Trans Journey - Tumblr Posts

The hardest paths often lead to the strongest versions of yourself. Keep walking, and you'll discover just how powerful you truly are.

Well written Eva.

I had a 6 month wait between coming out and starting HRT, I would browse those trans timeline subreddits because it inspired me, it gave me hope for what's to come. But after I started HRT I started comparing myself to them and making myself upset that I wasn't making the same sort of progress they were.

Every post I saw I reasoned that they had probably started young or had facial feminisation surgery, but it got to be too much, I unsubbed and I don't miss it.

Comparison really is the thief of joy.

Self-image and acceptance as a transwoman

Sometimes Eva's posts cover fun topics like shopping femme and getting kissed by transphobes. This post is not one of those. Today I'm going to delve a little into my personal weaknesses that have come to the fore during my transition, in the hopes that someone with similar feelings may find some kind of comfort in the fact that they're not alone. If I sound painfully honest at times, well, Eva's an honest girl. I've no room in my life for self-delusion, so let's get this all out in the open and see what's going on.

Before I start, I have to say this is directed towards transfems and NB feminine types. For obvious reasons I can't really speak to anything on the transmasc side of things, and those lovely people have their own challenges and issues to overcome that I'm sure will be addressed elsewhere. But I wish you all the best with your journeys. Still, maybe the self-image things might be worth a read.

Honest from the start

When my egg finally cracked in May it was a huge moment in my life - probably the biggest. But it also left me in a desperate state. I'd known I was trans since I was 13, but that was at the beginning of a pile of long-term abuse that left me without bodily autonomy and thus the ability to do anything about it. The echoes of that abuse would shackle me until this year, when I finally broke free. When I realized in May that I would have to transition fully, the first thing I felt was not relief, but horror that I'd left things too late.

I was an awful mess. For two weeks at least I'd wake up every morning sobbing my heart out, feeling that I'd thrown my chance at life away. I was suffused with titanic anger at my abuser, who had without question ripped the chance of a timely transition away from me.

It was not a healthy state of affairs.

Luckily, Eva is a pretty damned stable girl. In the face of trauma I usually respond quickly and get back on track with whatever is needed. Call me Homeostasis-girl. Usually a good dose of introspection is part of the cure, and so it was. I knew I couldn't change the past, although maybe there were things I could do to limit its effect on my current self a little. But the future… my future was mine to shape, and mine alone.

But one thing was especially hard to come to terms with, and here I suspect a lot of transgirls will get on board with me. When you transition, and start HRT with trepidation or euphoria, the result can seem a little like Forrest Gump's box of chocolates. Who knows what you're going to get? But so many of us have seen what we'd like to get, haven't we?

The siren song of the transfem superstars

Whether it's here, or especially on the Reddit trans subs, sometimes you'll see pictures of a transwoman who's so achingly beautiful that it stops you dead in your tracks. Whether it's wild genetic luck, avoiding a male puberty, being gifted with amazing bone structure or whatever else, these transwomen are stunning. And they get upvoted through the roof, with hundreds of admirers.

When you're transitioning and you see these transfem superstars, there's one natural question that pops into your mind: Is it possible to end up looking like that?

The answer to that question is a resounding yes!

For THEM.

Who are you again? I'm Eva, and the last time I checked I didn't look like that.

Look, I'm human. I'm frail, and I'm vulnerable. I'm not particularly egotistical, which is good. But when I was a kid all I wanted to do was be beautiful, and now here I am so many years down the road and I feel duty bound to that kid to make it happen to the best of my ability. But I find as time goes on that the transfem superstar posts are more damaging to my life than uplifting.

I started to get a grip on it once I realized that they were little different to Instagram influencers selling an image of an impossibly privileged lifestyle that nobody can attain - not even them. Now I've never even looked at those - as I said, I'm short on ego so they don't appeal - but the beautiful transfems hit me right where I'm most vulnerable every time. Now it must also be said that, while their motivations will mostly be more honest than the influencers, they're likely still up-selling themselves. Do you think they just post the first pics and videos they shoot? How many takes did they throw away that they weren't happy with? But I digress. I love that they exist, and they're absolutely slaying their transitions. But they're not me - and they're probably not you either - so I at least need to find some way to get over it and stop it making me feel like a lesser transwoman by comparison.

