Smart Alex - Tumblr Posts

Internal conflict

(WillWare is sitting on a couch with a laptop. Enter Smart Alex.)

Smart Alex: What are you doing?

WillWare: Very little.

Smart Alex: Well, I could tell that much. You're just sitting there.

WillWare: Actually, I could be doing a number of things by "just sitting here," but I'm not even doing those right now, for some reason.

Smart Alex: Then why don't you do something?

WillWare: I want to do something... but I don't really feel like it.

Smart Alex: So you want to, but you don't want to...?

WillWare: Yeah, I guess that sums it up.

Smart Alex: Well, you'll never do anything at that rate. Are you at least breathing?

WillWare: I'm always breathing, smarty.

Smart Alex: Then you ARE doing something.

WillWare: How does that help me at all?

Smart Alex: It helps justify you doing nothing else.

WillWare: I don't NEED justification, else I'll do nothing more than I already am. What I need is motivation.

Smart Alex: You could go make some friends. That might help.

WillWare: And be social? No thanks.

Smart Alex: (looks over at laptop screen) Says the guy sitting at the home page of a forum.

WillWare: That's just words, though. I can take my time formulating them instead of coming up with them on the fly while keeping up with the conversation at hand.

Smart Alex: Yeah, I can tell you're not very good at that.

WillWare: Thanks for the encouragement. And besides, the hardest part of making friends for me is just that - talking to a complete stranger completely out of the blue and asking to be their friend or however it works.

Smart Alex: How did you EVER make friends at school?

WillWare: I don't know. I think most of them just talked to me first. Whatever it is, I don't have the motivation to make friends, so it won't help me do things here anyway.

Smart Alex: During the school year, didn't you always say you wanted to be able to just do nothing for a while so you could have a break? How's that working out for ya?

WillWare: It's not. I guess I did have motivation then, though - I would "take a break" and do something else besides work so that I could willingly procrastinate.

Smart Alex: You're doing that right now!

WillWare: No kidding.

Smart Alex: No, I mean you're taking a break from all these things that you consider "fun" because they're so much work. You just need some time to do absolutely nothing, because the school year was draining. It was your senior year, was it not?

WillWare: Yeah, but that doesn't mean I want to take the whole summer off from having fun. That's what summer's about. This is the last summer I can willingly take off and not have to work, so I want to spend it doing fun things.

Smart Alex: So you have the exact same reasons for working and not working?

WillWare: ...what?

Smart Alex: You don't want to work because you spent the whole year working, and you'll have to work for the rest of your life after this. Yet you want to work (on fun things) because you spent the whole year working, and you'll have to work for the rest of your life after this.

WillWare: I guess that about sums it up...

Smart Alex: Looks like you're stuck in a loop, then. Either you want to do something or you don't. You won't figure it out like this. And with you stuck in your reasoning, trying to figure out how to motivate yourself, you end up doing absolutely nothing in the meantime. You may just have to tell yourself to do something.

WillWare: But--

Smart Alex: No, wait, let me answer that one for you: "But that takes work!"

WillWare: That's not what I was going to say.

Smart Alex: Then what was it? Or does saying that require effort too?

WillWare: I was GOING to say that it wasn't enough to get me moving.

Smart Alex: No willpower? What's your name again?

(WillWare stares sternly at Smart Alex.)

Smart Alex: Anyway, I have somewhere to be. I'd invite you, but it involves... other people. And effort. You have fun with whatever you decide for yourself. (Exit.)

(Momentary silence.)

WillWare: (to himself) I think I need some friends.

(WillWare resumes typing on his laptop.)

[WillWare is sitting in his room, playing on his computer. Enter Smart Alex.]

WillWare: Oh, hey there.

Smart Alex: Alone in your room again? What are you up to by yourself?

WillWare: I'm messing with the new update for my game. I've been waiting for it for so long!

Smart Alex: I see. Why aren't you, say, doing things with other people, like you said you wanted to now that you're in college?

WillWare: ...well, I suppose I COULD be streaming this.

Smart Alex: That's not what I meant at all.

WillWare: Hey, I've been connecting with some people on the Internet. I should get points for that.

Smart Alex: And how does that count for anything?

WillWare: Because before, I was apprehensive about letting some random person on the Internet be on my friends list. Now I have several of them.

Smart Alex: Did you actively seek them? Are you the one who sent the friend request?

WillWare: ...no. They requested me first.

Smart Alex: And you probably accepted because rejecting it would be rude, didn't you? Predictable.

WillWare: Hey, that's not true!

Smart Alex: Either way, that still doesn't count. What have you done recently to make some REAL-LIFE friends?

WillWare: I went to the BCM. I made some friends there. Then I went to the worship service with them.

Smart Alex: Did you? How courageous of you.

WillWare: *sternly* I went because I was invited.

Smart Alex: And how did that go?

WillWare: I left immediately afterwards because I ran out of energy.

Smart Alex: I see. Have you gone since?

WillWare: It hasn't even been a week, dude!

Smart Alex: Right, but it's open all the time for people to just hang out. You know, like normal people do.

WillWare: Yeah, I know. I haven't had the energy to.

Smart Alex: Maybe you should work some up, because this is getting pathetic. You can't even be bothered to go to a FRIENDLY environment.

