causing him to let out a laugh, “what’s your news?”

“You’re staying with the Potter’s.” He told you and before you could say anything he carried on. “They let me stay there and I talked to James about everything and then we both talked to his parents and they insisted you stay with them for holidays like I do. You’ll love it, the Potter’s are the best and they have a spare bedroom already set up for you. I told them you’d probably be cut off and they said you didn’t need to worry about anything and that-”

“Sirius.” You choked out, cutting him off as tears filled your eyes.

“Hey, this is a good thing.” Sirius told you, reaching out to take your hand in his and giving it a squeeze. “I promise there’s no strings attached, the Potter’s are good people, best I ever met anyway.”

“You didn’t have to do this for me.” You told him, feeling your throat choke up as you stared at him with wide, teary eyes. 

“Course I did.” Sirius told you with a soft laugh, squeezing your hand again. “Y/N, I’d do anything for you. I know we went a while without talking to each other properly but I never stopped caring about you. I wasn’t going to sit by and watch you marry Regulus, not when you deserve to be happy.” 

You felt a few tears fall down your cheeks even as a smile made its way onto your face and you couldn’t stop the small laugh that escaped you causing Sirius’ smile to widen. 

“Thank you.” You managed to choke out and Sirius just shook his head at you. “I mean it, Sirius, you didn’t have to do all this. I’ll never be able to thank you for this.”

“Shut up,” He laughed, causing you to grin at him, “You never have to thank me, I’m just glad you get to make your own choices now.”

He was right, you were free to do what you wanted now and it felt…strangely terrifying. You’d never had the option of making your own choices before and now you were free thanks to Sirius, thanks to the man you were falling for.

Who were you kidding? You had fallen for Sirius a long time ago. 

Your eyes shifted down to his lips and you knew he noticed but found that you didn’t care and apparently Sirius wasn’t against it as his tongue poked out to wet his lips before his own eyes flicked down to your lips before he looked back to your eyes, a questioning look in his. 

You could only grin over at him and he smiled brightly before he lifted his hand to your cheek and let his thumb trace the skin of your cheekbone. He brought your face close to his, letting his forehead rest against yours as he glanced down to your lips again.

“You sur-” Sirius went to ask but you couldn’t wait any longer, you had waited years for this and leaned up to close the distance between you, taking Sirius by surprise if the muffled noise that escaped him was any clue but he recovered quickly.

The kiss was everything you had imagined it would be, it was rushed and hungry and filled with longing, filled with relief that you could finally do it. Sirius held your face in his hands and kissed you deeply, kissed you until you were out of breath and then some more before finally pulling away.

“Wanted to do that for so long.” He murmured against your lips as he leaned forward to press a smaller, barely there kiss against them.

“Me too.” You whispered breathlessly, smiling softly over at him and Sirius couldn’t help but press his lips to yours again causing you to laugh against his lips, the two of you smiling too wide to properly kiss again before he pulled away.

“Thank you, Sirius.” You told him as you rested your foreheads together and Sirius just wrapped his arms around your waist pulling you closer, content to just hold you after waiting years for the chance to do so and not planning to let you go until you wanted to leave.

_____________

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Forget Me

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Prompt -  “'Cause I'm not ready to find out you know how to forget me, I'd rather hear how much you regret me and pray to the stars that you never met me than forget me.”

Han Solo knew he had messed up when he watched your face shift, gone was the hurt and anger, your tears seeming to vanish between one blink and the next and he just knew that this was it. He knew he had pushed you too far this time and he wondered if the two of you would come back from this one.

Throughout the years people had struggled to understand your relationship with Han, it always seemed the two of you were arguing, finding something to fight about and hardly even seemed at peace with one another. Of course you had been happy, you had moments of genuine joy around him, moments when you were bursting with so much love for each other. Then there were times when you rubbed each other the wrong way, you refused to budge and see things from his point of view, he’d completely disregarded something you’d said and cause a world of avoidable trouble.

When you fought it was usually done exactly how you loved each other, wild and passionate and hard to control. There was shouting and crying and one of you was always glaring or scowling, it was how Han knew things were ok between you. It sounded odd to outsiders but when Han saw you glaring over at him as he ranted he knew you’d be ok afterwards.

Never in all your fights had he watched you turn stony faced, seemingly shoving your emotions deep down and bricking them up. It set him on edge, he knew something about this fight was different even if it wasn’t as bad as some of your more explosive ones had been but for some reason this seemed to be the one that tipped you over the edge.

“I can’t do this anymore.” You told him quietly, the silence having passed for long enough to set Han even further on edge and your words had his blood running cold.

The two of you had been through so much together, fought side by side, risked your lives for each other, held each other when things got rough and loved each other more passionately than Han had ever thought possible. You couldn’t leave, not after everything. Part of him hoped you weren’t serious, hoped that this was just a cold move on your part to win the argument but he knew you weren’t like that, no matter how nasty some of your fights got.

“Come on, Y/N,” He said anyway, hoping that he was wrong and you were just playing games. He kept his voice lighter that he felt, a joking edge to it that had you swallowing hard and desperately trying to push down every emotion you felt. 

“I’m serious, Han. This is exhausting, it’s the same damn argument over and over. I tell you it’s stupid and reckless and you jump head first into anyway and it usually ends up coming back to me. I mean how many times has somebody sent bounties after me because of something stupid you did. We go back and forth and it’s going to end with one of us dead these days.” You told him, trying your hardest to keep your voice from shaking and the tears from filling your eyes.

“Baby don’t do this. You want me to stop, I’ll stop right here and now.” Han said, knowing you were deadly serious and hating it. He hated how you were right, hated that you pointed out how much danger he put you in when all he wanted was to protect you. 

“How many times have you promised me that?” You whispered and he felt his heart drop because, again, you always had to be right.

“You can’t just walk away from us, Y/N/N, not after everything.” He pleaded with you taking a step closer only to feel his heart ache as you took a step back.