Eva's AAAA plan

This is what I've been doing to help the mental and physical problems in my own transition, and it seems to be working. But hey, I'm just figuring this out as I go along. If you've got advice throw it down below in the comments.

Avoidance

Sometimes it's just easier to back off from the problem and concentrate on your own life. Yes, it feels cowardly, but if looking at those posts is screwing you up give it a break for your own mental health.

Acceptance

Now here is the reality. Look in the mirror. That's you. It's what you've got to work with, and you're in control. You don't even have to do a damned thing. Happy with where you are? Go with it, you're amazing. But if you've been through a male puberty it'll have left things that you maybe don't want, but are stuck with. All you can do is accept them. This is where you're starting, but where you end is entirely up to you. When you look on the trans subreddits you'll see the starlets with all the upvotes, and then you'll also see anonymous masses of posts with little interest, from transfems as imperfect as the rest of us, and those are the ones my heart goes out to with the most love. Wide shoulders, large noses and foreheads, big hands, prominent chins, tricky hairlines. Whatever they have to work with they're all beautiful, and I love them and know how valid they are, even as they voice their insecurities into the void and worry about passing. No doubt they're looking at the superstars as well, and it's wrecking them.

Action

This is where the fun really starts, if you want it to. But you really don't have to either. It's your body, and you can own it as is, and show it to the world with pride. Do what you like, you're just as valid either way and we're all beautiful people. But if there are things you want to change, never forget that you have options. Here are some examples, not good ones of course because Eva's only human and often gives ill-considered advice, but some of this works for me. Wide shoulders Lean into it. Women with toned shoulders look absolutely amazing - look at Spider-Gwen 😊 - and with the right workouts it's not the hardest thing in the world to join them. Or slim them out if you want. If you've little T floating about then avoiding shoulder exercises and dropping a bit of weight will minimize what you've got. Being tall I'm tallish, and I was depressed about it until I started comparing myself to the women I see around me and discovered that women the same height are out there! Yay, instant validation! I'm just on the upper end of the female range in Japan, so not unknown. But if you're 6'4" or whatever it's going to be down to your attitude, and whether you can project confidence like mad. Facial features There's no denying it, makeup works. If you want to minimize or accentuate a feature look into contouring and practice until you're an expert. Light and dark tones to reshape your eyes. Awesome lashes to drag attention there. Do not dismiss makeup as a waste of time. If you wear glasses consider changing the shape to cover what areas you want. Shape your eyebrows like a pro, they're massively important. Bushy brows are a huge telltale, so I like to go just a touch on the overly slim side. If you have the money consider facial feminization surgery if there are things you just can't stand. In my case I'm really wanting the lightest of lip fillers, and that's about it. But really, when it comes to faces you can do a lot for very little time and money, so practice and see what works for you. Hair No doubt about it, hair sucks. IPL works pretty well and is cheap, but damn it takes forever to do. Laser treatment or electrolysis if you can afford it, but be prepared to become friends with the salon staff over your long course of treatment. Epilators suck. Shaving sucks. Do what you have to, if you want to avoid the hairy look. Of course, some people like that and fair play to them. Body weight I don't get why this is controversial, but of course if you're plus size and happy then great for you! Otherwise the world is your oyster. I've been overweight, and I've been slim, and I prefer the latter, and from now on I want to fit into all those typical size clothes on the racks without issue. There are so many ways to get where you want to go, so consult your doctor or dietitian. All I'm doing is one meal a day around 1200 calories, and I'm losing over a kilo a week. I'm going all the way down to get rid of the male fat (it won't move on its own) then I'm coming back up with an ass to die for. That's the plan, and it's super easy for me. Tricky hairlines So if you've been having trouble with male-pattern baldness I really feel for you. You should be able to control DHT production with medication, and on HRT some people do get regrowth. Scalp massage can't hurt while doing that to increase blood flow. But for now that leaves wigs, and luckily there are masses of amazing and cheap ones to boost your confidence. Get a hair grip/band and learn how to use it, clips to strategically hold it in place, and wig oil/conditioner to make it lie naturally. There are also partial hairpieces of all sorts to cover various areas. Experiment!