WillWare: Do you even know about how being an introvert works? It takes energy for me to be social. I recuperate when I'm alone. I can't just overthrow my internal workings.

Smart Alex: Then what's all of this talk about overcoming your introversion...?

WillWare: That takes time. In the meantime, I'm chatting with my friends on the Internet.

Smart Alex: What's so different about it anyway?

WillWare: Well you seem to think there's a difference.

Smart Alex: There's a difference between having a friend in real life and on the Internet, but not so much how you interact with those people. If you can chat with someone just fine in a chat box, you can do it in real time.

WillWare: For some reason, it doesn't take as much out of me. I don't know what it is.

Smart Alex: Well, you'll need to figure it out, otherwise this'll happen every weekend from now until you graduate.

WillWare: As much as I want to say you're right, it's still not as easy as you make it sound.

Smart Alex: It IS easy. Watch, I'm going to chat with friends now. [Exit.]

WillWare: HEY, where are you... *sigh* Whatever. I guess I'll stream or something.

[WillWare resumes playing on his computer.]

[WillWare is sitting in his room, alone. Enter Smart Alex.]

Smart Alex: Hey look, you're in your room by yourself again. Looks like you've been busy, eh?

WillWare: As a matter of fact, I HAVE been busy. Been hanging with friends and getting work done. It's been a productive couple of weeks.

Smart Alex: Wow! Impressive. Sounds like things are going pretty well for you, for once.

WillWare: Har har.

Smart Alex: Ever start any of those projects you've been jabbering about so much?

WillWare: No, not yet. Haven't found the motivation. I'm enjoying the ride right now.

Smart Alex: What's to lose? What, are you afraid something's gonna come along and kill your progress? That's never stopped you before, heh.

WillWare: ...

Smart Alex: ...Wait, you're serious.

WillWare: A little bit, yeah...

Smart Alex: Come on, dude! It's not like the universe is going to kill you if you try something new.

WillWare: It's not about trying something new!

Smart Alex: Then what is it? Scared? Too much work? Not enough people breathing down your back? I bet I can get someone on your case if you--

WillWare: I'm scared I can't finish what I start, okay?

Smart Alex: ...Something from the outside, or something from the inside? Cause I've got a pet snake, I can make it something external.

WillWare: [mutters] where the hell did you get a snake

Smart Alex: Tell you what, I can make this one easy. Finish this conversation.

WillWare: ...what?

Smart Alex: Finish this conversation with me. Right now. That way you've finished something. Confidence!

WillWare: Is this a trick? [glances around for camera] Are you setting me up?

Smart Alex: What? No. I'm trying to be nice to you. I know that's not exactly normal of me, so you should take advantage of it.

WillWare: But--

Smart Alex: If you doubt my generosity on this one, I could just stay here for a few hours and leave on my own terms.

WillWare: ...Um... Okay then. Thanks for coming by.

Smart Alex: See you later! And do get some work done, won't you? [Exit.]

[WillWare pulls out his computer and starts clicking away furiously.]

Smart Alex: [from behind] How's it going?

WillWare: HOLY FRICK-- [jumps] WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?!?

Smart Alex: Good, you're hard at work. Get back to it!

[Smart Alex pats WillWare on the back before leaving. WillWare grumbles as he resumes working.]

so it turns out most people don't have an internal dialogue and i'm only just realizing this...

early on with this very blog, i would make posts that were a dialogue between myself and a character called "Smart Alex," who would frequently criticize my life decisions and occasionally offer genuinely useful advice for getting myself unstuck.

whenever i made those posts i would get concerned questions from my friends asking me who Smart Alex is, if he was a real person or some kind of imaginary friend, if i was hearing voices... and i had to explain that no, i'm okay, it's just a portrayal of my anxious thoughts.

those anxious thoughts were a very real "voice" in my head, though – frequently at odds with my own internal voice, criticizing my every action and thought, and generally playing out exactly as written in those posts. an internal dialogue, if you will, externalized as a blogpost.

i've always had some kind of internal dialogue like this – sometimes criticizing, sometimes comforting – but never just one voice. i've never questioned it, it's just a normal part of living and thinking for me.

it turns out, this isn't normal. most people have ONE internal voice, an internal MONOlogue. the idea of multiple internal voices is difficult to fathom – hence, all the concerned messages about who this "Smart Alex" is.

this ties into another recent realization from May that i don't really talk about much: as it turns out, i'm plural. the gist of it is that i've started giving names and support to each of my internal voices so we can work together, rather than co-opting and fighting each other.

we still prefer to operate as a unit, one singular Sky, so that's what you can expect from us most of the time. but we're discovering how deeply plurality affects our lives: distinct Boy and Girl voices that make up our genderfluidity, self-criticisms that inform our anxiety...

and while "Smart Alex" is no longer a recognizable voice within me, it's interesting to see the seeds of plurality within – as far back as high school! – and that this internal dialogue truly has always been a part of how my brain operates.

anyway i wanted to post this because i've gone twenty-something years of my life not realizing that an internal dialogue is "weird." so to anyone else who didn't realize, or couldn't put it into words, i hope this helps you make sense of it!

and remember: just because it's Weird, doesn't mean it's Wrong. an internal dialogue can be a beautiful thing... when it's working together.