Timedthoughts - Tumblr Posts

Timed Thoughts. Nightime

11:59pm

She was frustrated and she frowned rubbing her hand mindlessly over her face. She relocated her fallen glasses in front of her eyes and tried to focused on the words that were written on her open notebook. But slowly the words turn to gribbles and she suddenly banged her fisted against her desk where her computer was open and her cheeks started dripping tears. Her notebooks fell to the floor and she took her glasses fast slamming them against the wooden desk. She stood up from her blue chair rubbing repeatedly her tired arms over her ever aging face. Her knees then gave up and she fell feeling how her lung felt suddenly tight and hand trouble breathing. The standards were too high this time. She didn’t know how to meet them. Everyone expected her to ace the next trial, but she didn’t know how. It was foolish of her to be crying on the floor frustrated to accomplish an expectation she put over herself. But if she hadn’t done that how would other even give her another glance. She just was boring to the eyes of everyone. She grasped the foot of her bed and held it tight making her sit up. Everyone knew her because of it. Because of her beautiful works and her long explanations. That's why she even remembered. No one ever bother to get to know her. That’s why she loved so many books. They didn’t have any condition or expectation, but books wouldn’t save her this time. Around her eyes her skin became reddish and sobs escaped her mouth and she furiously banged her head against her mattress. Then remembering she wasn’t alone in her apartment she became silent letting the mattress go and forcing herself to sit on her blue chair. Delicately she picked her notebooks from the floor and placed them open on the last page she was. But she still couldn’t understand her own letter. The words would stay on her mind and she then failed. She knew that she wouldn’t to pass the test the way everyone expected and the way she wanted. She was hopeless. Gripping her forearms she started digging her nails into her own flesh feeling the sensation liberation. She rather feel physical pain that emotional. Her mind was far too weak to endure it successfully. Tears then came once again, but this time no sound came from her mouth. She bit her lips keeping them sealed. She glanced at her desk. Notebooks splattered, notes scattered and pens rolling; it was a mess just like her.  Taking her glasses she started at them and then turned herself to face the mirror that was placed beside her desk. She was disgusted with herself even more than she constantly was. Her reflection gave the image of a girl who’s hair was taken out messily out of a bun and her face was detailed with red skin and her open arms gave the view of her bleeding scratches. She knew she wasn’t beautiful, but she thought that if she was at least the smartass that somehow made up for all her other faults, but she now knew she would never amount to anything important. She would live her life being the nightmare she always feared. She feared being unimportant, being forgotten as easily as she came. Everything was in a deathly quiet and her mind whispered dangerous ideas. Her hand gripped the glasses tighter making them break. Nonchalantly she picked one broken piece of glasses and pressed it against her forearms making a gash appear.  The clock hand’s on her night stand slowly showed how the time passed and she found herself alone in the midnight and after taking a napkin she cleaned herself up. She erased any memory of ever having her breakdown. Smart girls didn’t make mistakes and if they did nobody ever truly knew. She would be a smart girl at least this time, at least this night. Sitting once again of her chair she took her notebook and started rereading the lines on her page making them somehow coherent. She would pass even if that drive her crazy. Because she was Taisa, she was the smart girl who was stupid enough to think that she come even scratch the top of perfection.

12:26pm

And my heart was made out of paper and all you did was stand in front of me playing with matches in your hands and a smirk in your face

Timed Thoughts. 1:24am

because that's who I am, the person that you have until something better comes along

and I wish that leaving me wasn’t so easy for you