Just In A Different Way - Tumblr Posts

I wasn’t always a Monster. But I don’t think I was ever quite Human, either.

Perhaps I was always Different by their standards. Fascinated by little knickknacks, collecting things. Always acting a little off, always seen as a little weird. Perhaps I was never meant to be Normal. And that’s fine.

But everything changed when He came into our lives.

Then there was loud, there was fear, and I had to grow claws and fangs and be loud too to protect myself from it.

They don’t want you to be loud and fierce at school. When that happened, they would trap me in the corner. Trap me like a beast in a cage and let me roar and attack uselessly until I had no fight left in me.

But they couldn’t remove the claws and fangs, no matter how hard they tried.

Treat me like an animal long enough and I will act like one, and like an animal I longed to escape my cage. So I would try to run, but they would always catch me.

And when I was “home” after they caught me, He would hear about it. He would come by my bedroom where I sat miserably and stare at me with this cold look. He never spoke a word but His expression told me everything. It was beyond disgust. I was less than human in His eyes. I was a beast in a cage to be gawked at.

When I did something the Humans did not like, She would always hesitate to beat me. She claimed it hurt her too. That was a lie. He did not hesitate. He did it with such vigor and malice one might think He enjoyed it.

As monstrous as I am now, I’m nothing compared to Him.

Many years later was when I realized this body wasn’t right for me. I told Her I needed change.

“You can’t go on testosterone. You’re too fat.”

I knew that wasn’t right but I knew I couldn’t get it without Her help, not yet.

I tried to eat less, I tried to become skin and bones to make Her happy but the Hunger only got worse and it became Ravenous. I had to eat more. I had to eat less. It was never enough- it was too much. I must waste away- I must rip Him limb from limb and devour His flesh so that He cannot hurt me anymore. Will the Hunger stop then? Will the Anger stop when he is dead?

I’ve lost weight. It never made a difference. She finds new excuses. That was never the reason.

“I can’t call you ‘it.’ I could never do that to you, it’s dehumanizing.”

She doesn’t realize it’s too late for that. I’m not Human anymore. I’m not Like Her.

And I don’t want to be.

I’m trapped in a cage. Pacing. Freedom is right there but I have nowhere to go.

I should be wild. I should be free. I can’t be wild, I never learned how to hunt. I can’t be tamed, I bite people who get too close. I am neither. I can’t live in the wild or in the home. Where does something like that go?

Maybe I was never Normal. But now I will never be.