Tw: Negative Thoughts - Tumblr Posts

TW: venting about my whole ass panic attack. So yeah

So I'm literally in tears rn. My acne flared up really bad. My nose is to big. My lips are too small. My hair just won't work with me. I may be skinny isn't good when your face looks like God hit you 1000000000000000000000x with the ugly stick.

My brother decided to say, "It's not that bad. Why are you upset?"

Easy to say when you have every female in the world falling at your feet.

Like all my siblings got the attractive gene & my genes decided I'd be the ugly one.

My teeth are messed up to. Not lined up, under bite. Got scars lining my body so that's another flaw to add.

Why would anyone decide to date me.

The guy I was dating kill himself. I would to if I was dating me.

He didn't even leave my ugly ass a note. Such a shame ig.

Got ADHD, Bipolar, ODD, Generalized Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, & now possibly falling on the Autism spectrum.

Ugly af

Annoying af

Always fall in everyone's shadows. Only this person's younger sister or this persons older sister maybe this other person's daughter.

Can't even make a name for myself. Sometimes I wish I'd disappear. I was suppose to have a twin. If she made it maybe it'd be better.

School is stressing me out. I somehow passed last year. Kind of tired.

I'm just tired.

No matter how hard I try or how hard I work. Nothing will ever be enough.

Not for me, my mum, my siblings, my friends, my teachers, no one. I'm never enough.

I have a panic attack my mum decides the cry.

What gives her the right. She looks great. She's witty, kind, independent, knows what she wants. So why is she crying. Literally nothing happened.

You're crying cause I'm upset & making everyone else upset. Literally not my fault I'm having a panic attack while looking in the mirror.

Hell now I've started starving myself. Afraid of weight gain ig

I lie. Say how cool my family is. How I don't care whether I am skinny or not. Lie that I'm not ugly or pretty. I lie. Straight through my teeth.

I pretend my life is so great.

No.

I never have been close with my mum. I've always wanted to. Seems everytime I start to I get pushed back.

My mother is proud of all my other siblings.

I gave up on art. I was like 12 or 13. I went to show my mother a drawing.

My mother told me to shut up as my older brother & sister were gonna sing. She couldn't even wait one second to take a glance.

When she decided to look. After praising her oh so talented children. She just said my drawing was cool.

I flushed that drawing down the toilet.

I've decided that I'll just not try.

I'm 16 atm. I try to impress my mother. Be a oh so good kid.

Never one glance.

Where did I go wrong.

My ex boyfriend gave me hope. Maybe someone could love me. Someone could find a way to look past all my flaws & see some beauty that I just couldn't see.

But the rope he hung from could say different.

No goodbye, no letter. Nothing.

Last words were him breaking up with me in a group chat without notifying me .

Having to find out through someone he hates.

Someone who he despises knew.

Then when I joined. He just ridiculed me. Put me down. Kept saying cruel words. Just to break up. Then leave this world.

I know I wasn't the cause. That his world came to an end. But why?

I've only ever looked at the bright side. Wanted to help others. Sit by those who hurt. Helping others gave me purpose. Hope that maybe I one day could.

My mother's name is Hope though. Even she couldn't believe in me. How ironic. The woman who gave birth to me is named Hope. Yet any hope she could've had in me never met my eyes.

I would leave the world as well. I guess I just like the challenge. Tried to leave a couple times. Each one a fail. For 6 minutes & few seconds. My heart stopped. I was at peace. Then my heart decides to beat again. Body decides to work again.

October 23rd 2018. Was my near death experience. Was great honestly. Sadly death just won't take me. No matter how much I've tried. Even death doesn't want me.

How ironic. Death takes everyone. Yet not me.

Take people I care about. Not me though.

I gave up on attempting suicide. Never leads me to death.

I just kind of exist now.

Mother won't let me get a job. Won't let me pierce even my ears.

She says she cares yet victim cards Trump all.

I weirdly love my family though.

My mother saved me from going to foster care. Plus my father was abusive. The memories that'll never leave haven't grown because of her.

Yet it seems I really was just part of the package.

To care for any of the others. I was just the con.

She showed up to my football practice in 8th grade.

She looked so proud & congratulated me on knocking guys 10x my height down. For once she was proud.

