Trans Rant - Tumblr Posts

tw: transphobia, homophobia

as someone who is trans i've always felt very close to castiel's character. he's an angelic being who doesn't fit in with the other angels, but isn't necessarily normal in team free will either. i've always connected my experience with coming out as how chuck and the angels treated him. i was forced back into the closet. my parents did not agree with hormones, constantly misgender me and all that. but i still love them, just as castiel constantly tried to show his worth to the rest of his tribe. however, dean and sam and all of the other humans accepted cas. dean once said “sorry cas, i'd rather have you. broken or not,” and it really resonated with me. tomorrow marks one year since i came out to my friends (tho i was already out to my parents for a few months before) and they're the ones i can openly be myself with. they use my current name, they use my pronouns, and we act like nothings changed. but upon seeing castiel's character being thrown out the window as soon as he confesses his love to dean, a man he's loved for 12 fucking years. it hurts. it really does. a show i only started watching before season 15 started. i spent my entire summer break watching and falling in love with characters i could connect with. actors i know who accept my kind. people who consider me family. normally i wouldn't care because i know there's never representation for people like me. but a few minutes of castiel crying and telling this man he loves him, only to die and only get mentioned once. to never have dean fully understand what happened. still beautiful, still dean winchester. for what? nothing. it makes me sick. and i bottle it up because i know they don't want to hurt their cishet viewers feelings. it makes me feel like castiel when he first arrived. an outsider, simply following orders blindly without any idea of what is actually going on.

so thank you, cw, for reminding me fanfiction is the only way i can ever get representation. because it's not only supernatural that you've ruined for me. you've ruined the flash, the arrow, swamp thing, batwoman, constantine, and every other dc hero you've picked up.

my gender identity is complicated.

I call myself a transman when I am not, it's easier than explaining myself to my parents. I call myself genderqueer, which I kind of am, but i rarely use it as a label. but my family would not understand that. I want to be seen as anything but a woman, but I am scared to let go of my femininity. I wear dresses and skirts and it's why my parents say they can't see me as trans. it's why I can't full accept myself even if I've changed my name and pronouns in social spaces.

Been feeling insanely dysphoric and awful since i left home & it’s making me just fall back into the “i’ll just be ‘girly’ bcuz the people around me view me as that and i get weird looks when i dont” mindset, which has pushed me yet again into the “maybe i should just quit trying to be me, it’s easier to just give up” mindset…

Which in turn is makinf me feel even more awful but also making me feel like maybe im lying to myself about being trans (im not, ive been doing this shit on a loop every few months since i was 14) GODDDDD

Anyone else been kind of socially detransitioning recently? Ive been out since 14 but im so tired and so scared and i just cant keep fighting for who i am anymore. I’ll never really be happy as a girl and i know that but i cannot keep fighting to exist anymore it just hurts because i know either way i wont be happy

Trans rant

for pride month here is my experience of the hard parts of being trans I’ll have to post a positive experience to balance out karma lol just feeling silly rn

because despite what many people think for me it’s not my body, or how I perceive/see myself

its know how others perceive me

it’s knowing that some people will only ever see me as my deadname

it’s that I have lost a lot of romantic options because of something I didn’t choose and sometimes don’t even want

it’s that no matter how much I learn to love myself and accept this part of myself there are people who don’t know me and hate me or want me dead for it

That’s the hardest part for me