Lost Love - Tumblr Posts

As the pretty blue gem got ready while in the dresser she heard a knock on the door "who is it?" "Its me Steven may I come in?" "Eek" she exclaimed , "y-you may come in". As the door slide open she peeked through and saw it was Steven but a different steven..... a pink steven "OH GOD YOU SCARED ME" the blue gem responded "sorry I scared you" the pink version of steven said calmly "I see your wearing the outfit the first time i saw you in" the blue gem was wearing something similar to pinks first pearl,pink pearl but it was blue. Kyanite (blue gem) had her hair down as well, "oh um I forgot how to do the bun thing ..... can you um... help me" she said shyly "dont you already know how,oooooorrr you just want me to do your hair" "maeby both , I dont know" she giggled "alright come here" the pink version of Steven said enjoyably. After that was done her hair was a dark blue but her hair was down and only w buns were there on each side "this is amazing" kyanite said excitedly, she rose up and twirled her way away from the pink steven, she giggled happily "you know" "hm?" I remember you would dance and sing, diamond me would always hear you sing and see you dance so happily. "I wonder do you still sing and dance?" The little blue gem looked at him and then to the floor "well... I still do but at different times, it's kinda complicated you see" the blue gem tried to think of a way to explain to her pink friend but couldn't know why... suddenly she got an idea

[Blue diamond au]

"You know .... when we first met I was always the crybaby amongst the other kyanite's. Of course you helped me and I was able to stop crying for well, over everything. But there was this one time when....."

[Flashback]

"My diamond as you know your human self was the son of blue diamond, and I was again crying all by myself. Steven was to busy to realize what was happening, I knew steven would check up on me many of the gems would say the diamonds were powerful dictators with no heart but steven had one. And so I was crying..... in my chamber, (room) thinking of how steven would be mad at me and thinking how much I've wasted his time on teaching me not to cry for nothing and everything, I had to calm myself down first and think what would make me happy. That was the first thing steven taught me think of something happy, the only thing that made me happy was seeing my diamond happy, that is every gems wanting. To make there diamonds happy, but was that what I really want....... I kept on thinking what could make me happy....

[White diamond au]

Besides not making every word I say horrible and not making those tiny mistakes, I rose up and started dancing. I remember how fun I would dance, did you know I was a ballet dancer when I first popped out , cause when every kyanite has popped out they dont know what to do so the diamonds order older gems to tell us what are we supposed to do and oh- my bad hehe anyway. So I started dancing, dancing was something I loved so much It would make me happy.

[Yellow diamond au]

Heck I would always remember how the instructor's would always get me in trouble for "not having poised positions" HA it was funny, when I was down all I got do was sigh and be happy...... aaaaand that when steven came along and ruined it. I didn't mean it like that way of course no, but he kinda surprised me when he opened the door and said "your getting s lot better, nice to see you niang happy" and I just turned around and just made a really hey you interrupted me face but the quickly faded away when he tugged my hand and said "come on I have a lot of work to do ...... and I need you there" I honestly didn't know why he needed me , probably to make sure I dont get into trouble but who was I to know?

[Back to pink diamond au]

So yeah" the little blue gem looked at her pinked friend happily "can we try that" "what" "can we try dancing" the pink steven gem said while rising up "I-I mean we did try dancing when we first met" kyanite looked at pink Steven surprisingly remembering how he was able to clear the sorrow hse had that day. As she thought she noticed the uniformed she made for steven when he was only 15 years old "your wearing the uniform I gave you on your 15th birthday" "oh ya I figured since you made it I wanted you to notice and show how great you made it" kyanite grazed the pink diamond shape on the right front of the uniform chest, the pink gem noticed how down kyanite looked "d-do you very wonder why Steven took this off" "steven took it off once he got engaged to spinel, I assumed he took it off cause he thought spinel would thing me and him were a "thing" being how close we were but, I don't know?" Kyanite looked down realizing all those year of crushing on him were for nothing and falling in love with that human in the zoo made it even worse. Suddenly pink steven took kynaites hand and took her in a dancing position, one hand on her waist the other on her hand , kyanites hand was on his shoulder while the other on his hand resting "wanna dance" kyanites facel it up with sparks in her eyes "ya..... sure" and as they took that first step they began dancing and laughing enjoying the night (time on earth is night)

Little did they know that they were being recorded....... while the non pink steven , diamond Steven watching there every move.

And when we meet Which I’m sure we will All that was then Will be there still I’ll let it pass And hold my tongue And you will think That I’ve moved on….

I will go down with this ship And I won’t put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I’m in love and always will be……………

“I just—I don’t think I love you anymore.”

It hurt—like a thousand suns burning in his core, a million white lies, a rockslide in his gut.

He swallowed, and tears threatened to spring to his eyes.

“What do you mean, you don’t love me. I made myself for you. Is the witty humor not enough anymore? The undying devotion? The kindness, all of it, I did it for you.”