One of my matches she showed up to. I was knocked down by a kid. Are team lost. Any hope she had in me. I could see disappear.

She lectured me after. Saying how I could've done better.

I quit the team. Coach said that I shouldn't. It just wasn't as full filing when the person who gives birth to you. Well the one you spend all your time trying to make proud. Look at you with cold eyes.

I had a choir concert not even a year ago. I did the whole thing. Hoping maybe she walk in. See that I was overcoming my fear of singing on stage.

She texted me once I was done. She waited outside the entire time.

Didn't take the time to come in. I thought maybe she was doing something. Shopping or riding around. No. She just sat in the parking lot.

It hurts. I lost my childhood. Lost someone I loved. Lost any hope of my mum being proud. Lost my pride. Lost any love for myself. Lost any meaning for my life.

I've given up. Won't kill myself.

Wouldn't give myself the satisfaction. Plus I've tried to many times. Shot my shot. Missed everyone besides one that I rimmed & missed.

Guess I'll live just to survive. Then die peacefully in life.

Maybe I'll die saving someone. That'd be good to. Be remembered as someone who saved someone .

Well thx for reading ig

GOD. i was just thinking about the sort of circumstances that might cause blamore's desire to help people show through once again and/or just situations where he would be kind to someone in particular, which i get might be kind of unexpected, BUT it is still capable of showing human compassion towards other beings or people. and the first instance that came up in my mind was someone who has been abandoned / feels like they don't belong anywhere because they're too 'different' to fit in with other people and they express this through doing thing's that they normally wouldn't as well as by lashing out at people. and if i'm being honest, this is because he's been there and so it's hard to look at someone + fail to be kind towards them when he can connect with them — you know?

so, now i'm just imagining it helping someone it's come across while he's doing his power broking thing, because he realized that this was someone who truly felt like they lost everything. and they didn't even really care at this point whether they lived or died which... is really sad, to say the least. thus, blamore mayyy try to take them in and give them someone they could depend on, which would be him in this case and of course, would that always be the best thing? probably not but this something that it would do without any ulterior motive behind it SO that's something, i suppose (,: so basically what i'm trying to say is that blamore is liable to ' taking in strays ' especially who it sees itself in

"Why stay in Gotham?"

throughout his life, blamore found that he'd made a surprising discovery that sometimes, the most difficult questions were the ones thought to be simple; ones like 'what do you believe in?' and 'do you like who you are?' but blamore couldn't remember a single time where a question had been posed to it about why it had stayed here all this time, when it could've easily gone back to france, or literally anywhere else. he supposed this was probably because no one ever really cared enough to ask — or, because when someone actually tried to wrestle something genuine out of it regarding what it referred to as its past life, blamore had this nasty habit of lashing out at them.

the good moments of it were hard to remember after all; mere flashes compared to all of the bad times, which were like an ever-present smog in blamore's mind. it was a mistake to open up to harley about how all of his remaining family members were likely still in annecy and so it was alone here. but at the same time, blamore almost felt kind of grateful that she asked it this question. it completely stopped in its tracks when those words escaped the other's mouth; the sound of rain beating down on the umbrella blamore carried, as well as a sharp inhale, being the only thing to fill the silence between them for a few moments.

he was still here because he wanted everyone here to suffer like how he suffered. day after day, and night after night, the creature had tried its best to do what its father would've wanted it to do after all: to 'help people because they can always be better.' but after a long line of both perceived and real betrayals by people, blamore had cast out that very same ideology, as all it had caused it was pain. if only sacha (his father) hadn't believed in these undeserving people so much... he'd still be alive, he thought. blamore turned on its heel then to face harley as it pursed its lips. with its eyes focused on the ground and blinking rapidly, it then spoke up, ❝ why does anyone stay here? just because i told you i have family in france, harley, doesn't mean that they would welcome me back into their lives with open arms. ❞

blamore's red-rimmed eyes darted up to meet harley's then. due to stress, it's grip on the umbrella it held tightened slightly, ❝ so i guess it's just a matter of me not having anywhere else to stay. and i've got unfinished business here, because i did not become like this on my own. ❞

it was cold where he was. this could've been for any variety of reasons, blamore thought; from his body not being able to generate enough heat to a cold front suddenly coming into gotham. though, admittedly, it thought it would've heard something in the news if the latter was happening. blamore shivered from it all the same however. maybe he shouldn't have let what nico did to him hurt him as much as it did, which he thought was what ultimately led him down this spiral. but blamore also couldn't push aside the fact that taking medication for anything off-and-on probably wasn't a good idea. thus, that could've had a part in this all hitting it like a quote unquote 'truck.'