Attitude

Finally we come to the most important thing, in my opinion. A good friend told me confidence was key for her, and she's so right. You can own the room, or be owned by it, and there's little between the two extremes. You know all those con artists who can wander into places unchallenged because they know how to look like they belong there? It works. When I go out now, I'm walking like I belong, I'm feeling like I belong, and I'm damned well acting like it too - and it seems to have changed my results radically. Fake it until you make it is the old cliche, but it's still as true today as it always was, so if you're new to transition and you're going out nervous and hunched over take a bit of advice from Eva and straighten up, walk with confidence and look around you like the world is yours. Nobody should ever doubt that you belong in this world, and you have the power to show them that. Be proud of yourself and what you're doing, and keep that chin up. And if you have a bad day, and surely sometimes you will, then go harder the next. Never let them knock you back.

So there you have it, my crappy little treatise on coping with the siren song of perfection, and accepting and working with what we have in our own bodies. Eva's naive at times, and I'm sure some will disagree with me in places, but this is from my own experience and, as I'll tell you time and time again, Eva ain't perfect. But she is becoming pretty cute, so she's got that going for her 😘

We're such amazing humans, in all our wonderful variety and strength of purpose, and we need to stake our claim as equals in this difficult and stressful world. But we can do it, and nobody can stop us.

Love you all 🧡

Eva ❤

So a week ago, I mentioned my desire to post more and I haven't done that, how embarrassing :D

Keep reading to find out what I've been up to!

Weight

This week I had a follow up appointment with the Dietician, I saw them a couple of months ago because I had lost a lot of weight when I was stressed out questioning my gender nearly 2 years ago.

It felt wrong to be complaining about being underweight when folks have trouble loosing weight, surely it should be easy for me to put the weight back on, but since I had no idea what I was doing nothing seemed to be working.

With starting feminising HRT last August I had read about fat redistribution, which isn't your fat moving around your body, when your take feminising HRT it instructs your body to store fat in the thighs, bum and hips. I had also read about folks putting on weight so I was hopeful that HRT would just fix everything, I was after all in a good position I basically had no body fat so I didn't need to lose it from those male places.

HRT definitely didn't help me gain weight, I had a 6 month check up with my Endocrinologist, I think they were maybe a little surprised but not concerned that I hadn't put on any weight. But even after my dosage was increased my weight didn't change.

When I saw the dietician the first time the told me that for the majority of the population, it's a good idea to avoid sugar, but for me I wasn't getting enough of it so even though I'd increased the amount of food I was eating it wasn't getting stored away.

They sent me some high calorie recipes for smoothies and milkshakes and I just doubled the amounts. Within 2 months I'd made it back to not only my pre-stress weight but back to the weight I was before I'd started my plant based diet 4 years ago.

I'm having to maintain it now but hopefully I can ease off on the smoothies/milkshakes soon or just reduce the amount I have per day.

HRT Anniversary

As I mentioned above I started HRT in August 2022, specifically the 27th so next Sunday will be my 1 year anniversary!

It almost seems to have gone quickly, the 6 month wait to start HRT seemed to drag on before I was finally able to see my Endocrinologist and get started.

I've got my 1 year check up with the Endocrinologist the week after so I'll probably post a big update then.

Japan 2020

3 years ago I visited Japan for 2 weeks, the last week of Feb and the first week of March, I seem to remember there was something else quite big that happened around that time.

On the half empty flight back to the UK, I started writing a diary of my travels, I got to day 5 then left myself a list of bullet points to fill in later...

Whoopsie, I'm going to try and fill in the rest of it from what I can remember, the photos I took and my Google Timeline. So look forward to those posts interspersed with Twitch live notifications.

Robyn ❤