I Finished They Both Died At The End Last Night.

I finished they both died at the end last night.

Now that we're all on the same page and understand the level of my emotional trauma :)

There was a moment, when we read from the perspective of Andrea Donahue (Chapter 14) early on in the book, and in this chapter she is talking about how she rushed through her names today and hopes she dosen't get audited and have her calls reviewed tonight. And God knows, I spent the rest of the book thinking she had made a mistake. That Mateo Torez was not going to die because some lady who hated her job, didn't care enough to make sure she did it right. That Rufus was going to show him how to break out and the importance of living and Rufus would die but Mateo would live on for both of them--

Of course, it was never hinted at again and my hope wavered but it was always there. And yet, when it happened-- or rather didn't? Good God, it hurt like hell.

and look at us

with our man-made streetlight stars

violently tearing open the dark

drowning out any notion of anything

not crafted by our own

will and want and fear

and look at us

wishing on shooting street light stars

we pass on the drive home

hoping for things we are told to want

making wishes that aren't really ours

longing for dreams only seen in the distance

illuminated by the glow of the city

PSA: High Warlocks/ Sons of Princes of Hell like to wear their husband's boyfriend's hoodies too ♡

PSA: Mortal queens of faerieland like to wear their boyfreind's husband's hoodies too ♡

I am so sick of this falling out of love

Of this promising more than I have to give

Of going to bed hungry because I have given my share to feed something insatiable

i am not hungry

just not full

and oh

what it is like to be insatiable

Oh and what it is like

To wake into a world

That expects your existence

The gentle ache of exhaustion

Is so much heavier

The moment your feet

Kiss the bedroom floor

And you inhale the scent of another day

That you have no choice but to waste

Tie another knot

In my worn thread of life

Double wrap it around my wrist

Tuck it under my sleeve

And hope today is not the day

It will choose to come undone

Hope I will notice the slipping, the loosening

Though I think i know

I wont

There are only so many things

That will absorb your sadness

And so I resort to leaving melancholy fingerprint stains

On all the happy things too

As though i cannot help it

But I could if I  wanted to

Its just so much easier

To have a full cup of grief

Than one a quarter full of something less heartbreaking

Look at beautiful things you can't have

On the walk to the bus

Wish them all well

Wonder what it might be like

To exist beautifully

Outside of theory

~Soft September Sadness~