“I’m tired, Han. We’re fighting a war and we’re fighting each other, I can’t do both, I’m exhausted.” You felt like the entire galaxy was weighing you down most days. Days like today where you had stood beside Leia and watched so many from your army, so many friends, die and all you wanted was to come back to your rooms and take comfort from Han.

Instead you had ended up in a screaming match with him, feeling completely and utterly drained to your bones. You had nothing left to give this relationship, you barely had anything left to give to the fight with the Empire. 

Some days you dreamed of taking Han up on his offer of just flying away in the Falcon, the two of you getting far away from everything. You daydreamed often about how different things would be for both of you if you did just run away but you couldn’t, Leia was your friend and you couldn’t leave her.

Still, it was nice to dream.

“Come on baby, please don’t do this, give us one last chance.” You wanted to cave, wanted desperately to give into his pleading wide eyes and collapse into his arms but you knew you couldn’t, no matter how much you wanted it to you knew things wouldn’t change.

“I’m sorry.” You whispered and your voice caught on the words, breaking softly as you fought down a wave of tears that threatened to fill your eyes. 

Han took another step forward and this time you didn’t move away from him, letting him bring his hand up to your cheek before he pressed your foreheads together, looking into your eyes before his fell closed and he brought your lips together.

The kiss was soft and slow, so different from how they usually were. A few tears made their way down your cheeks as you closed your eyes and kissed Han back, savouring the feeling of him against you, letting yourself sink into the kiss but not drown in it, knowing that if you did that you wouldn’t be able to leave.

You were the first pull away, hands coming to rest on Han’s chest as he tried to chase your lips. You knew you had to leave, heart heavy and broken as you pushed away from him and took the few steps needed to reach the door. Han didn’t try to stop you this time as you left, hoping this decision wasn’t permanent.

Months passed without a word from you though. He tried to avoid spending much time on the base but when he was there, well, people liked to talk and were always keen to fill him in on what he had missed. In the few times he had been back he had been informed of your angry words against him, private conversations between you and Leia overheard by the crew. He was told that you had been seen crying most days, sometimes you had to excuse yourself from a planning meeting and somebody would find you alone with tears flowing down your cheeks. Han hated knowing he was the reason for your tears, he never wanted to be the reason you cried and yet a part of him was glad for it because it meant you were thinking about him, you hadn’t just erased him from your thoughts.

Though his heart ached at some of the things he had been told, choice words he hoped had been grossly exaggerated through the rumour mill, it didn’t hurt him as much as he expected it to. If you were dragging his name through the dirt it meant he was still on your mind, it meant you were still holding onto a part of him and that gave him hope. 

Han would gladly take all the criticism you gave him, gladly let you curse him out to anybody who would listen, just to know you still thought about him.

After that night you were heartbroken, through Han’s own wrongdoings, through your constant arguments and your stubborn unwillingness to budge on what you believed in you were left alone. For once you found yourself grateful for the war, you hardly had a moment to sit a stew in your hurt and your pain, though some nights when things were quiet and you’d had too much to drink you tended to drunkenly berate the Captain.

Months went by and you managed to live with the hurt, managed to deal with it and go about your day, thoughts somehow always managing to find their way back to Han Solo. It was strange thinking of him, sometimes you felt so much hate, wanting so badly to get it right with him only to fail each time made you hurt, made you angry at him for not trying harder, angry at yourself for not giving it the final chance he pleaded for. Other times you just felt sad, you missed him dearly. There had been good moments, beautiful moments. You had been at each other's side for so long that to suddenly be without him was lonely.

More months passed and eventually a year had gone by, a long year of days spent aching and longing for you. No matter how far Han went from the base where you were he couldn’t seem to outrun you in his mind, you were always there no matter what he was doing. If he was in the midst of a battle he would think about how wrong it felt not to have your back pressed against his, if he was piloting the Falcon he couldn’t help but miss the way you tried to take over, annoying him by pressing random buttons and instead of your laugh filling the air there was only silence. The nights dragged by painfully slow, he missed you deeply, missed the feeling of you curled into his chest, missed wrapping his body around yours as he held you close, missed waking up and knowing his day would be good just because you were the first thing he saw.

It had been a year and he still missed you so much, he was still holding on hope that you’d take him back, that you still missed him as much as he did you.

It had been a year and you were finally moving on, finally living without the hurt and the pain rather than living with having grown used to it. It may have been a gradual process but you didn’t notice it, not until one day where you were sitting in the cantina and laughing, really laughing, with one of the men from the crew. It hit you like a tonne of bricks that your mind wasn’t on Han and it hadn’t been for a while now.

It was…refreshing. It was nice, even nicer now that you’d actually noticed you were able to get through a day without wanting to cry or rage. You hadn’t realised just how much of your energy it was taking to miss Han. 

Han hadn’t been back to the base in a while now, he knew you hated when he was there, people told him how you locked yourself in your rooms or had Leia send you on a mission whenever he was around. Today he had no choice but to come back and even though he longed to see you, another part of him hoped you still didn’t want to see him just because it would mean you still felt something for him.

He landed on the base, ignoring Chewie’s grumblings about how he wished you were there. He found Leia in the main planning room, the room was filled and yet as he stood in the doorway and saw you he felt everything around him stop. You had to know he was coming, he’d warned Leia two days in advance knowing she would give you a heads up. He could only stare at you, watching as you smiled over at one of the crew a little too friendly for his liking before Leia called out his name. 

His head snapped over to her but from the corner of his eyes he saw you look over at him. If it could be called that, really it was only a half glance, more so at the sudden call from Leia than to look at him before you turned your attention back to the crew member showing you something on the screens.

His heart dropped. There was no pain or longing, your eyes didn’t light up or glare over at him. It was like he was just another member of the crew, a stranger you didn’t know and had no desire to introduce yourself to. It sent a pain right to his heart, his heart was still yours even after a year apart and it seemed you had done the one thing he couldn’t bear to happen, you had forgotten him.

