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A Letter to my unrequited love - II

{Confessions of a scorpio moon}

You'd dump your trauma on me and I'd take it all happily, thinking it'd help you feel better, lighter. I thought you deserved to feel the happiest. And I'd easily swap your pain with the rare moments of joy I managed to feel. I stayed up at nights listening to you vent about your failed relationships, madly in love with you, shattering silently on the floor of my bedroom, ignoring my pain and paying heed to yours. You always came first, right? You were so dreamy, how could anyone ever hurt you? It felt absolutely cruel. I wanted to nurse your wounds and it was honestly too late when I realized that I was burning myself all throughout to warm you up. I didn't stop though. Why would I? You were someone I'd never want to lose. You made me feel wanted for a short amount of time. Your scraps of love and attention made me feel like a queen. I felt so loved. It touched my heart. No one ever expressed that kind of love to me before. I didn't even love myself half as much as I loved you. I was trained to be a giver, to cater to everyone else's needs and the same pattern unfolded here. You kept depleting me of the little love I had and I didn't mind it. We both would pour our love into you and I'd watch you bloom. You'd give your love to everyone except me. I wanted to claim a piece of your love. Your time. Your attention. I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to go deep into your psyche to understand and explore every bit of you. Everything you did made me fall for you harder and harder. It seemed to me like you enjoyed hurting me. Making me wait. Watching me get jealous. Triggering my childhood wounds. You'd feel cocky and arrogant knowing I was so desperate to talk to you. I'd sacrifice my self-respect and initiate a conversation all the time. You'd play it cool. You were cool. But you were cold. And distant too. You often called me names, insulted me and made me feel like trash. You didn't hesitate to walk all over me or use me like your punchbag. You took your anger out on me and I took the abuse not knowing how to pull myself out of the mess I got into.

I have spent sleepless nights trying to figure out why I wasn't enough. I questioned my worth several times. I never felt like I could match up to you. I could never meet you up there. The more I loved you, the more I began to hate myself. I didn't love myself even half as much as I loved you. It didn't make sense to me. But I didn't care. Until you broke my heart. Brutally. You stabbed my back with a smile on your face. Damn, your smile. It melted my broken heart. I couldn't bring myself to hate you. But I had to. I had to do something about it. I had nothing left. I felt hopeless and powerless. It was the last straw that broke the camel's back. Had it been a little sooner, I wouldn't have to move mountains to heal myself. Maybe it'd come easy.

Thank you for being the braver one among the two of us. One of us had to do it. One of us had to break my heart. Thankyou for leaving me broken. I've built it stronger this time. Don't bother knocking on the door. You're not welcome.

-R

Kinda hate how people suck at establishing + respecting boundaries. They turn every conversation and make it about themselves. They use me as a dumping vessel where they unload all the shit they have piled up, that they've been carrying for years. You could be talking about your trauma and they'd make it about their trauma. I understand you've been through shit, and I would love to be there for you, to lend you an ear and stuff but right now, I'm all over the fucking place and if you want to make this conversation about your experiences, I ask you to leave me the fuck alone. I always try to be there for people, but I don't know how to be there for myself. I hate when people do that. It's okay to be there for someone else without making it about yourself for once. It's disgusting. Stop it. Please.

Mmmh.. one of my closest friends told me they're moving the other day. Like pretty damn far away.

Oh, how I am not handling people leaving.

Right in my attachment issues.. Fucking ouch

I need more booze.

Couldn't even let them know how much I'm gonna miss them. God knows that would make me feel vonerable, weak and exposed. Can't have that.. Moron.

So all I said was "Well, that sucks.."

Pretty sure they could guess how hard I took it tho, concidering I started drinking as if my life depended on it. They were already sad about moving so they joined.. and like.. three days later [?] here we are.. Probably gonna continue tomorrow and saturday too. We're gonna go to some party, fuck knows where. After that well see how I feel..

[I really don't know what's a normal and appropriate reaction to these things.. it's not like they're dead or anything. Although it kinda feels like it right now tbh. Shit like this always me feel like it's not worth keeping people around cause it's just way too painful when they leave. Think this was just the final straw of the shit I was trying to handle rn. Sure I'll feel more at peace with it when I've processed it been drinking some more tho..]