So For Those Of You Who Are Getting To Know Me. I'm An Art Lover. Art Lover As In Create Art. Not Know

So for those of you who are getting to know me. I'm an art lover. Art lover as in create art. Not know artist lol anywho, the detail in this and the expression I see in body, clothes as well as face is too dearing to me. I practice watercolor painting. I've dabbled in oil and it's so hard to do. With a bit of grit, I'll eventually get the hang of it.

Ernest Leonard Blumenschein (1874 - 1960) Untitled Oil on canvas 24 ¼ x 20 1/8 inches (61.6 x 51.1 cm)

Always classy... Anjelica Huston.

In the last few months things have been more abnormal, than normal for me. It’s pretty interesting to say that I find myself operating at a level of chaos that I shouldn’t be. Hectic situations are like being able to see the sun clearly. Where others only see purple storm clouds. I have always been grown. My youth was stolen from me. Ripped from the cage in my chest that holds my little beating heart. The adults around me forged a weapon against one another fom my little remains. Mother and child against father with son. Kin against kin.

Since the age of 7 years, adults have questioned me! Told me! Volun-told me what I should think and what I should do.

From there I was told how I should feel about my mother and ill fitting she was. And I was told about how much a loser my father was. Nothing, was fair for me. No experience of greatness thrusted for me to experiment of what I had come from. Only what I supposedly lacked.

By the ones we call family. On both sides, are the ones that create situations that ultimately have nothing to do with them. It’s always when the shoe is placed on the other foot they see how it feels.. …With no regret, I practice my bitch craft and I practice it fiercely. No hold bars. And anyone can catch a sift blade of my palatial sword. Burn from my relentless gaze.

I. Still angry because no one want to hear me speak. Vent, let out all of that anger. Tell my truth. I need to have the. Own up to what they have done. Admit that you were wrong and that I cost me emotionally type venting. In the end everything feels as it doesn’t matter because I was not planned more wanted in the first place. The shadows of there faces linger on my thought because I have been on my own for a very long while. I have been creating my own families. And still nothing ever compares. In one way or another I am, in the subtlest of ways. Reminded of my place in these places. In these groups, in these homes. I think that I will feel at ease. And at home, when I create my own organic family. Find my partner. Build a home. Create a stable life. And have babies.

I think that I’m ready to do this and never look back at those who I have come from. To never let my children and partner know what foolery, ignorance and contemptuous people that I birth from. “Now Is the time. Now is the hour. Now is the magic. Now is the power!”

Dear Diary #1

 Today os the day that I realize, that I have to stop being loyal to others. And become what this country wants me to be. A selfish entitled bitch who... Emotionally manipulates people. Because when you are.. honest, patient and understanding..... Things just seems to go sooo far left. You're hanging off of a cliff from by the tags of your clothes. Bent over. And all you can do is taste the water of the ocean, flowing up at you. 

Recently a woman who I though was a very close and dear friend has hurt my mother fucking feelings for the last time.  I now have realized I have or will have had a toxic trait. I unknowably “enable people”. I thought I was not a YES man!!!!! But! by not allowing people to move on out of their emotions. Not allowing them to try something different or! Become a simpler better version of themselves. You enable them to be the ship wreck they are. I use to validate there feelings and show understanding. I use to show them that they had a person who will make them feel seen and make them feel heard. Or actually be heard. 

The only thing that I realize I have managed to do is enable adults to truly not out grow their situations and feel that it is okay to stay stuck and bitch about it. all the while. I really thought I was being a good friend. A good and genuine person. I now realize that this is a relative thing. everything is truly relative. I cannot believe this!!! I cannot believe that I’m flawed. 

One thing you need to know about me, peering eyes. Is that in my opinion I think  everyone see’s themself in a non flawed state. I think people choose to see the best of who they are personally. I’m talking about personality. I have as long as I can remember in my adult life, try, tried! to be. Open and honest. Respectful and objective. And NO! I have not been. I have failed at this. 

The situation that I’m in is crazy. And all that I was trying to do was help. Help a close friend who I thought was moving into a family category. For GOD sake I actually thought of this person as family. I tend to mind my business. At least I usually do! And help where and when I can. I took on the responsibility of sheltering her adult child when he was in need of assistance. He’s 18 and pushing 19. He was being dense as all hell and found himself in danger.

 Being naive, He allowed someone to go to his connections house to get some weed. The guy apparently  was deeper into something that anyone would have thought. The person who approached her adult child asked to be linked up with some smoke and her son asked the dealer. The dealer approved! As her son was doing child like things. Playing video games and talking to girls. The dealer was being robbed. And heavily assaulted. Now! to sum this up because I’m getting off point and I have to get back from break. He’s on the “run” and he’s been linked up with me for a while....... To Be Continued! 

A little goes a long way!

