Tony: Honeybear, I.. I Really Hope I'm Not Like Howard.

Tony: Honeybear, I.. I really hope I'm not like Howard.

Rhodey: You're not, Tones. Trust me.

Tony, sighing in relief: Oh yeah? Guess that means I'm officially a DILF then.

Rhodey: Yeah— wait what?

Tony: A DILF? Devoted Involved Loving Father?

Peter: What if the actual reason why our clothes are heavier when we get out of the bodies of water like oceans, is because we carry the weight of the souls of the corpses that drowned in there? Like, they're souls that haven't rested yet, and they can possess, and we're the nearest living thing so they try to attach themselves to us but end up being on our clothes instead.

Tony, crying as he cancels the beach trip: Peter, please stop, I'm already planning a different vacation plan—

Peter, high on coffee: I'm shitting, crying, throwing up, stepping on nails, and fucking fighting god

Harley: I only shit and cry, you’re a talented multitasker.

Tony, who walked into their convo: What the fuck, you two?

Ned: Okay, Peter, let's try this one more time. The topic is personification. The robot was left behind by its' master. How did it feel?

Peter: Happy, because it doesn't like the idea of slavery.

MJ: That's my boy.

Tony: You're so reckless! The third stab wound this week, this week! I told you I'm fine being sent to voicemail as long as you call back after!

Peter: But it's you! It's Tony-freaking-Stark! What if you called me for something important? Like, an Avengers-level mission, or an emergency!

Tony, pinching his nose: Underoos, you do know that I can just let FRIDAY automatically patch through if that was the case, right? Please just stop answering my calls mid-fight and end up bleeding on the streets! I have heart problems, kiddo.

Deadpool: Say, what's a less legal, more effective alternative to pepper spray?

Daredevil, without missing a beat: A flamethrower.

Spider-Man, who only wanted to team up for Team Red: *sigh* Guys, his knife barely touched me.