he didn't know. there might've been warning signs that something was changing with blamore after it had a fight with nico, its doctor and first friend after the whole wreck that was its transformation — but did it even matter at this point? this was something blamore believed he always came back to. he had buried his head in his legs, as they were pulled up to his chest now, and just hoped that the pain he was feeling would just stop already. blamore's pain unfortunately didn't stop at his stomach either. it likely had a myriad of problems from not getting up once for a week, some of them being perhaps a bit more concerning than others.

with the lack of activity came an increase in blamore's nerve pain. and it had never wanted to be anywhere else more than it did when it felt like electric shocks were coursing through its body, one after the other, while knowing that he couldn't get up even if he likely wanted to at this point. blamore had spent the last thirty minutes trying to use any modicum of energy it had to move into a position that would make it easier for it to breathe... his ribs being constricted in his current one, but struggled even with that. blamore blinked several times and tried to read harley's lips to better understand what she was saying then. did she say, `i told you i was coming?ˊ

that's when he remembered talking to her about meeting him here. what a tragic stroke of fate. the water that went into his ribcage had absorbed almost immediately, blamore reaching a hand in to cut one of the wilted flowers off of their stems with a sound of distress. it would hurt even more pruning them all and it hated thinking about that. blamore only swallowed thickly at what harley said at first, pushing himself up further against the flagstone, ❝ mm. well, i didn't want to bother you with my problems. i figured you were probably busy and i just... ❞

he sniffled, rubbing the spiraling mushrooms on one of his arms and grasping his arms with the appropriate lichen-covered hand opposite of it. another sob left its mouth, ❝ i couldn't get up. which i didn't even care about anymore during, like, the third day. because i'm sick of being in this body, and not knowing who i am. i mean, i knew who i was when my dad was still around, but not anymore. ❞ blamore rubbed at one of his eyes before cutting off another one of his wilted flowers. it looked down at it, sniffling once more, ❝ i mean, i originally thought i must've been brought back like this for a purpose. but i really feel like i don't know what i want or what i'm even doing here sometimes. ❞

Harley pulled up to Balmore's estate excited to discuss the future. Granted they were flirtatious at times, perhaps overly cautious, but it had been a long while since the blonde could let her hair down. The criminal underworld despite it's characters still had this unwavering ways. Anything and everything could be used as a weakness, and yet despite Balmore's position he never one had exposed her to shame for his own gains.

Normally, he was one to greet her, but when the house appeared empty Harley became unerved.

"Hello..., helloo.... ,"her voice echoed through the halls. Poking her head into various rooms, they seemed unchanged and more tidy than usual. Perhaps he simply had the cleaning crew in early and had stayed at a pent house within the inner city. All the same, if that was the case, why would they meet here? It wasn't until she reached the greenhouse alarms began to ring. This small place was a utopia of restoration and a peace of mind to him. Now this space seemed overgrown and unkept, like a graveyards left unmanaged and succumbing to its own thickets of briar and vines.

It took a few tries to open the door, but as the metal raked across the stones, she covered her ears gasping at the humidity surrounded her in a giant gust. Refocusing her sighs, she looked around. When she saw the outline that was clearly her good friend's, she choked even saying his name. Pulling him into her she cupped his neck checking for a pulse. He lay like a wraith in her arms and fear made her question... was I too late. When he shuttered Harley was surprised that in his state he still had the ability to talk.

"Shh... I told you I was coming remember," she questioned searching his features, before ripping herself from his grip. Unwinding the hoses, the blonde turned the pressure on saturating the ground with puddles as she walked back. The flagstone Balmore was upon began to take water, as it rushed along small crevices before reaching him. Despite it all Harley then stayed with him brushing back his mop like hair as she looked down.

" I said I'd come... if you needed me sooner I woulda' come jus' the same. Please tell me you knew that," she asked looking down.

I love the recent boom of fan-fancures in the past few years, it really makes the creator feel encouraged!

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