I Wish I Was Dead So Badly...

i wish i was dead so badly...

like if i could take a pill and just die i would gulp that shit down in half a nanosecond

but i don't have access to poison...

god why does living have to be this hard

PLEASE JUST LET ME FUCKING DIE

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS DIFFICULT???

i just. wish i wasn't useless. i want to die. i want to kill myself. i would be better as a corpse. but i fucking can't. i wish i could- but i can't! god im so fucking pathetic. why am i like this? why am i like this? why am i like this? i just wanna die. i wish i was never born. i would be better if i was never born. but i was. and now im here being a fucking burden on everyone i love. i hate myself so so much.

September is suicide prevention month which means that for next few however many weeks, there is going to be a lot of posts saying "you're not alone," you matter," "suicide isn't the solution," and "there is so much to live for," and i won't deny that those words are true and may resonate with many people, but as someone who has dealt with suicidal thoughts MY WHOLE LIFE, that just doesn't help me. so i'm going to make the post that would've helped me as a kid.

it's not your fault that you are the way you are. i know you think you would be better off being a little less, less and less and less and dead. then you'd be loved by the people around you. you'd be loved by the world, the sun in winter, the fish in the ocean, the stars in the night, the music on the radio. being dead will not make you any easier to love, and even if it did, you won't get to receive that love because you will be dead. you think you don't belong in this world, and don't listen to everyone who says "you'll find your place" because you don't need to find "your place," it is not your responsibility to belong.

look at other's cvts > get irrationally jealous > feel guilt > contemplate relapse > repeat

HELP 😭😭