Yandere Text - Tumblr Posts

If this isn't the best thing I've read them idk what is

[Tsundere Yan returns home after curfew set by their parents - greeted by Bodyguard Reader walking their boss's dogs as they hop over the fence]

Bodyguard Reader: Welcome back, boss-

Tsundere Yan: [quickly fixes their clothing and brushes out their hair] hmph, not like you were worried- you didn't even come looking for me.

Bodyguard Reader: eh, you're an adult. If you needed me you would've called. I'm glad you're home safe though

Tsundere Yan: you....you are?

Bodyguard Reader: yup- [takes off their coat and drapes it over their boss's shoulders] but you might wanna dress better for the weather next time. Have a good evening, boss.

-

Yan's parent: You were out a WHAT time?! I'm going to have that guards head-

Tsundere Yan: [grabs their father by the tie -strangling him with the strip of fabric] If you give Y/N anything that's not a raise or my hand in marriage I will break every bone in your body, old man

"Your partner is a literal rotting monstrosity - how the hell are you able to live with that?

Reader: Hold on one moment- [pulls out their phone and calls their partner]

Undead Yan: Baabe? Oh my gosh, hiiii!~ - I can"t believe you called me first, I miss you so much! Heyyy, have I ever told how much I love you? I probably have the last dozen times I called, but I need to tell you everytime! I love, love, love you - come back soon, kay? Love you!"

[Reader hangs up their phone]

Reader: I get to go home to that everyday..... So there's that - and the fact their growling keeps intruders away.... Well, it keeps mostly everyone away, but I'm not much of a people person anyway.

Human Yan: I'll do anything to be with you!

Angel Darling: Ugh, even if i wanted to go out with you I don't have the time. My boss hasn't given me a break in centuries. Get rid of them and maybe I'll humor you with a date.

[an undefined amount of time later - Reader receives a call from the higher ups]

"Heyyyy, you! How ya been? That's fantastic!..... Anyway, God is dead and the human who took their place has requested you to join them at their throne. Hope you didn't do anything to piss them off! See you if you live!"

Angel Darling: ...sorry, can you repeat that from the beginning?-

[Angel Darling is teleported to God's throne room which has been converted into a diner. The new god clumsily fixes their tie and wipes blood off their cheek as Darling approaches]

Deity Yan, waving them over: H-hey! You look amazing as always... I hope you like pasta.

Angel Darling: Did.... Did you kill God just to date me??

Deity Yan: .... Yea? You're saying it like it was hard. I was going to save gifts for after dinner, but I can give you their head now if you'd like.

In abstance of my (second) favorite reader - A thread of fast food worker reader and the haunted establishment that has attached itself to them.

-

[A customer walks up to the counter after seeing Reader in the close ballpit face down]

Customer: Um, excuse me- don't you think it's inappropriate for a grown adult to be ballpit like that

Your coworker: Ma'am- please. It's site policy that they have to lay in the ballpit each day for at least twenty minutes so we don't have another missing person's incident.

You, getting a full body massage by the dozens of hands in the pit: This is the only reason I keep this job.

-

A coworker with a crush tries to console you after you get harrassed by a customer: Don't worry, Y/n- I'll protect you!

You: Let's hope you're not like the last one and fall victim to the Weeper

Coworker: the what-

[A hooded figure bangs on the restaurant doors]: Please... Let me in. It hurts so much. I just want to see my spouse again. It's been so long..

Coworker: Oh no, I'll let you in-

You: I didn't leave you, asshole! You keep leaving deer kidney's on the tables when I let you in!

The figure: ...you don't eat enough during your lunch break

-

[The restaurant's mascot walks out of the breakroom and hands you and other coworkers something before walking off]

Coworker: He... gave me a burger? That's nice of him... I guess.

You: Don't eat that. Whenever he hands those out the person in question goes missing.

Coworker: Then what does what he gave you mean?

You, holding a bouquet of roses: I don't wanna talk about it

The Storyteller is now fast food reader (and my) favorite entity at the restaurant.

Fast Food Reader, sliding the creature a piece of paper: I will give you exactly five kisses if you read this out loud for me

The Storyteller: Y/n will find the one happy meal toy they've been unable to find in the next meal they open.