Lila bit her lip.

“I’m sorry.”

“Tell me, did I not change quick enough, or did you change too fast?”

His voice was bitter, a winters cold bite, even to his own ears.

“Matt—“

“It’s Matthew.”

Lila paused.

His scoffed, angrily.

“You don’t love me anymore. I became Matt for you—I created myself around you, built myself upon you. I became the picture you painted in your mind. You can’t say you don’t want it and have it the same.”

A flush rose to her cheeks.

“You’re being ridiculous—“

“You stopped loving me!” He shouted, and after a moment, softer, “how could you not love me?”

A tear slipped down Lila’s cheek.

“You’re perfect. I just—I’m sorry. I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

It wasn’t enough. How could it ever be enough? He had taken classes to be with her because she didn’t like to be alone, had started the track to become a vet because she loved animals and wanted to work with the love of her life, hd cut his hair, and changed his posture, had gotten superpowers, had been sexy and cute and smart and kind and wholesome and dorky and funny and yet—

He was perfect. And still, she had stopped loving him.

Somewhere between Matt—Matthew—he had remade himself in the negative space around her, and somehow, as he changed himself, she had changed too.

“I still love you,” he offered weakly, and she turned her head, as if slapped. “I could change—“

“Stop.”

A tear dropped off the end of his chin.

“I’d do it well—“

“Matthew.”

His name, a plea. No more Matt.

Lila had killed him.

Lila sniffed, as if steeling herself, then drew herself up.

She looked him directly in the eye.

“You need to stop changing for others.”

“You liked it when I changed for you,” he murmured, voice raw.

She swallowed.

“That was different.”

“How, Lila. Different because it was you? Because me changing was romantic, not sad, when it was you? God.”

“Matthew—“

“You didn’t love me for me,” he threw an arm out. “You don’t love Matt, and you don’t love whoever I am now.”

Lila closed her eyes.

“I said I was sorry—“

“I became a new person for you, and you relished it, and now you’re sorry?”

She pursed her lips.

“It’s not like that.”

“You know it is.”

And whatever was left of his heart broke.

A match lit itself inside his chest.

Lila opened her mouth, and he cut her off.

“No. Just—stop. Stop apologizing when you aren’t sorry. I am going to go out, and I am going to find someone who loves me, not for Matt, not for Matthew, but for me. And when I do, I am going to love them harder than I have ever loved anyone else. Even you.”

Lila looked like she didn’t know what to say, as if she had expected the collapse but hadn’t expected him to bare his teeth.

“Go.”

When she left, she slammed the door behind her.

Eight months later, he met a girl named Kaylie in a coffee shop.

They ruled the world, together, five years later.

"it didn't affect me" *writes poetry*

in mourning, lost the one I'm in love with...to a skinny blonde. RIP

Bittersweet

I was in love with him. We had a weird, magnetic pull between us for nearly 4 years. He promised he wouldn't hurt me again, but only 6 months later he broke my love without warning. At first, it was that deep splitting pain in my chest, agony everlasting. 2 months of feeling this every. single. waking. moment. Even in my sleep, my dreams, I could not escape his presence. After all of this, finally, I'm starting to feel something different.

I'm glad it's finally over between us.

The way he did me, so dirty, made me love myself more. The more time that passes between us, the further the memories, my mind is finding some peace.

I'll never let anyone get off on screwing with my emotions ever again.

I think my problem is

that I'm actually a romantic girl at heart. Disney might have psychologically messed me up on the idea of "love", as I do believe in true love, soulmates, and universal kismet/serendipity.

Sometimes I feel a little silly because the world I currently live in doesn't have a romantic bone in its metaphorical body. I feel so much more hate emanating from society and people in general than I do love...and it hurts my squishy heart.

It makes me feel alone in the universe, and I always wonder if there is anyone like me or anyone that could like me, out here.

It's funny how love changes things.

His shirt was my favorite item, now it's just a shirt, not even a pretty one.

I am not repulsed by it, but I don't feel the need to wear it like it's an eternal hug.

Backtracking

Visions to life Pages to tell I cried out of strife And it didn't end well Decisions so callous Tears into shame I feel so much malice And you're to blame Even with all that I still care Longing for the days you were there Always feeling lighting stares Now I only wonder from where I miss our fingers intertwining Eyes locked , and us smiling I know how it ended up dying Guess I should stop whining Maybe one day I'll find you again And maybe this time, it won't have to end

if you don't have a fever then you definitely aren't even mildly sick, right? well that's the view in my family. physical health obviously trumps mental health which is a hush hush issue and funnily enough the last time i mentioned, yeah first time ever by the way, that i attempted suicide thrice, yeah you heard me right thrice, i was told that movies did that to my brain. but its ok. its always ok. it doesn't matter if i am shattering into pieces because there always a worthless one in the family who just can't seem to get anything right, even perfection has flaws apparently. i sit wondering what it would have been like to be loved by a family but i suppose i will always just keep on wondering about it. family is linked with blood but what do u do when you start hating them so much that you wanna keep jabbing a knife into his throat until he bleeds out? what do u do, huh? well i keep telling myself that it's all gonna be ok no matter how bleak it all seems. may be it's gonna be ok someday. just may be.