Han nearly lost it then and there, right in front of everybody. He would much rather the crew crowd him and tell him all the nasty things you said about him, hear about how you had cursed and berated him, hear that you wished him dead, hear about you cursing the stars for ever having met him. He would much rather all that than knowing that you knew how to forget him.

It wrecked him, it wrecked him right to the core seeing you dismiss him easily and he knew it wasn’t an act, an attempt to put on a brave face and show him that your separation, your time apart wasn’t affecting you. No, he could tell it was real and he hated knowing you had forgotten him.

Han wasn’t ready to let you go, not even after all the time that had passed. He wasn’t ready to let you forget him but what could he do? Every part of him ached, he was filled with anger and sadness and regret. He should have done something long ago, he shouldn’t have let so much time pass, he should have listened to you and just gave you what you wanted.

He took a step over in your direction, managed two steps before a hand wrapped around his biceps and fingernails dug into his skin. He looked away from you and back to Leia who was glaring at him and shaking her head.

“Leave her alone, Han. You messed up and you missed your chance.” Leia told him, the words weren’t kind but her tone was soft. It was a truth he needed to hear.

Leia had been the one there for you after you walked away from Han. She had been the one who held you as you wept, who watched you scream and pace and drink yourself into a state. She had been the one to stack your workload so high that you were drowning but didn’t have time to think about the man. She had been the one to slowly watch you get better, to go through days where Han didn’t cross your mind.

She liked Han, really she did, but you were her best friend and she hated watching you suffer like you had. You had finally dragged yourself out of that dark pit where Han surrounded your every waking thought and sleeping dream. There was no way she was going to let Han ruin that, she couldn’t bear to watch you go through it again.

“Leia please, that’s my girl, I gotta get her back.” Han pleaded with her, knowing his heart was yours. 

“No Han, she’s not your girl.” Leia told him and pulled him further away from you, watching as he drank you in before she pulled him out of the room. “You lost her, Han and she is finally in a good place. If you care about her you’ll leave her alone.”

Some part of Han knew she was right. Too much time had seemingly passed and it hurt him, it cut him to the core to know that Leia was right, he had lost you. It hurt him, loathe as he was to admit it knowing how selfish it was, but it hurt him to know that you were in a good place because he was supposed to be that good place for you. Now you were living your life and Han wasn’t a part of that, you were happy but it wasn’t Han who was making you happy, though in a way he supposed he was but he was making you happy by staying out of your life.

Even after all this time he wasn’t ready to accept that you could forget him, forget all the good things between you, forget about the love you had felt for each other. He knew he loved you, he knew his heart would always be yours. 

He loved you and he knew Leia was right, if he cared for you he had to leave you alone.

He just hoped that one day you’d remember him again, remember him and take him back. He knew he’d always be waiting for you, he’d still be holding onto the hope he desperately clung too.

_____

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Lost It All But Found You

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Prompt - “What do you miss most? About life before all of this.”

You were already in bed by the time Joel came back from his shift and didn’t bother opening your eyes as you heard him close and lock the door before quietly walking over to the bed to press a gentle kiss just above your eyebrow. He was quiet as he shut the bathroom door and a few minutes later you heard the shower running, you knew he had been on body burning duty, the job everybody hated getting but paid well.

You let your mind wander whilst Joel showered, a dangerous thing to do most days but especially today when you, even twenty years after the outbreak, were feeling the effects of everything. Some days were fine, they were easy and it felt like you had accepted that this was how the world was now. Those days were great, you liked your little apartment, didn’t mind that you couldn’t leave the walls, you didn’t mind going to work. It was nice to pretend, especially when in those moments it didn’t feel like pretending.

Then there were days like today. Days where you struggled to drag yourself out of bed, hours after Joel had left for his shift. This morning was hard, you felt like your body was being weighed down by the weight of the thousand questions you had that would never be answered, questions of what had become of the people you loved, questions of what if’s and how could this happen. Days like today the world didn’t feel real, it felt like a dream that you would wake up from but you never did. Eventually you pulled yourself from the bed and went to work, on these days your body was on autopilot, you didn’t remember getting ready for work, you hardly remembered being at your job but the repetitiveness of it made it easy. The whole time you worked you weren’t really there, instead you were deep in your head.

It had been twenty years since the world went to hell. Twenty years was a long time, twenty years of questions swarming your head until you felt like you were drowning. How had this become your life? The world had ended and here you were sweeping the streets like it was a regular old day.

You hated it.

Being inside the walls on days like this felt suffocating and you longed to go outside. Joel went out sometimes but he never took you, always said his runs were too dangerous and you didn’t doubt it but a part of you would always long to see the outside of those walls again. The thought of being within the walls until you died made your skin crawl, trapped from the outside world because there wasn’t a cure for this virus, there would never be a cure.

That thought always consumed you with anxiety, turned your blood cold and you had stopping to force yourself to breathe, to push past the tingles in your hands and calm down. Sometimes you could handle it alone but most times it ended with you sitting with your back pressed to the wall and Joel walking in on you, moving over to sit besind you as he pulled you into his arms, his fingers running groundingly up and down your back until it was easier to breathe.

Today you had at least managed to make it to your bed before the anxiety became too much and ever since you had been in an almost paralysed state of staring at the wall in front of you until your eyes were too heavy to stay open and they fell shut though you couldn’t fall asleep no matter how drained your body felt.

You had been so focused on your own thoughts that you didn’t hear the shower shut off or Joel moving around the room as he changed into something comfortable before climbing into the bed behind you.

Joel felt you jump slightly as his arm slid around you, your head turning to look up at him with a confused look before you blinked several times and seemed to register it was just him. He pulled you closer so your back was flush against his chest, his arms around your waist and fingers drawing shapeless patterns into your skin. Slowly he felt you beginning to relax into his touch, not fully out of your head but enough that you could focus on the things that were real.

Joel pressed a kiss to your head and let his lips rest against your hair, smiling softly as your hands came to rest on his arms, your fingers coming to mess with the watch that had sat on his wrist for twenty years.

