-A Better Place-

-A Better Place-

Shattered into pieces

Given up for dead. 

A pain that never ceases

All thoughts are born from dread.

Wisk me away to a better place,

Where words do nothing but sing.

Where time is asleep, and not in this chase,

Where dreams can be filled with anything.

I’m angry at everything

And sad at nothing

And scared I’m showing it all.

I look in myself

And see an empty bookshelf

Of all the words i left unsaid.

And When I close my eyes

Leaving only relief and silked sighs

I find nothing but darkness in dreams.

They wretch my soul

Hands on my wrists and feet they pull

And maggots they shove down my throat.

No rest for a saint

Whose been pulled down from those pearly gates

And now rests as a sinner in Hell.

But rest I wish for

And dream of in waking moments

And whisper into the iced wind.

To be with you once more

To rest from this constant bloody war

To fall into your arms and sleep.

To smile again

Find the hand of a friend

To snack on blushing cherry reds.

So I’ll pray and I’ll sow

And raise my face to the sky 

And wait for the lily white flakes.

Soft kisses on my nose

As the snow gently blows

That’s when I’ll know it is done.

The red peels away

And your with me to stay

And my breath puffs out like smoke.

Mistakes

You know those days when you look back on your day and it seems like you did every single thing wrong that you could do wrong and you realize that you broke all the promises you made to yourself just the night before. In those moments sometimes the only thing you can do is just go to sleep and try again tomorrow. 

So many times I let all the mistakes of yesterday ruin all my efforts today. As much as it’s cheesy it’s actually true, treat everyday as a new day. Leave all the crap and broken promises in the past, and just try to make the next day better. 

There is no use worrying about how much of a putz you were yesterday AND also worrying that you’ll make the same mistakes today. 

The only way to get through this life is to understand that mistakes are a part of it, and just because most people hide their blunders doesn’t mean you are the only one that makes them. 

I don’t mean to sound preachy. I, myself, am still struggling to move my brain from ‘knowing this’ to ‘believing this’.

But just thought I’d put it out there.

For those who think they’re alone in their darkness

Everything is shifting so fast, changing, moving on. But I am stuck here, stumbling, unsure of where I stand. I just keep searching for someone to understand. Understand what I fight, the pain that I live through, the darkness I see. I search the world for tears, to match my own. And in a world drowning in sadness, I can’t find any. Tears are hidden, tears are shame. I should know, I hide my own. My unshed tears drip down my face, cupping my plaster smile in an embrace of sorrow. No one will know. But still I do search. Search for that second where a smile fades from the eye and sadness grips the heart. The moment when the eyes begin to cry, but don’t. Instead they hold it all in, the pain and regret and despair. But the more the pain, the more the suffering, the less you see it in their eyes. Because the eyes can only hold so many tears. So as they try flowing out, they are pushed back, dripping down your throat into your lungs and finally, back into your heart. And that’s when I know, they understand me. When their eyes deaden, their face goes slack, and I know then, it was too much for their eyes to hold. Too much for them to show. They walk around with empty eyes, and poison eating at their heart. But no one sees. No one sees like I see. But tired I am, of searching for empty eyes. Because the more I look, the more I see. The more I see that it is everywhere, in everything. Everyone is crying, tears of glass, collecting in their heart. 

Then I think, if sadness is all around me, why do I feel so lonely? Misunderstood, judged. Does acknowledging my sorrow take away your ability to deny yours? Is depression something we just want to shove in a small box and tuck away, denying that it exists? Something to apologize for when it shows its face? Why are we so afraid to admit that it’s there? 

Of course, some people can’t shove it into a box. No, it is woven into everything else that we are. It simply can’t fit into such a small box. We can’t hide it anywhere. So maybe we just hide ourselves somewhere. Somewhere dark, where the darkness inside can feel safe. Safe to exist. Safe to be a part of us. 

Don’t look me in the eyes. Because it’s still there. No matter how many times I push it down, you can see it in my eyes. It filled my heart, and lungs, and throat. So now, it rests in my eyes, always. And now, they can’t flow in. Only out. I can’t hide anymore, and I’m scared to death that you’ll see. Tears shattering on the ground, sobs clawing themselves out of my throat, emotion racking my body with convulsions. You will see the fear seizing my muscles, sending shivers through my nerves. You will see my crumpled body, broken spirit, shattered mind. I’ll be laid bare, vulnerable, at your mercy. Basically begging for your kindness, destroyed by a simple smile or crushed by a careless word. And that is something I won’t do. Not again. Never again.

Some are quick to laugh.

Some are quick to cry.

Some are quick to leave.

Yes, sadly, some are quick to die. 

But even though they left swiftly,

they are slow to leave our hearts.

For though it was a quick greeting,

that’s how each friendship starts.

And ours will last forever,

not something death can break.

It’s too slow to reach ‘The End’,

so the idea of leaving just won’t take. 

Even so, I’ll miss you right dreadful,

every day that I don’t hear you speak.

But each tear that I let fall down my face,

these simple words I just repeat.

Some were quick to anger,

while you were quick to love.

So I’ll be quick to show them,

through me your work lives on.

One Lonely Spider

It’s the end of the line for me.

I’m a husk 

Empty

Shattered

One lonely spider dangling on a string.

What happens when the legs break and silk crumbles?

Hang on, it cries to itself,

But not courage, not will, can stop that broken little spider from falling.

And fall it does

Down 

Down

Down the drain broken legs and all

Not a sad fate though

For the spider simply was too small

Too small and the world too big

Its fate was set from the very first breath 

The moment its young legs touched the ground.

I can only feel bad for the spider that tried

To exist in a world built for the grand.

Farewell child

Farewell and good luck

Pray you don’t leave behind hate and pain and hurt

That they will forgive you when you go

For your broken legs could only hold you so long

No more pain, is that so wrong?