Trans Vent - Tumblr Posts
Mmmmm
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and it's going to be my first time talking with a doctor about transitioning. :/
And like, I'm going to ask on my own so I have o\to advocate for my myself. I am happy, I mean, finally! yet I'm also scare. I've done extensive research so I feel prepared but- yeah it's just scary. Maybe it's cuz I am really starting this and I can't believe it. Or if something goes wrong or someone denies me or- I'm gonna go back to animating now heh.
Thoughts go brrrr
I don't want my body I want to run on soaking streets in that pretty green dress my Grandpa got me when I was a baby with a real flat chest and not a suffocating binder.
tw: transphobia, homophobia
as someone who is trans i've always felt very close to castiel's character. he's an angelic being who doesn't fit in with the other angels, but isn't necessarily normal in team free will either. i've always connected my experience with coming out as how chuck and the angels treated him. i was forced back into the closet. my parents did not agree with hormones, constantly misgender me and all that. but i still love them, just as castiel constantly tried to show his worth to the rest of his tribe. however, dean and sam and all of the other humans accepted cas. dean once said “sorry cas, i'd rather have you. broken or not,” and it really resonated with me. tomorrow marks one year since i came out to my friends (tho i was already out to my parents for a few months before) and they're the ones i can openly be myself with. they use my current name, they use my pronouns, and we act like nothings changed. but upon seeing castiel's character being thrown out the window as soon as he confesses his love to dean, a man he's loved for 12 fucking years. it hurts. it really does. a show i only started watching before season 15 started. i spent my entire summer break watching and falling in love with characters i could connect with. actors i know who accept my kind. people who consider me family. normally i wouldn't care because i know there's never representation for people like me. but a few minutes of castiel crying and telling this man he loves him, only to die and only get mentioned once. to never have dean fully understand what happened. still beautiful, still dean winchester. for what? nothing. it makes me sick. and i bottle it up because i know they don't want to hurt their cishet viewers feelings. it makes me feel like castiel when he first arrived. an outsider, simply following orders blindly without any idea of what is actually going on.
so thank you, cw, for reminding me fanfiction is the only way i can ever get representation. because it's not only supernatural that you've ruined for me. you've ruined the flash, the arrow, swamp thing, batwoman, constantine, and every other dc hero you've picked up.
god pedro pascal gives me gender envy and i can't tell if i love him or love to be him
I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
⚠️TW: mentions of harm
i hear people saying tumblr is toxic all the time. and while it's technically true, nothing is more toxic than twitter. i mean it.
because people took my satire shitpost that is probably the least that person has to worry about, and turned it into people calling me slurs and sending me death threats
i have thick skin. but what do i have that they don't? common fucking sense. they told me someone my age shouldn't be posting "political" things. my rights and my life shouldn't be considered political or a mental fucking illness. i blocked someone who said "who?" because their bio said they were conservative. i blcoked them because i didn't want it to go the way it did.
i may be young, considered a child, but the only ones acting like it support a terrible fucking man.
i'm not going to show the post because i genuinely fear for my life.
i mourn the man i could be. if i was allowed to exist outside of art
Bottom dysphoria is, and has always been, my worst dysphoria. It makes me feel physically sick. Even with a prosthetic, I feel so incomplete. Can’t wait for phalloplasty.
Redraw of my first post.
I’m angry again. I hate how my voice in real life sounds nothing like what it does in my head. I feel like a ten year old boy, and look like one two. Mean while all the other guys around me look fifteen. I know that I have it much better than most other transsex/ gender people, so I should probably stop complaining. I have a supportive family who’s willing to pay for my hrt and surgeries, I have a prosthetic and can use urinals/ male bathroom safely, and I pass almost one hundred percent of the time, even if it’s as someone much younger than me. I know I sound like a whiny teenage guy lmao.
This is less about my dysphoria and more about intrusive thoughts which often end up triggering my dysphoria. They often tell me that I don't deserve junk that I need to have in order to be happy and healthy, and constantly remind me that my current dick is fake. This often triggers my already shitty bottom dysphoria. My dysphoria often makes me feel that even after surgery, my dick will still be fake compared to that of cis guys.
Frankenstein’s Monster
The quality is kind of bad, sorry about that. Krita is not cooperating with me right now so I had to use a different program to animate it.
I feel like I’m running out of time. The longer I wait to start my medical transition, the more dysphoric I get and the more hopeless I feel.
Voice dysphoria be like
work in progress. rant art.
with a world that treats your body as a trap or something to hide and destroy it is hard to live without thinking of your anatomy as a dungeon.