Forgiving - Tumblr Posts
“Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong” - Mahatma Ghandi
This is a spread to help you forgive a person or situation which will then help you move on to become a stronger person. Enjoy! <3
⚠️‼️WARNING- This is a rant about forgiveness and letting go. Centered around my childhood. I keep a lot of things vague but there's mentions of emotional, slight physical abuse and addiction.‼️⚠️
"How can you still love dad but you can't forgive mom? If anything dad was WORSE"
Maybe. Maybe not. You don't even know a thing.
For starters. I HAVE let go of mom. I let her go a long time ago. When I was turning 13, she called me, crying the same crocodile "I'm getting sober and staying sober" tears. And I told her, straight up.
Don't you EVER contact me again without a one year chip, a letter from a sponsor, and can look me in the eyes without crying your lying tears and tell me you've changed.
I haven't heard from her since.
I learned yesterday she died, twice, but they saved her, both times. I didn't feel a single thing about it. I just kept watching my show "Serves her right" and moved on. Because I do NOT give a fuck about her.
I've let go of a lot of what you all have done, in fact. The only reason I let you stay in my life is the fact y'all are more or less sober and more or less functional.
"But dad is as bad an addict. And he's DONE WORSE"
He is. But has he?
Dad never got high and drunk and screamed in my face about how he can kill me, wants to even.
Sure. Dad did scream in my face. Because words were never our strong suit. Communication something his thick bullhead never learned. Because we're two Taurus who do nothing but lock horns and it's the same as how he was raised. Constantly arguing with his mother.
A big difference between our mother and father?
For starters you two were favored by mother.
Father, blessedly, loved me more than the son he'd prayed for. Because I was the only one of us three who was ready to love him when he stepped in and out of our life.
Know why he stepped in and out? To keep us from seeing his worst.
Where mother deemed it suitable to expose her very young children to the monster she was and then blubber on about how sorry she was without trying to make changes.
Dad never apologized for something if he didn't plan to fix it. And he made leaps and bounds while I was living with him and forcing emotions and communication on him.
He was a functional addict, at least. I never had to worry if he'd black out and miss work or wreck the car, or start choking me, or even raise a hand to me.
I pushed him once. I pushed him and screamed and cussed and asked "What!? You finally gonna hit me!?"
He looked horrified at the very notion.
And I was so pissed off at the moment I just laughed and walked away.
And he made me dinner and asked if I wanted to sit at the table with him.
That's another thing. I didn't get a home cooked meal from mom until she married her bitch of a now ex-wife who I had mutual animosity for.
And yes I'm a hypocrite because he's an addict too.
But he was, some how, bipolar as he was, the most stable part of my life.
He was also there for my most crucial moments.
Before my teenage years I lived on and off with him. Running to him for safety, comfort, privacy and space. And as a teenager I ran to him again for the same things. From mid middle school to mid high school, where life is really starting to make sense and you learn who you are as a person and the people you want in your life. It was HIM. There for the mood swings. And yes he gave as good as he got, but damn did he take a lot.
He's also the only THE ONE Person who didn't let my little brother treat me like trash.
I spent YEARS fighting tooth and nail against him, literally, physically.
Brother came to stay with me and dad briefly and he put my brothers shit to a stop so quickly I got whiplash.
He was my literal one and only defender.
Idk. Maybe I'm crazy, stupid, a hypocrite.
And I wouldn't live with him where he is in life right now. Or even permanently with who he was before my stint with him in my beginning-mid teenager years.
But those hm, four-ish years?
They were the most important.
He taught me love takes work. Patience and understanding and hard sweat blood and tears.
I'll never have the dad I loved back.
So I guess now it's time to let him go, too.
But at least, unlike with mom, I can look back on my dad and think. Know. With 100% certainty and his whole heart. He loved me truly, sincerely, even when I was a raging bitch.
So I'll let go. But I don't owe a single person my forgiveness. Not even he gets that.
Apologies,
Apologies,
Apologies.
Forgiving,
Forgiving,
Forgiving.
That's what I've been thaught,
That's what had been forced upon me.
No matter the situation, always apologise,
No matter feelings, always forgive.
Now numbness has settled in my bones, having crushed the warmth that had once been there.
And I can't find it in me to apologise or forgive anymore,
In the end
My apologies
Or forgiveness
Were always fake.
Apologies,
Apologies,
Apologies.
Forgiving,
Forgiving,
Forgiving.
That's what I've been thaught,
That's what had been forced upon me.
No matter the situation, always apologise,
No matter feelings, always forgive.
Now numbness has settled in my bones, having crushed the warmth that had once been there.
And I can't find it in me to apologise or forgive anymore,
In the end
My apologies
Or forgiveness
Were always fake.
Apologies,
Apologies,
Apologies.
Forgiving,
Forgiving,
Forgiving.
That's what I've been thaught,
That's what had been forced upon me.
No matter the situation, always apologise,
No matter feelings, always forgive.
Now numbness has settled in my bones, having crushed the warmth that had once been there.
And I can't find it in me to apologise or forgive anymore,
In the end
My apologies
Or forgiveness
Were always fake.
Does anyone truly know how to forgive?
Can anyone truly accept the cards they've been dealt without an ink droplet of unfairness changing their clear colour?
I wonder how people do it
To look at someone without the burning resentment and hate for the actions they've committed
How does a mother teach her children about forgiveness if she has never felt the mercy of it herself?
How does ones father teach his children about apologies if he has never apologised himself?
Does anyone truly know how to forgive?
Can anyone truly accept the cards they've been dealt without an ink droplet of unfairness changing their clear colour?
I wonder how people do it
To look at someone without the burning resentment and hate for the actions they've committed
How does a mother teach her children about forgiveness if she has never felt the mercy of it herself?
How does ones father teach his children about apologies if he has never apologised himself?
Pain and hope
The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward. ~Steve Maraboli