Fast Food Reader, tearing open their box to find that exact toy: Fuck yeah.... Alright, pucker up, big guy

The Storyteller, blushing: I will likely go unconscious before the third

I just love the mistreatment of the other human employees beside fast food darling

-

Yan Manager: Nathan- we received yet another complaint about your attitude towards customers. One more and I'll have to let you go -

[Fast Food Reader walks between the two of them and spits directly in a customer's drink before passing it off to them while turning to face their boss]

Fast Food Reader: hey, boss- got your morning cup of coffee right here

Yan Manager: Thank you, sweetheart. Yet again you prove to be the most valuable member of our team

Nathan: I'd quit if you people didn't know where my family lives-

-

[A coworker searches frantically through the ball pit as reader walks in]

Fast Food Reader: someone lose their stuff again?

Coworker: worse- something stole my wallet when I climbed in here

[A hand reaches out of the ball pit, offering the wallet to reader which they happily take]

Coworker: um... Y/n? I think I'm sinking... Y/n, there's something clawing at my leg. Y/n? Y/n?! Help!-

Fast Food Reader: Tons of quarters in here... Time to finally set a new high score on that acrade cabinet when I'm on break.

-

Coworker: Since for whatever reason the longer you work here the more memories of people who don't exist anymore get planted in your head, apparently nobody has survived longer a week here. You've worked here for years. How the fuck do you survive and seemingly have gained the affections of literal world ending monsters?!

Fast Food Reader: by not asking stupid questions. Hey, lambchop

[Feeling breathing on their neck, their coworker looks behind them. The mascot pats reader's head and gives them an unopened bottle of water - all while holding their screeching ex-teammate in its other arm]

Fast Food Reader: *hasn’t had sex verging on two years now*

Fast Food Read: …

Yans: …

Fast Food Reader: …. *deep  conceding sigh* fine, first to finish my closing tasks for tonight, gets me to themselves for a couple hours.

[I hear you but I look fast Food Reader just tormenting their yans]

Fast Food Reader, standing on the counter holding a mic: I will be in the break room shirtless for the rest of my break. The first to find the key to the door without breaking it down will have the opportunity to spend the rest of the night with me.

[Fast Food Reader hides in the office holding the key as they watch the chaos in the main area sitting next to the janitor]

Janitor: ...why am I allowed in here again?

Fast Food Reader: because of what this alone does to you

[Fast Food Reader holds their hand for five seconds. The janitor almost immediately starts to think about what color curtains to buy when reader moves in with them]

Janitor: right..

[Gremlin Reader hijacks Miller's (Streamer Yan) streams] (gone wrong???)

Gremlin Reader: Evening, chat. While Miller is in the shower - how does it feel knowing your favorite streamer gets pegged by this guy every night? They may have kidnapped me, but I'm the one wearing the pants in this relationship. They're lucky this apartment is soundproof or we'd have people busting down our door from the noise complaints

"Proof?"

"Vids?"

"i honestly don't know who I want to be more..."

Miller, picking them up by the waist: This is news to me. How do I switch places with the Miller you're talking about? I ask if you want to join me in the shower and this is what you get up to instead. You can play with chat after we get you clean

Gremlin Reader, hugging their monitor: Chat. Chat, help me. Don't make me take a shower, chat! DON'T MAKE ME TAKE A SHOWER!

Reader: Please... Just put a bullet between my eyes now.

Kidnapper: Relax. If your family loves you, they'll pay the ransom

Reader: I'm not worried about you. My wife is a retired assassin and if I'm late to dinner one more time I'll lose my outside privileges for a year.

Kidnapper: You really expect me to believe that? I'm sure your wife's crying her eyes out to police right now.

Reader: Who said I was married to a woman?

[Knock- Knock- Knock]

Femboy Housewife Yan: Helloooo in there~ Has anyone in there seen my darling dearest spouse around? It's casserole night and they promised they wouldn't be late this evening. If it's your fault they're not at the dinner table right now [giggles] Well.... It's probably best if you open the door now than later...

Reader, squirming in their chains: Hide me!

[Yan Scientist approaches Slime Reader's cage]

"Doctor! Keep your distance! That creature's slime dissolves clothing as if it were tissue paper."

[Slime darling looks around their cage before pointing at themselves]

Slime Reader: ???

[They make eye contact with the scientist - opening their arms wide for a hug despite the walls of thick glass between them]

Slime Reader: :D <3

Yan Scientist: Everyone out of the lab.

"Doctor-"

Yan Scientist, messing with the keypad wired to the slime's cage: Emergency testing - everyone out of this room right fucking now.

Elderly Neighbor: Thank you for visiting me again, dear.

Assassin Femboy Housewife Yan: Oh, there's no need to thank me, Mrs.Smith. I enjoy our little chats - you are quite the lovely woman and they are a pleasant distraction for me while my spouse is away.