When you were like this it was easy for Joel to get lost in his own head with you but he always shoved his own thoughts down, it wouldn’t do well to have the pair of you out of your minds with grief.

Joel didn’t say anything, there were never any words to say when you were having a bad day because everything you were thinking was true, every bad thing you thought about the world was right. Joel knew how hard it was to carry the questions that were swimming around in your head because he carried his own questions, felt the weight of them every day.

So instead he did what he could do, he could hold you close to him, he could make sure you didn’t get too lost in your head, made sure you had his touch to ground you back to reality. He would be there for you in ways he knew he could. Most of the time when you had a bad day you tended to not want to speak anyway, sometimes you wanted to hear Joel speak, it didn’t matter what he said but sometimes you just needed more than his touch to help you find your way back. There was the rare occasion, it hadn’t happened more than a handful of times in the many years he’d known you, where you wanted to talk about what was happening in your head.

Today seemed to be one of those rare days.

“I don’t remember what my family even looked like.” You whispered, voice cracking as tears slipped down your cheeks and Joel felt his heart break, he knew what you meant.

Twenty years was a long time, so much happened and things became harder to remember. The sound of somebody’s laugh, the way their voice sounded when they were happy, the way somebody’s hair fell into their face or how they smiled. You could remember the song somebody sang in the morning, could recite all the words to it but couldn’t ever remember how they sounded when they sang it.

“I wonder about them all the time, did they survive, are they out there somewhere? Some part of me hopes they are but then another part of me, the part that’s tired, hopes that whatever happened that they’re at peace.” You said, keeping your voice low as you spoke and focused on the feel of Joel’s fingers through your shirt.

“I’m sorry.” Joel whispered into your hair and you laughed quietly though it came out as more of a sob really.

“You know what the most bittersweet thing is about this whole thing?” You asked, turning in Joel’s arms so you were facing him now, “I got to meet you, it took the world going to shit for us to meet. You are the best thing in my life, before the outbreak and after, you’re the best person I know.”

“I love you too, baby.” Joel murmured as he kissed your forehead. “I love you so damn much, just hate that it took losing everything else to get here. In another life, baby, God, baby I promise in another life everything would be different, you’d never be scared again.”

“What do you miss most?” You asked him and it was a question that made him pause, not because he didn’t know the answer, God he knew the answer straight away, it was something that stuck with him every day of his life. “About life before all of this.”

He had never told you about Sarah, he didn’t know why he hadn’t but he had never spoken about her. Maybe it was because it was still too raw, too painful. Twenty years had gone since she was taken from him and it still felt like yesterday. You spoke about not being able to remember your family but some days Joel would do anything to get the image of his daughter shot, bleeding and dying in his arms out of his head.

“My daughter.” Joel said quietly and watched you pull away from him as you stared up at him in shock, your eyes were still watery as tears stained your cheeks. “I miss my daughter.”

“Joel-” You breathed out, no words coming to you and Joel couldn’t help but smile down at you as he reached a hand up to brush away the tears. “I’m so sorry.”

“Her name was Sarah.” He told you and his smile widened as he watched you mouth her name to yourself. “She was just a kid, twelve, and the best thing I have ever done with my life.”

“You’ve never told me about her.” You said, not prying for anything else but giving him the opening to share her with you if he wanted.

And he did. He wanted to share his life before the outbreak with you. He wanted you to know Sarah, wanted you to love her like he did because she was his whole world. Even twenty years later when so many of the memories he had with her had become foggy he never lost that overwhelming feeling of love.

“That kid- let me tell you if anyone was gonna call me out on my bullshit it was Sarah. The day the world went to hell it was my birthday and she called me right out for not being home on time, for forgetting the cake. Sarah matched me without ever missing a beat, the two of us could go back and forth all day long” Joel chuckled to himself and you smiled over at him, your full attention on him and he paused to kiss your forehead again. “Kid was more athletic than I ever was, she was on the soccer team, God knows how but I still remember her out on the field, still remember she was number 14. She was brilliant, so many awards that we didn’t know what to do with ‘em.”

“She sounds amazing.” You said softly and Joel grinned down at you even as his eyes shined with tears.

“Yeah, yeah she was.” Joel nodded and took a breath, “me and her used to go hiking together, just the two of us out for hours. I don’t even know what we talked about, can’t remember but I know she laughed, I know she loved going. Most kids her age got embarrassed spending so much time with their folks but not Sarah, hell she was always looking for more time for us to do things together.”

“She knew her dad was a special, smart kid.” You told him with a smile and he chuckled wetly.

“Some army asshole, the day the outbreak happened, it was just me and her, he could see we weren’t sick- Sarah hurt her ankle in the accident and I was carrying her but he could see we were fine and this asshole shoots at us. I tried to protect her but…she died in my arms and I couldn’t do anything.” Joel told you and you felt your own eyes well with tears again but you pushed them back as you pulled Joel into you, holding him against you as you murmured soft words of comfort.

“I’m so, so sorry Joel.” You felt your neck wet with his tears as he cuddled into you but you also felt him smile before he pressed a kiss to your skin. “I’m really glad you told me about her.”

“Me too, baby.” He murmured and you ran your hands through his hair. “She was my whole world, that’s what I miss the most from before.”

The two of you held each other, both of your minds filled with what had been lost, what could never be, thoughts of another life where you had met, where you knew each other's families…you had both lost so much and sometimes that pain was easy to get lost in but, through all that pain and suffering, you had also found each other, had found a love neither of you had thought possible, had found the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with even if it was this version of a future that nobody had seen coming.

You and Joel were each other's anchor, making sure you stayed afloat when it was so easy to give up. This new world might have taken everything from you but it had also given you Joel and it was bittersweet but you were grateful to have found him, you weren’t sure either of you would have made it this far without the other.

__________

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Bigger Than The Whole Sky

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Prompt -  'No words appear before me in the aftermath, I've got a lot to pine about.’

