Social Anxiety Disorder - Tumblr Posts

No one tells you going on social anxiety medication means you can watch Among us streams, and that is criminal

I think my anxiety was gone for the day actually. I’m back to feel like a suicidal wet noodle on the sidewalk. I miss simply not giving a single shit. Today was fun. Menace behavior is so enriching actually

Living in a horrible cycle where I bounce between wanting copious amounts of attention immediately, and wanting nobody to notice I exist ever forever

Seriously, I’ve just about hit six months on medication and I’m like 35% more normal now this is amazing

“I've spent most of my life and most of my friendships holding my breath and hoping that when people get close enough they won't leave, and fearing that it's a matter of time before they figure me out and go.”

Shauna Niequist Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way

Something I posted on my Instagram yesterday:

— how my life has changed in 2019

So I promised to make a caption about this, and while I’m here right now listening to the Dear Evan Hansen Soundtrack and crying about it, I decided to finally write it all down. I have always been rather open about my private life on this account, because I like to be honest and true and I’d like people to know me as I truly am. One thing I mentioned a few times but never went into detail about is my mental condition. I have social anxiety and I’ve probably had it all my life (according to my parents) but it got worse during my early teenage years, due to a toxic friend (according to my therapist). I’ve only come to admit this condition to myself about two years prior. I got a therapist and I’ve been in therapy ever since with sessions every once in a while and it did help me a lot. What helped me even more though was a fresh start, which is what leads me to this year.

At the beginning of this year my ex boyfriend of two years broke up with me. I haven’t realized how much I attached myself to him and relied on him until I was truly on my own again, and god did it help me to get more independent and myself again. A few months later I graduated, so once again one chapter of my life that was behind me. I had to get into university. But before that I had months to find myself, and god did this summer make me happy and confident. I went to see my therapist more often again and he encouraged me to take more risks (risks as in talking to people more often, forcing myself out of my shell, take the anxiety with me and push through it) and I did. I also spend a lot of time reading and painting/drawing which helped me, too, because it calms my nerves and helps me escape my life for a bit.

University started and I knew no one. Awful conditions for someone with social anxiety, great for someone who’s fighting it. I’m still struggling with making friends to this day, but I am learning and I can see and appreciate the progress I’m making. I try to go out more often and take risks and text people even though I’m terrified. I try to go to people I know from class and talk to them, even if it’s just “hi” and honestly it makes me feel powerful, because finally I’m not just letting the fear push me down but instead I’m pushing back, fighting with all my might, even if that might is just a shy “hello, how are you today?”. I try to go out more often, to parties or even on dates or trips from my university. I show up to my classes and lectures as much as I can. I even go to the loo in the middle of class and raise my hand to participate even though I have only known my classmates for a few months instead of years. It’s baby steps, but it’s something. I’ve still got a long way to go but I’m working on it and I know eventually I will get there. This year is solid proof for that, and I’m so incredibly thankful for everything and everyone that helped me get where I am today.

Another thing that changed besides my anxiety is how I view myself. I used to dislike me and my looks like any broody teenager. I’ve grown up. I appreciate my body and everything it does for me. I try to keep it healthy and changed to a mainly plant based diet and go for a lot of long walks. I’ve lost a lot of weight through that, which is good if you keep in mind that I was on the cusp of being overweight for quite some time. I’m now a healthy average weight for my height. I feel so much better and more beautiful and healthy.

So as you see, a lot of things changed this year for the better for me and even though there was a lot of stress and anxiety and heartbreak, it was absolutely and completely worth it and I couldn’t be more grateful.

You will be found, hopefully, and most importantly, by yourself.

don’t know who needs to hear this right now but call. your. therapist. make an appointment. write them an email. take care of your mental health.