Do I Deserve This - Tumblr Posts

I got broken up with like..a week ago? A month? Atm it feels like yesterday.

There's a lot of layers of suck to this situation.

The reason things broke off was because im not the best and regulating my emotions. I have moderate to severe depression and anxiety. A lot of hatred and anger towards myself. I'm probably bipolar and a laundry list of other terms to say "im manic and that makes 'normal' functioning hard".

That being said, it was fully a good desicion on her part.

And ive been handling all this really well all things considered. We had a very emotional evening, then i found purchase in focusing on myself creativly. I became more aware of my anger than i ever have, and dispite the fact that it was directed inward, how that can still effect those i care about. Other relationships have strengthened i suppose. Ive become noticably more stoic.

But there's a few feelings i cant shake. An awareness that i haven't fully processed the loss of that relationship. An irrational anger that im handling this healthily? A tightness.

I want to scream for hours. Sob into her chest for days. She was so fucking good for me, and i fucked it up, because i wasnt good for her. Wrong time, wrong place i suppose.

A voice in me wants to self destruct. Just say fuck it, get wasted just to hurt myself. To validate the part of me that tells me im trash whenever it gets the chance.

And now, i have to go to work. At least that makes dissociating come naturally.

If anyone reads this, and you have someone who loves you, truly. Hold them. Hold them as tight and as long as you can. Because one day you may have to let go.