Elderly Neighbor: Speaking of your spouse.. Are they treating you well?

Femboy Housewife Yan: Why, yes. As a matter of fact, I believe they are the first person to ever treat me as if I wasn't a mere tool. I don't know where I'd be without them today.

Elderly Neighbor: I'm glad to hear that, Dear. You two seem like a perfect pair, but if they ever give you any trouble similar to what my late husband gave me there might still be some space next to him under those rosebushes over there.

Femboy Housewife Yan: Hm, I've always wondered what kind of fertilizer you used for your girls. I don't think I have to worry about my dearest hurting me, though I am aware of a few who have their eyes on them.... Could you kindly give me a list of flowers you recommended for a first time gardener?

-

Reader: You sure have been devoting a lot of your time into this gardening business lately. Glad you found a new hobby for yourself, hun.

Femboy Housewife Yan, placing a vase beside Reader's side of the bed: What can I say~ Gardening just buries all of my troubles beneath several feet of soil -

[A coworker walks up to Fast Food Reader wearing a hazmat suit over their normal work attire]

Coworker: Hey, Y/n... What's with the suit? Did another container of barbecue sauce get spilled in the kitchen?... By the way, is it normal for barbecue to eat through metal like that?

Fast Food Reader: The goat is in heat.

Coworker: I'm sorry?

Fast Food Reader: You know that huge guy who smells like raw meat never takes off the goat suit? Turns out they are a literal goat demon pretending to be a guy in a mascot suit who also happened to choose me as its mate

Coworker: .... Could you repeat that for me?

Fast Food Reader: Anyway, the goat is in heat and I used up all my vacation days for the rest of my life so I'm wearing this hazmat suit hoping it'll mask my scent from them til my lunch break at the very least

[A loud crash comes from the kitchen as the meat locker door is ripped from its hinges. The mascot stands tall over the bent hunk of metal - beady eyes trained on Reader. Fast Food Reader their coworker aside who falls to the floor as they book it towards the front door]

Fast Food Reader: Don't worry! They're probably too horny to kill you this time! They might be a little upset about you wearing my old apron, though! I'm sure you'll be fine!

"Marry me!"

Witch Reader: No, thank you - I have a cat.

"We could be so happy together..."

Witch Reader: My cat puts a smile on my face every other day, I'd consider that all happiness I need in this lifetime-

"Aren't you lonely?"

Witch Reader: My cat keeps me company... whether I like it or not.

"What makes this cat of yours so much better than me?"

Witch Reader: They are obedient...at times, if I desire peace and quiet I can quite literally zip their mouth shut, and, most importantly, they rid me of pests like you-

[A large, humanoid shadow towers behind the witch's admirer - claws hooking onto their shoulders as its head tilts to get a better look at its prey's face]

"Strike four...If only the little rats who chased after you aimed their efforts towards someone they had an actual chance with. Per our agreement I can eat this one, can't I, master~"

Witch Reader: Hm... not quite. Their liver could be useful to me in coming days so please keep that intact for me.

"Wh....what's standing behind me?"

Witch Reader: [smiles] My cat.

"Say, Y/n. Who are your new friends?"

Secretary Darling, sandwiched between two massive demons in human form: O-oh, y'know....Just some pals I made at work.

-

Secretary Darling: Did my skirt shrink in the wash? Why's this damn thing so tight- Ah!-

[Darling yelps as a tear splinters down the backside of his skirt. A snake demon nearby spits out water - spraying another coworker in the eye with their venomous spit.]

-

Succubus #1: Oh, darling, you simply must allow me to do your nails. You have such gorgeous hands.

Succubus #2: May I style your hair?

Succubus #3: Can I kiss you on the lips?... I mean- Do your makeup?

-

Secretary Darling: My feet are killing me.....Hm?

[Darling looks beneath their desk to find their hound demon coworker cramming themselves in the small space, supporting darling's legs on their back. Darling pets the demon as their tail wags]

-

Boss: Your insolence will not be tolerating in this business. If I were a lesser demon I'd have your head. You miserable, pathetic, idiotic excuse for a-

[*Knock* *Knock*]

Secretary Darling: Boss? A new donut shop just opened up near my place and I was wondering if you'd like to try one. My apologies if you're busy- You told me I could visit you at any time so-

Boss, chucking the imp out the window: Perfect timing! I was able ready to die again of boredom! Don't be shy now, come on in!

Murder Clown(Red): Mind telling me what happened?....