You could still remember the first time you had met Cassian Andor. Both of you had been years younger than you were now, both having seen much more than others your age had. You still remembered how cold and distant Cassian had been with you and remembered how you had practically forced yourself into his life whether he wanted you there or not.

Some days the walls he had built around himself had seemed too heavy to knock down but now, years later, you were glad you had been so persistent in being around him. 

He was your best friend, your soulmate, the one person you knew would always have your back and who knew you would have his, the one person you could completely be yourself around and not have to hold back anything. He had seen your worst days, just as you had seen his and you had both been each other's best days.

You and Cassian were inseparable once you had managed to break through his walls though, the two of you were never far from each other. When one of you was sent on a mission, no matter how close or easy, the other always tagged along until the Rebellion gave in and General’s sent you on missions together with fond eye rolls.

It wasn’t a surprise when you found yourself looking at Cassian when he wasn’t looking at you, whether it be sneaky glances from the gaps in your hair or looking up at him from under your lashes. You knew you loved him, there was no doubting that, but you hadn’t ever realised just how deep that love had gone until one mission where you had nearly lost him.

You had watched the building Cassian had entered blow up before your eyes and tears filled them instantly. Your knees gave out and you were on the floor before you even realised it. 

You were completely numb but forced your hand to move, pressing down on the comm and begging for Cassian to answer you, only to sob as no reply came.

You had no idea how long you stayed kneeling on the floor, choked sobs mixed with pleading words for Cassian to answer you, for him to be ok, for him to come back to you. Your mind was racing, trying to conjure up a future without Cassian only to come back with nothing and you didn’t know how you were supposed to carry without him.

You didn’t hear the rustle of twigs and leaves as you hunched over, your head resting on your knees as you sobbed for Cassian.

“Hey,” Cassian forced out, throat dry from inhaling smoke. He stumbled over to you before collapsing down in front of you, forcing a comforting smile onto his face even with the pain that seemed to spread across his entire body. “Hey, look at me.”

Your head had shot up, more sobs, this time of absolute relief, escaping you and you immediately leaned into Cassian’s touch when he brought his hand up to your cheek, gently brushing away the tears though they were quickly replaced by new ones. Your own hand came up to clutch Cassian’s and you let your eyes fall closed as he pulled you to him, meeting you halfway and resting his forehead against yours. 

“I thought-” You choked out and Cassian gently shushed you, ignoring the pain as he shifted closer to you, moving his head until his lips pressed against your forehead and just letting them rest there for a moment.

“I know,” He murmured against your forehead, “but I’m here, I’m here, Y/N/N.” 

After that moment you had refused to keep your feelings to yourself and had waited only until you were back on base and Cassian had been cleared by the medical droid before you had pulled him aside and told him everything, surprisingly unnervous considering your entire friendship was being put on the line.

But Cassian had only smiled over at you. It wasn’t a big smile, it was a shy pull of his lips but his face had lit up at your words before he had cupped your cheek, softly, almost like he was afraid that any sudden movements would break the moment and you would change your mind. You had only smiled back at him and that seemed to be all the reassurances he needed to bring your lips together. 

Kissing Cassian was something you had thought about for a long time, hours spent wondering how this moment would feel and now that his lips were finally against yours…there were no words to describe how perfect a kiss it was, no words to describe how everything around you seemed to fade away. 

It was over much too soon for your liking and you chased after Cassian’s lips, relishing the chuckle he let out before kissing you softly again, pulling away only to rest his forehead against yours.

From that moment on you and Cassian become each other’s everything. You were the go to team when the Rebellion needed something handling with guaranteed success, you were the first thing the other saw before going to sleep and waking up the next morning. You were the hope the other needed on days when the darkness seemed to swallow the light and you were the arms the other could cuddle into whenever you needed.

For months after you had gotten together, years before you had even begun dating, you had never been separated on a mission so when Cassian was pulled aside one day to be debriefed on a mission that he would be doing solo you were both on edge. 

“Give me a reason she can’t come.” Cassian demanded, his hand resting on the small of your back as you stood before the Generals who were shaking their heads. 

“We have already told you she isn’t needed for this part of the mission.” One of them said but you weren’t paying attention, too focused on your worry of being separated from Cassian for the first time in years. “Trust in the plan, Captain.”

And so you did. 

You watched him leave the base, waited restlessly as time passed for any message from him. You hated having no contact with him, it was the longest you had gone without talking to one another since the early days of meeting him.

“Please let him be ok.” You whispered softly to whatever force would listen to you as you lost track at time staring at the screen.

Somebody seemed to be listening to your prayers though and you let out a silent breath of relief when Basteren informed you all of the message he had received.

“A coded message from Captain Andor, sir ‘weapon confirmed, Jedha destroyed. Mission target located on Eadu, please advise.’”

Hearing that Cassian was supposed to continue on with the plan, that Jedha had been destroyed sent a wave of fear and anxiety through you and you had to fight down the urge to ask to be sent to Eadu, to meet Cassian there and offer your help.

You knew it would only be shot down.

It wasn’t long later that the command room was silent as Basteren tried to make contact with Cassian and his group, the sound of radio static had your stomach turning, mind already coming up with a multitude of reasons he wasn’t answering and none of them were good.

“The signal’s gone dead.” Basteren told the room and you closed your eyes, refusing to let the tears you felt well up fall.

“Squadron up.” Draven said and you opened your eyes to look at him pleadingly but he wasn’t looking at you. “Target Eadu.”

The room became a flurry of movement and you made your way over to Draven, having to jog to catch up to him as he left the room.

“No.” He said before you could even open your mouth and you frowned before arguing. 

“I don’t understand why you are suddenly so against me and Cassian working together. For years we have only had successful missions and suddenly-”

“He cannot be distracted.” Draven told you, stopping suddenly in the hallway and turning to you. “This is not a standard mission, we have to kill Galen Erso, if you were there you would only be a distraction. It’s no secret both of you would jeopardise a mission if the other was in danger. That cannot happen here, whatever Erso is building is dangerous, it’s deadly. You must stay.”