❝𝚒'𝚟𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚖𝚞𝚌𝚑 𝚝𝚘𝚘 𝚏𝚊𝚛 𝚝𝚘 𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚗𝚘𝚠❞

Hope, that’s where I went wrong.

You were my first. I didn’t know what love was.

I didn’t know what it should’ve felt like.

But I’d hoped it felt like you.

I loved you, with everything I was. I gave to you everything I had. I knew you inside and out. You became a part of me.

And I’d hoped I were a part of you too

It wasn’t always a bed of roses.

We had our ups and our downs, but we fixed it for each other.

And I’d hoped we always would.

Each time time we fell apart, I was always here.

Even when you walked away, found others, more than once, I was always here.

Because you came back to me.

And I’d hoped you always will.

But you didn’t.

You killed the love I thought you were.

You ripped me right out, like I were nothing more than a button in your life.

And you walked right away.

Maybe that’s where I went wrong, I hoped.

I’d hoped to receive the love I gave.

Or maybe it was that I waited.

I couldn't walk away. Even though you did.

No matter how I tried, I couldn’t.

Because I’d hoped, deep down I’d hoped, you and me would be what we once were.

Even now, a year after you walked all over my heart, I see you, and I hope.

Don't start now - dua lipa (cover) 🧚‍♀️

One day I noticed

One day I noticed,

When he walked in, I did not hastily clear out the table and make for my room. I stayed sat on my chair, square, looked up at him, let my my gaze linger in his for a moment and went back to my scribbling. He went about his, mumbling a remark or two in passing.

One day I noticed,

When he asked me what I was doing, I did not stutter and I did not look up, lazily I answered, "Just reading". I felt him pause for a moment, and I heard him puff--was that disapproval I heard?

One day I noticed,

I was not running, I wasn't trying to analyze the sound of his footsteps climbing up to see if he was angry. I did not move out of the chair I was sitting in when he approached so he could sit. I did not close the book I was reading when he made remarks about not wanting his girls to get funny ideas.

"Don't do that." Why. "Don't wear that." Why. "You listen to what I say." Why. "I pay the bills." No you don't, since when. " Girls shouldn't like that." Why not.

I was taking up space? Outside of the safety of my locked room, I was taking up space!? In the house, in conversations?

One day I noticed,

When he dragged my mother into their room, locked the door behind them. I did not grab my sister and run for our room and I did not try to console her. I did not tell her "Ma's fine, she's fine. Shh it's okay they're just talking, like how we are? Shh, It's okay".

I found myself outside that room, fists balled, banging, screaming bloody murder, "OPEN THE DOOR!!!". Bang bang bang. "MA, ARE YOU OKAY!!!?", Bang bang bang. "I WILL BREAK IT DOWN, IF YOU DONT FUCKING OPEN RIGHT THIS SECOND". BANG. (Got myself thrown out of the house for that one x)

One day I noticed,

That I was no longer afraid of my father. I was no longer just sad over the life I was given. (maybe a little bit still, it comes and goes)

One day I noticed, that I was angry. A little of his wrath had snuck past him into my veins, and whoever could've seen that one coming.

One day he noticed, that I was no longer the love starved little girl he could kick to the corner and leave there, because he knew she would come to him if he called her name sweetly.

One day he stood there, a hand raised to hit, when he looked into my eyes, almost the same level as his, and he noticed.

Thoughts of the day

And there was only one thing I wanted to tell him: How much I was in love with him and that I wanted to be with with him no matter what. But I couldn’t . Too many times he had hurt me, had not told me what was in his heart, had dismissed me and replaced me as if I was a toy sitting in a corner waiting to be in the center of attention again. My self respect told me how much I’d be devastated if he’d disappoint me again. Was there a point in trying again? It feels like I am splitted up. On the one hand there's my brain and it’s fears were protesting and on the other I couldn’t help but wonder how deeply my feelings have ran after I’d finally let them in. A decision had to be made. But I knew I couldn’t possibly answer or trusting in the fact the fog would disappear that lurred my brain. For now there was nothing to do but wait. Only this time I was waiting for myself to become clear, not him.

Because he was nice in the beginning did not mean he was a good man.

Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming (via simply-quotes)

He looked like he did two years ago, back when we were young and hopeful and much different. He looked like the boy I fell for, the boy who made me see love as something timeless, though the days of our infatuation were numbered. I’m haunted by a boy who no longer exists.

I’m in love with a ghost (via multa--paucis)