[Mime Reader waves down to the gang - danging from a tree branch by invisible strings.]

Murder Clown(Orange): uhhhhhh

-

Murder Clown(Orange): Half pint.

Mime Reader: >:(

Murder Clown (Green): [Snickers] Bite Sized.

Mime Reader: >>:(

Murder Clown(Purple): Aw~ Don't look so down, Mimey. If it means anything - you're still cute when you're angry.

[Mime Reader kicks over a pile of imaginary rocks - arms folded over their chest]

Murder Clown(Blue): A-alright, everyone.... I think you've teased them long enough. Cut it out-

Murder Clown(Orange): The fuck are they gonna do if we don't?!

Mime Reader: 💡:D

[Mime Reader blows several imaginary balloons - tying each around their waist upon completion. With a triumphant smile - they begin to float a few inches off the ground]

Murder Clown(Purple): Well I'll be damned. Point one for Mimey.

Mime Reader: :) .....!!!

[A strong gust of wind lifts Mime higher off the ground - whisking them away before the other clowns have time to grab them. Blue starts to sob as Mime reaches out for them - the rest of the gang in equal states of disarray.]

Murder Clown(Orange): Oh fuck! Pink! Give me your gun!

Murder Clown(Pink): Are you insane? What if you shoot them by accident?! You can't even see the balloons!

Murder Clown (Orange): JUST GIVE IT TO ME!

-

Murder Clown(Red): [holding mime reader in their arms] .....

Murder Clown(Orange): [visibly sweating] ....I-

Murder Clown(Red): Don't want to hear it.

Miller [Streamer Yan] and Sleepyhead Reader- If you think about it, streaming would be the perfect career for them -> that being Reader. Flexible hours, they hardly have to leave home. Hell, they could probably generate a following just putting a camera next to their bed. Reader doesn't really have to worry regardless since Miller is ready and willing to care for and support them. They'd dote on Reader as if their life depended on them and do everything in their power to make sure Reader got the well rest they deserved.

[Side note: Miller uses they/them pronouns only. I've had a concerning amount of people in tags/asks use he for them which makes me less willing to use them despite how much I love them.]

-

[Miller groans as a game over screen flashes on their monitor]

Miller: Sonofa- Wait-

[Miller stands from their chair, place a pair of canceling headphones on reader's ears as they slumber peacefully in bed. They return to their seat - slamming a fist on the table.]

Miller: Son of a bitch!

-

[Miller and Streamer Reader play a fighting game together- Reader staring to dose off as a cutscene plays. Miller switches their controllers as the round starts, switching them back as they shake Reader awake.]

Miller: Babe. Look, babe- You won!

Sleepyhead Reader: mmmm..... I did?....

Miller: Yea! You really kicked my ass there. You'll have to teach me a thing or two sometime.

Sleepyhead Reader: Wow.....

[As Reader celebrates their victory Miller quickly types a message into chat]

Miller: Whoever snitches is getting instabanned plus I'm slashing your tires.

-

Miller, shaking Reader gently: Psst- Wake up for a sec, something came in the mail for you.

[Sleepy Reader sits up in bed - Miller holding up a hoodie with koala ears stitched on the hood as Reader rubs the sleep from their eyes]

Miller: One of our viewers sent me the link. Whatcha think? It's cute, right? Go on- Try it on!

Sleepy Reader, wearing the hoodie: Soft.....[starts to doze off again.]

Miller, catching them before they fall over - hugging Reader to their chest: I knew you'd love it <3

[A random human wanders onto Farmer Witch Reader's land - coming across Reader as they rebandage a plant person's arms. A sign dangles around the Tomato's neck reading - "A tomato that bites people's faces off")

"Excuse me? - What is that thing??"

Farmer Witch Reader: They are a tomato that bites people's faces off. Despite their current lack of arms they are surprisingly efficient at it.

"Why don't they bite your face off?"

Farmer Witch Reader: I am his caretaker - same as I care for the other crops in my field.

"That makes sense..."

Farmer Witch Reader: Please excuse me while I grab their food. If you are not here to purchase anything I suggest you leave.

[Reader walks off in the direction of their cabin - Tomato starting to whimper as they leave.]

Tomato: My face itches. Could you scratch it for me?

"..."

[Farmer Witch Reader returns to find Tomato happily munching on something - crimson dripping from his mouth]

Farmer Witch Reader: Tomato.... We've talked about this.

Tomato: Hey- They read the sign. This one was deserved...Why would I ever bite you, Farmer?