“I can’t do that, Sir.” You told him with a frown, knowing his words weren’t wrong. “Cassian’s out there somewhere. The others can focus on Galen, my mission is to get Cassian and K2 out of there.”

There was a moment of silence and Draven knew you were not asking for his permission, he knew no matter what he said you would be making your way to Eadu in the next few minutes and all he could do was sigh.

“You and Andor are going to be the death of me, Y/L/N, I can feel it.” He told you and you grinned at him before nodding your head and heading down the hallway and into a ship.

You flew the ship easily, you weren’t as natural a pilot as Cassian was but he had taught you enough that you were a decent enough flyer, though you preferred it when Cassian was in the pilot's seat and you next to him.

As the other pilots made their way to the base you flew lower to search for Cassian and K-2SO. It felt like you were just flying around aimlessly when you finally spotted a ship that seemed to be grounded and prayed to whoever was listening that this was them and not just some random abandoned ship.

You landed your ship and opened the doors, stepping out and wiping at the rain that fell onto your face, walking over to the ship with a blaster in your hands. You got close enough to the ship and recognised it as one of your own, breathing a sigh of relief though you didn’t lower your blaster yet as you stepped in and looked around seeing it empty.

A noise from the cockpit had you raising your blaster only for you to laugh a second later and lower the weapon.

“Y/N!” K2 said and you grinned at him. “It’s good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you too, K.” You told him just as the ship lit up letting you know it was functional again. “Where’s Cassian? Where are the others?” 

“Cassian and the pilot went to look for Galen Erso, the others followed them.” K2 informed you and you cursed, already hearing the sounds of the battle in the distance.

“Get the ship in the air now!” You commanded and K2 didn’t question you as he took control of the ship and had you in the air in moments. “There! They’re there, K2, go down!”

“Shoot Y/N!” K2 ordered and you immediately did as he said, shooting at the Imperial ships before opening the door and calling for everyone to get in, smiling despite the situation as Cassian paused to stare at you in shock before he shook himself and ran onto the ship.

Cassian waited until the door closed to turn to you, seemingly frozen for a second before he pulled you into his arms, resting his chin on your head. You didn’t hesitate to hug him back, the two of you clinging to each other as if your lives depended on it.

“It’s good to see you.” He murmured and you smiled, nodding against him as you tightened your grip on him. “I have missed you.”

“I missed you too.” You whispered, “I hate that they won’t let me be a part of this mission.”

“You lied to me.” A voice said, pulling you and Cassian out of the bubble the two of you seemed to enter whenever you were together, blocking everyone else out.

You heard Cassian sigh against you before he pulled away from you, squeezing your arm gently before letting go and turning to Jyn.

“You went up there to kill my father.” She accused and you couldn’t help but wince, she wasn’t wrong, that had been Cassian’s mission but you still couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. “Deny it.”

You frowned as she continued, continued to put the blame solely on Cassian when he was simply following orders, putting the Rebellion’s needs above everything. You reached down slowly and took Cassian’s hand in your own, giving it a gentle, reassuring squeeze causing Cassian to let out a soft sigh.

“I had every chance to pull the trigger but did I?” He asked her and you couldn’t help but frown. It wasn’t often that Cassian went against orders. “I had orders, orders that I disobeyed. But you wouldn’t understand that.” Cassian snapped and the woman continued to place the blame on Cassian’s shoulders.

“You might as well be a stormtrooper.” She accused and you took a step forward, only stopped by Cassian tightly squeezing your hand before he pulled away and stepped close to Jyn.

“What do you know?” He asked, “We don’t all have the luxury of deciding when and where we want to care about something. Suddenly the Rebellion is real for you. Some of us live it. I’ve been in this fight since I was six years old, Y/N since she was eight! Our childhoods stolen from us! You’re not the only one who lost everything. Some of us just decided to do something about it.”

“You can’t talk your way around this.” Jyn said and you couldn’t help but glare at her, you understood her side of things but she couldn’t keep placing the blame on Cassian.

Cassian was right, the two of you had been in this fight longer than you’d been out of it, neither of you hardly remembered a time before it. No matter how much you hated it, it was your lives and you would do what you had to to see the end of the Empire.

“I don’t have to.” Cassian told her before walking away from her and Jyn’s eyes fell on you, jutting her chin out when she saw your glare.

“I’m sorry about your father but watch how you speak to him, we’ve all had to do things we don’t want to. It’s the only way we win.” You told her before shouldering past her and following Cassian up the stairs.

“You ok?” You asked as you sat next to him and Cassian nodded even as he didn’t look over at you. “It’ll be over soon, pretty soon all this fighting and following orders will be done and we can start something new.”

Cassian’s lips twitched upwards at that, at the thought of all the plans and dreams of a future the two of you talked about, at the thought of them becoming a reality soon and his hands reached over to cup one of yours so you counted it as a win.

“I’m glad to have you back at my side, mi querida.” Cassian told you, bringing your hands to his lips and placing a soft kiss to the back of it.

“Me too, Cassian, being away from you-”

“I will never let them separate us again, after this mission is done you’re not leaving my side.” He chuckled and you joined him, not at all mad at that plan.

“I wouldn’t complain about that.” You told him, the two of you smiling at one another before he tugged you close, your head on his shoulder and his arms holding you tightly, both of your thoughts on a future after the war was won.

From there followed a long meeting with the Council members, a long meeting of listening to Jyn plead her case and you had to admit it was a good speech, inspiring for somebody who hadn’t seemed to care for the Rebellion only a week ago.

“Rebellions are built on hope.” She told the people in the room and you couldn’t help but smile at the words you had heard spoken before by the man you loved, clearly he had made an impact on her too.

“Without the full support of the Council…the odds are too great.” You felt your eyes fall shut at her word before you turned to leave the room after Jyn.

