Crowleys Phobia

Crowley’s Phobia

Now, we’re all scared of something, right? Everyone is. Even a demon from Hell.

Crowley isn’t scared of heights or death or anything like that. Not like a normal person would be. What Crowley has a phobia of is germs.

This may sound weird, but hear me out.

Crowley hates messes. It’s why his flat is so sparse, because he’d rather have a select few possessions he can take care of easily, rather than a cluttered mess that would sit there and collect dust for ages. This is also why he bullies his plants so much- because if one of them gets sick or eaten, it could mean the existence of bugs in his house, which is a terrible thought to him.

One of Crowley’s personal tortures in Hell is being in a room filled with trash- mold, and dust, and just any type of disgusting things you can think of. He hates it. Every demon hates Hell (it’s part of Hell’s charm) but very, very few of them hate being confronted with their worst fears so much that they practically run away to act like a human for six thousand years.

In fact, one of the only things he can remember liking about Heaven was the cleanliness. Angels are nothing if not neat, and that was one habit Crowley never got rid of in his time as a demon. (Other things Crowley has been heard to describe Heaven as are less pleasant, some of the politest of which are boring and mentally and emotionally abusing and manipulative.)

Crowley loves Time, because it takes him steadily away from the 14th century. And he hates the 14th century because he has germaphobia. Everything about the hygiene levels in that time remind him of his own personal Hell. He literally slept through the entire Black Death, because the thought of being out in the open while bacteria were making people drop like flies in the open streets is such a horrible thought to him.

Even now, during the present time, he tries his absolute hardest to avoid germs. He’d rather burn food that fell on the floor than eat it; as opposed to Aziraphale, who could and would be willing to pick up a piece of sushi off the floor and eat it. (Once, Aziraphale tried to explain the five-second rule to Crowley. The angel stopped halfway through the explanation when he saw the look of absolute horror and disgust on Crowley’s face.)

I’m not sure if this makes any sense to y’all, but this is just my headcanon and I’ll take it to the grave if I have to.

I’m ace/aro, and like... I don’t want a romantic partner. Like, ever.

I’m currently in a romantic relationship and... it’s really damn awkward because since COVID happened we’ve talked a total of four times. Four. In a year. I’m seeing him tomorrow and I’m planning on breaking up with him. I thought I felt attraction to him a year ago, but I really don’t.

I don’t ever want a romantic partner. What I do want is a roommate who will platonically cuddle me and be nice and give me hugs and help cook and be supportive of me without being romantically into me. I don’t want a relationship. I want cuddles and friends.

That’s it. That’s literally my life goal is to live a domestic life with a ROOMMATE, not a partner.

So I was messing around on an incorrect quote generator, and... these are all amazingly accurate and/or just funny? I had an absolute blast reading and wheezing over these.

A Boo who doesn’t feel male or female is called Non-Boonary, I don’t make the rules it’s just fact.

Crowley: So the tea is that-

Beelzebub: For the last godblessed time, Crowley, it’s a report of your monthly demonic activities, not tea! Refer to it correctly!

Crowley: Look, do you want the tea or not, buddy?

"Relationships are like World Wars. After the first one ended, everyone thought a second one wasn't necessary."

-Mr. L, sometime probably