Timid Reader: Gah!!!!! It's on the kitchen table! Aspen!....Get it, Aspen!

[Femboy Housewife Yan brushes the spider onto a newspaper and carries it to a window, ushering the small creature outside]

Femboy Housewife Yan: It's gone, dearest. Out of sight. Out of mind.

Timid Reader: T-thank you.... [starts to tear up] What have I become.... I'm a coward compared to how I was when we first met...

Femboy Housewife Yan: Darling! Don't beat yourself up like that. I love the shy you as much as the old you. Besides, we both know that wasn't the real you back then. Just like me.

Timid Reader: Yeah... You're right....

-

[Femboy Assassin Yan hisses as he's harshly yanked by his hair - hands bound behind his back]

Femboy Assassin Yan: Where are they? [spits out blood] If you hurt them I swear I'll-

Kidnapper: Relax. Your little pet ran into the basement when I broke in. I'll deal with them after I'm done with you....

Femboy Assassin Yan: Basement?.....

[The Basement door creaks open - Reader rushing out with a dented metal bat they batter against the intruder's skull]

Former Gang Leader Reader: You come into my house. [whack!] Attack my wife. [bang!] Force me to resort to violence. [crack!] I just want a normal life! Why can't you just leave us alone!

[Reader pants as they drop the blood and brain matter covered weapon - fat tears pouring down their cheeks as they untie their spouse]

Timid Reader: I-I'm so sorry you had to see that, Aspen. I knew it was too dangerous for me to get married.... Are you okay?

Femboy Housewife Yan - a dreamy smile plastered on his face: Just fine~ Heavens, that was better than sex, Darling... Though, you may need to carry me up to our bedroom now so I know for sure-

[Groundskeeper Reader tugs on a random killer's shirt, tilting their head curiously.]

Killer: Eh? Need something, Groundskeeper?

[Reader tugs harder, motioning for them to remove their shirt.]

Killer: R-right here? We're in the middle of the lobby!

[Reader nods, letting go-]

Killer, blushing: A... alright.... Don't go snitching to the boss about this.....Next time let's go somewhere private

[The killer takes off their shirt which Reader quickly takes - adding the bloody cloth to their laundry hamper as they turn to leave.]

Killer #2, walking by: Did you seriously think they were about to have sex with you in the center of the lobby?

Killer #1: Oh, so we can torture and kill guests in here, but sex is off the table??

Groundskeeper Reader who works in an allegedly haunted manor turned murder-mystery attraction, but the murder is real and the mystery is which guest ended up in the soup of the day- Whether Reader is human themselves is up for debate- They're satisfied with having a job that gives them a roof over their head and allows them to do their favorite thing - cleaning. The ghosts, ghouls and killers at the manor greatly appreciate Reader's efforts to keep their home tidy. They're adorable wandering around aimlessly with their shovel looking for a new guest to bury.

Groundskeeper is also selectively mute because they just like me sometimes fr and no talk, only clean. They overwork themselves to the point of not eating or sleeping which their coworkers are sure to fix for them. Again, whether Reader needs food is a mystery, but they'll eat if requested.

-

[A group of axe welding ghouls circle around Groundskeeper Reader in the cemetery-]

Yan Ghost: Wait, guys- There's something familiar about this one...

[Groundskeeper Reader ignores them, pulling out a spray bottle and hosing down a grave stone with cleanser. Reader reaches over the back of the grace - picking up their hat they dropped earlier and putting it back on.]

The ghouls, in unison: Groundskeeper!!!

-

Killler: Ugh.... I can't see out of the windows...

[The slasher wipes blood of the window with an old rag. Groundskeeper Reader watching in the background - nodding in approval before wandering off.]

Killer: The hell?.... Why does my face feel so warm?

[Later]

Killer #2: Dude, what are you doing?

Killer #1 - mopping the floors while occasionally looking around for Reader: Nothing.

-

Chef: Ohh, Groundskeeper! One of our dear guests forgot to finish their meal. Would you be a dear and take care of this plate for me?

[Groundskeeper Reader wheels their trash can over to the table, reaching for the plate-]

Chef: Ah, ah, ah!- We don't waste food in this house. Have a seat and eat up before it gets cold.

-

[Groundskeeper Reader drags a body out to the cemetery to bury it in one of the empty graves - ultimately falling asleep in the coffin. The Host of the attraction finds Reader - carrying them up to an empty bedroom.]

Groundskeeper Reader: ....

[Groundskeeper Reader wakes up alone, visibly distressed by the dirt they left on the clean sheets.]