You walked out of the room with her, ignoring the conversation around you as you leaned against the wall, thoughts on surrender after all you had given, after all Cassian and the countless others had given to the cause.

As they spoke you looked up in time to see Cassian stepping forward, a small crew behind him and couldn’t help but beam at him, Cassian catching your expression and smiling back at you. 

You should have known surrender wasn’t an option.

“We’d like to volunteer,” Cassian told Jyn and you felt an overwhelming surge of love for the man before you. “We've all done terrible things on behalf of the Rebellion,” He said, eyes glancing over to you and you looked down, thoughts haunted by all you had done since joining. 

“Everything I did, I did for the Rebellion and every time I walked away from something I wanted to forget, I told myself it was for a cause that I believed in, a chance to give the people I love something better.” When you looked up Cassian’s eyes were still on you and you gave him a soft smile, watching as he relaxed slightly. “Without that we’re lost. Everything we’ve done would have been for nothing.”

You and Cassian stayed locked on each other as he spoke, out of the corner of your eyes you saw Jyn turn around, following Cassian’s eyes and seeing they were focused on you, a small smile pulling at her lips.

“I couldn’t face myself if I gave up now. None of us could.” The two of you stood like idiots just smiling at each other as everyone else moved into action before Cassian made his way over to you.

His hands came up to cup your cheeks, bringing you close to him as he rested his forehead against yours, staying silent as his eyes slipped closed.

“You can’t come.” He whispered and you frowned, your eyebrows knitting together in confusion but you didn’t pull away from him, instead you stayed silent and waited for him to continue. “I need somebody here I trust and there is no one I trust more than you, my love.”

You stayed silent still, a part of you was screaming that you shouldn’t let him leave the base without you, something about him going felt wrong but you chalked it up to your dislike of being away from Cassian, the time away from him already not doing you good but after this mission you wouldn’t have to be away from him again.

Still it was hard to ignore how wrong it felt to let him leave.

“Stay safe.” You finally murmured and he grinned at you, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“I’ll be home before you know it, darling, I promise.” He told you and you couldn’t help but smile back at him before he ducked his head down, pressing his lips to yours.

The kiss was full of passion, making up for all the lost kisses in the time you’d been apart from each other and full of promises of many more to come. By the time he pulled away you were left with swollen lips and panting for breath.

“I’ll see you soon,” he promised and you nodded breathlessly, causing him to chuckle, pressing another softer kiss to your plumped lips. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Cassian.” You told him with a soft smile and he couldn’t stop himself from kissing you once more before running off into the ship waiting for him.

Your smile widened as he grinned, mouthing another ‘I love you’ at you and you couldn’t help but chuckle as you lifted your hand to wave him off.

Once he was gone your smile faded and you let the worry settle in, knowing you could be in for a long wait in which you could do nothing but let your mind focus on the what if’s. 

“Sitting this one out, Y/L/N?” A voice asked and you turned to see Admiral Raddus marching to his ship.

Cassian had told you he needed you here but you could do everything you could here just as easily as you could on his ship and grinned at the General before following after him, the General gesturing for you to get on board before giving the command to head to Scarif.

“They closed the shield gate.” You whispered and the General turned to you, a grim look on his face. “They’re locked in. We have to get it open!”

“You heard her, get it open!” Admiral Raddus commanded and there was a chorus of yes sirs.

You hated how useless you felt, all Rebel frequencies were blocked, there was no way to contact or get to Cassian. You wished more than ever you had listened to that screaming feeling earlier telling you to go with Cassian to Scarif.

You could only watch from the safety of the ship as the squadrons focused their attacks on the shield gate. Even as your deflector ships decreased you couldn’t find it in you to care, not  when you had no idea what was happening to Cassian.

“-this is Rogue One, come in. Over.” Your knees very well nearly gave out when you heard a voice come through the comms, tears already filling your eyes as the Admiral responded. “We have the plans. They found the Death Star plan. They have to transmit them from the communications tower, you have to take down the shield gate. It’s the only way they’re gonna get them through.”

You desperately wanted to ask about Cassian but knew you couldn’t, you just had to trust that he was ok as you helped the Admiral command the troops and couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief as you watched the Star Destroyer go down, disabling the shield gate and knowing Cassian could get out once the plans were with you.

It would be easy sailing from this moment on and then you could be with Cassian again, the time for the two of you to lay down together in each other’s arms, no words needing to be spoken between the two of you as you just held each other couldn’t come soon enough.

“Admiral, we’re receiving transmission from Scarif.” Somebody said and you could help the laugh of relief that escaped you, glad that Cassian would be back with you any minute. ‘Admiral, we have the plans!”

“Sir,” somebody said and you turned to glance behind you, “We’re detecting a massive object emerging from hyperspace.”

“What is tha-” You began to ask but cut yourself off as your eyes widened and it felt like all the air had left your lungs.

“What is it?” The Admiral asked instead and you had to swallow past the lump in your throat before you could speak.

“It’s the Death Star.” You whispered, near silently but the words seemed to echo around the room as if you’d shouted them.

You couldn’t do anything. 

You couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. All you could do was stare out of the window, stomach churning and your blood cold as you watched the planet below you implode on itself. Tears made their way from your eyes and down your cheeks but you didn’t notice until the salty tears streamed past your lips. 

“Rogue one,” the Admiral said as you cried, hand on the window as you watched in horror, “may the Force be with you.”

Alarms began to sound throughout the ship, people yelled commands and cried out in fear but you ignored it all, barely registering the sounds, as you continued to stare out of the window. 

You were completely numb, completely empty like everything had been ripped from you. 

The explosion was still happening, completely destroying everything in proximity, taking the lives of everyone on the base. 

Taking Cassian. 

A part of you was waiting on a miracle. A large miracle from the galaxy, one gift for all that you and Cassian had given, had sacrificed, to protect it. Your eyes stayed focused on the scene hoping to see a ship, pleading silently with any force that would listen to you to just give you this. 

