Calculester: Hey. I Heard You Impaled A Guy With A Machine Gun And Shot Three Other People While It Was

Calculester: Hey. I heard you impaled a guy with a machine gun and shot three other people while it was still in his chest. Is that...?

Damien: Lies. Filthy Lies.

Calculester: Oh, good. Because--

Damien: It was FOUR people.

Sometimes, when I'm really frustrated and need to clear my head, I just get into my golf cart and floor it around campus. Speed limit's five miles per hour, but I'll go six or seven. I don't care.

—Oz, just casually running over students and teachers with his golf cart at 7 mph because he's mad

Brian upon being asked by one of the 8 if they can date his friends

Brian: What is this, the 1950's?? You know what, since you asked: No, you have to defeat me in sword battle if you ever want to talk to them again-

Brian: You are literally dating the most beautiful person alive.

Brian: Aka me.

Brian: Earlier I ate a whole bag of glitter so the inside will look as good as the outside.

Liam: You wha— We are going to the hospital.

Brian: Good cause I think I’m dying.

Polly: Ten years ago today, I married my best friend.

Polly: Vicky is still angry about it, but Miranda and I were drunk and thought it was funny.

Miranda: Why would you think any of this was a good idea?

Damien: Probably because I’m a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence.

Miranda:

Damien: I don’t know how you keep forgetting this.