Just A Look

Just a Look

I saw you on Monday, and you saw me, too. This time, I was brave enough to look at you directly. I glanced at you first, hoping that you didn't see me looking. I'm not sure if you did.

I was secretly (not-so-secretly) hoping you were watching me that day, despite the fact that the thought of you watching me stopped my breathing.

As I walked to the exit, it felt like time slowed down. I was brave! I was brave, and I looked at you. And, to my surprise, you looked back. Maybe it was for a few seconds. Maybe it was a split second--I'm not sure. But I didn't expect it, so after a moment I turned away and apparently tried to play it cool by flipping my hair. I didn't even think, it just happened. I felt shy.

I feel like a chump admitting this, but that momentary eye-contact made my day. I feel like even more of a chump also admitting that I hope one day you'll talk to me again.

Tonight I saw a really neat bird (a juvenile yellow-crowned night-heron), and I thought of you. I was super excited about it and got an awesome photo. I wish I had someone to share it with (someone who'd be equally as excited to see it).

One day, I'll find my person, and we'll be excited about all the little things together.

Dear ex-best friend,

I have too much to say to you, but words won't leave my mouth because I'm in a state of shock.

You lied about having romantic feelings for me for SEVEN years despite knowing that some of the worst betrayals I've experienced were due to male "friends" pretending to be actual friends when they really wanted something romantic.

I forgave you for that because I truly love you as a person and that won't ever change. I even forgave you despite your timing. You decided to confess to me while I was sobbing and seeking comforting words from my "best friend" after I was rejected by someone I adored.

I didn't say much when you told me. I just cried harder on the phone and played nice as I slipped into a state of derealization that lasted for weeks.

Then, you texted me, demanding to know when I'd have an answer for you about when I was willing to meet up with you. I didn't answer...because I'm not sure how I feel or what to do. I don't have romantic feelings for you. I never have, and I told you this last time we spoke. That won't change. So, what am I to do? You want to remain friends because I'm your "only friend". But you mentioned something about "if we date", right after I said I don't have feelings for you.

That was what I feared--that you'd remain my "friend" but secretly resent me for not becoming more despite my clearly stated intentions.

If that's the sort of friendship you offer, then I don't want it. I deserve more than that, and so do you. I know what it's like to be where you are. I know what it's like to have that everlasting hope that "maybe they'll change their mind".

Now, you text me again to demand more of me while you hurl insults and start your text with, "Disrespectfully".

I know you're angry. I know you're hurt. But how dare you speak to me like that? If your intention is to push me farther away, then it's working.

I feel like I don't know who you are anymore. Something I love about you is how empathetic you are. Where is your empathy now, for me, your supposed "only friend"?

I should've answered your text from last time. I know that, and I've punished myself because I know it so deeply. I'm sorry that I left you hanging. I won't try to explain why I did anymore. Because *I* still feel empathy toward you.

See what happened here? See what happened AGAIN?

I'm not putting anyone else first anymore. I'm done with that.

Our friendship was based on one big fucking lie, and I feel violated. I wouldn't have let you hang out at my home, wouldn't have shared with you about my relationships, and I wouldn't have dressed up with you on Halloween IF I knew you had feelings for me. You knowingly lied to me and disrespected your own partner and the partners I had throughout our "friendship".

Fuck you. FUCK YOU. Because I was truly fooled by you. You gave me hope that not all men are the same, and then you ripped the hope out of my cold, tired hands.

Fuck. You.

“The best kind of people are the ones who come into your life, and make you see the sun where you once saw clouds. The people who believe in you so much, you start to believe in you too. The people who love you, simply for being you.”

— Unknown

You said you liked me, and I liked you, too.

It was refreshing to move slowly--to not rush into things. To ease into the physical affection and the romance.

Slow was what I needed.

The last person I dated SA'd me on our second date and acted like it was nothing. It was oh so familiar. My body remembers how to freeze like it always does.

You didn't do any of that, and I was so glad.

I know it's selfish to say this, but I wish I had more time with you. I wish that your feelings didn't change so swiftly.

I won't chase after you, though. I respect your decision.

Thank you for being kind to me.

Seeing you used to make me feel warm.

But today, the thought of seeing you sent me into a dysregulated panic. I trembled uncontrollably and felt like I was going to pass out or throw up.

I don't feel safe around you anymore.