But nothing came. 

Nobody answered your prayers. 

You would have stayed there forever if you could, frozen in that exact moment in time for the rest of your life if not for the person pulling you back to reality as they bumped into you as they ran by, turning to face you as he shouted to you. 

“Vader’s boarding the ship!” He warned before continuing towards the escape pods. 

Anger flared in you, pure anger you hadn’t felt in a long time. This was all Vader’s doing, he should have to pay for taking Cassian from you. 

The time you had spent with Cassian wasn’t long, it would never be long enough no matter how much time you had spent with him. Vader had taken him from you, taken all the time that was meant to be yours and Cassian’s. 

Vader had doomed you to the worst of fates, to the coldest of lives. You would always be pining for Cassian, never able to move on from the man who you loved more dearly than anything else in the whole galaxy.

A life without Cassian Andor seemed…it didn’t seem real. It was impossible to think that you would wake up and the first thing you saw wouldn’t be Cassian but instead an empty bed where he should’ve been. It seemed impossible that Cassian wouldn’t be there to fight at your side, to hold you close and kiss you like you were the only person in the galaxy. 

The thought of living without Cassian Andor made you sick to your stomach and sobs finally escaped you as you fell to your knees. The sobs were those a person never wanted to hear, the kind that spoke of true loss and absolute heartbreak. 

You couldn’t do anything but sob, hunched over as the cries kept coming, even as the ship shook and the fighting carried on around you. 

“Hey!” You looked up when you heard a fist thumping against the window of one of the rooms behind you and saw the door was jammed. “Please, he's coming.” 

Somehow you forced your body up and though the tears kept falling you made your way over to the door, you and the man both trying to push it open without success. 

The man’s head whipped around and you sniffed as you followed his gaze, seeing Vader stood at the end of the corridor.

“You have to get this to Leia Organa.” He told you, voice shaking as he held the information Cassian had died to get. 

Another sob escaped you at the thought. 

“Please!” He begged when you didn’t move to take it and you finally nodded, taking it as Vader marched towards the man. “Go!”

You did as he said, hearing the choked cries from behind you as you ran, crashing into droids and people because your vision was so blurred from the tears still making their way down your face.

This was Cassian’s last sacrifice, he had given his life to get this information to the Rebellion and you were going to make sure his last act was carried out. 

So you ran, you ran until your sides ached and then some more. From behind you you could hear heavy footsteps and the filtered breathing letting you know no matter how fast you ran you couldn’t outrun Vader. 

But you had to. 

For Cassian. 

You got to the hallway, could see Senator Organa’s daughter waiting for you behind the closed door, her face lighting up when she saw you. You took a deep breath, ignoring the tears and made your way over to her only to be stopped by an invisible force. 

You watched as Leia’s eyes widened and knew without needing to turn around that Vader was close behind you. 

You should have felt scared, should have felt terrified but you didn’t. The only things running through you right now were determination and anger. You knew one way or another you would get the information to Leia, there was no doubt about this, maybe if it hadn’t been Cassian’s last act but it was and you needed to see it finished. 

The anger was intense. 

You could feel it lighting you up from inside, such a drastic shift from the numbness you had felt only moments before and you used that determination and anger to force your feet forward, to fight against whatever was trying to hold you in place. 

It took all your concentration to put one foot in front of the other, a task that was made harder as Vader’s invisible grip on you only seemed to tighten but you made it to the door by some miracle. 

You pressed the button to open it and swallowed against the lump in your throat as it jammed, only opening the smallest amount. 

From behind you the heavy footsteps got closer and closer and when you glanced back you saw Vader was only a few steps behind, seconds away from you. 

“Princess Leia,” you whispered and she looked back towards you, a sorry look on her face. “Go.”

As discreetly as you could you moved your hand holding the data towards the small crack in the door and pushed it through. Leia’s eyes widened but a second later you felt her fingers brush against yours and the data was with her. 

‘Thank you.’ She mouthed and you nodded before closing your eyes, feeling Vader behind you before he turned you around and pinned you to the wall with the Force, your feet dangling from the ground. 

“You lost, Vader. The Rebellion will always win.” You told him, glaring at him even as the tears still slid down your cheeks. 

“Give me the information.” He demanded and you let out a laugh that sounded hysterical as it mixed with a sob. 

“You lost.” You repeated through gritted teeth as Leia’s ship disengaged from yours and Vader’s head snapped around to stare as his information was taken.

“You will not live to see what becomes of your precious Rebellion.” Vader told you and you could hear his rage even through the modulator, his words and anger only making you smile even with the tears still running down your face.

“You already ended my life when you blew that base up. You killed the man who means everything to me. Killing me now would only be a merciful act. I don’t need to live to see what will become of the Rebellion, I already know they will win. I only want to be with him now.” 

“Pathetic.” Vader told you and your smile widened into a grin even as an invisible force tightened its grip around your throat.

You knew what would come next, knew that there was no chance of you leaving the ship and you didn’t care. You knew you were about to die and you didn’t care, there was no fear, no desperation, no part of you wanted to scream and plead with Vader to let you go, to show mercy and spare your life.

No, you were ready for what Vader was about to do to you. You were ready to die because no part of you could envision a life without Cassian by your side. 

A galaxy without Cassian Andor seemed impossible. 

You had completed his mission, the two of you working as a team one last time to bring the information that would lead to the downfall of the Empire. You only hoped that when the end came Cassian would be waiting for you on the other side, the two of you ready to start whatever adventure waited for you after death together, hand in hand.

Vader tightened his invisible grip around your neck and you could feel your pulse stuttering, straining against the grip and your vision began to blur and darken. Even as you felt yourself slipping from consciousness you didn’t panic.

Instead you let your lips pull into a smile, it was a barely there smile but it was visible enough to make Vader snarl and tighten his grip even more causing a choked sob to escape you but the smile never faded even as you did. 

You were at peace.

You would see Cassian again soon enough.

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