I woke up today at 3:00am.... it was relatively dark. I usually wake up at 5 to do some ill attempt at working out. But! when I woke up today. My body knew it was too early. In my large queen size bed. Half dressed in clothes I dare not put away because well. I 'm a mess. When I need to look do things its hard to find them because they are folded and I cannot Identify what's what! I turn over from facing my wall. To the large pile of clothes that literally take up half of my bed.

In the pile, I sift through the close to find my phone and Wa La. I find my phone and the time of 03:00. From here, I turn back over to face the wall and recover myself with my blanket that's half swallowed by my clothes. The room is cold. And my body is starting to be alert as if I'm awake now. Annoyed at the fact my body is waking up. So does my consciousness. Drifting from the silent space of empty thought. In to this warm aware and loud sounding space in my head.

I turn from the wall on to my back and glare up at the ceiling. Bored already. Time is beginning to move. I don't want to get up. I not want to move my body and force this fat that's been keeping me warm to leave. My natural winter coat. Keeping still, I lay there. lightly thinking of what exercises I should do. This is a morning of many. Bored with this routine, I glare away from the ceiling to my phone and scroll the ticktock. Bored even further with the usuals of what's my (for you) page until I come across. The show "What would you do?"

I like this show because it is a light form of social experiments. Putting people in predicaments to see if they will or will not step up in a time of need. So I watched a few clips and then drift over to YouTube from ticktock. Because the episodes are much longer on YouTubes platform. There I watch some interesting ones. And ones that are a lot more serious. I think I watched five. In this time I have wasted my sleep time watching videos. Now! I'm even more annoyed with myself. I should have just went back to sleep. It's 06:00 and Now I'm up writing. lol

But! one of the videos struck a cord for this entry. The spoiled child! the last video was about a parent who was on a budget of $100.00 and a child who was rude and mean to his mom. He wanted the $200.00 sneakers and she could only afford the $100.00 sneakers. the scene begins where they walk into he store and he's a head of her. She kindly and politely reminds him of there budget a he starts to call her stupid and yell at her. Then he tries to get people on his side. But! Of course the other adults, sided with the mom. And also tries to reason with the 13 year old boy.

Then, this has me thinking about my own experiences. With my mother. Where, one, she would have literally slapped me. And also embarrassed me too for speaking to her like that. And two, she would have gotten a pair of shoes for me without me knowing. I would have been told I have a new pair. That would have been that. Event though my mother took us clothes shopping it was always, stand here and hold that. Or! I would look very annoyed and wait for her to shut the hell up because she decided to have this long drawn out conversation with who'm ever she met that day. About me and how fast I was growing. And how expensive I was becoming for her. HUmmm It's not like I gave birth to myself.

Many times I have heard my mother talk bout how she provided for me and my brother in a way that was triggering for her! (My words not hers) Meaning. She got us all the things that she never had. We did all the things that she was not able to do when SHE was young. so! This has me thinking! About the scenario on "What would you do?" If this was real. Are people projecting on to their children, the way my mother was to me? And if so! Is this the behavior that has come from it? And! Is it the Childs fault? Behaving this way, when in fact. The child is not having their own unique experience. But a parallel reality to their parents. To me this is not a real reality. Parents living through there children are not giving their children what it is the actual child needs. To me its a double edge sword. Can we say that this is emotional vampirism. I give you what you need but I give it to you in the way that feeds me from you?

All this thinking so early in the morning. lol So then, I started to think about another time that I've come across this. My house guest was having an issue with for all intended purposes his stepfather. My house guest's mother and her man are common law married. They have been together for 10 plus years. I believe in the state of New York that is Common law. There have been many ups and many downs. Sided with a plethora of arguments of thee most mundane. At least I thought they were silly until I stopped riding my high horse. Down I came with a lent ear. I wanted to know why they argued all the time.

My house guest was much younger than he is now. When this specific situation occurred. And his response was that there's no space. Which I do agree. It maybe a 3 bedroom apartment but there's more than four people living there. Space was defiantly an Issue. The other reason given was that! there was nothing for him to do! You can imagine my surprise when I heard that response. Nothing? there's nothing you could do!? He says no! So I asked. You need to go further in explanation. How could there be noting for you to do? There's outside. There's the internet. And he just me off and says that he's not allowed to go outside. He's not allowed to be on the internet at a certain time. I gasped for air. I Was lost and confused as to why would you not be allowed to go outside or be on the internet.

To. me I thought he was being dramatic. So I go to his stepfather and asked what's wrong. I know it was none of my business. From time to time we all need to talk about what it is that others us. I'm in my 30's and well my generation is the bridge I like to think that has just begun to say it is okay to have feelings and express them too. The stepfather is pushing 60 I think. I know that he is in his mid to late 50's. In his. time men were raised to be emotionless. Not that they could not show emotion. It was that they could not show one's that made people think less of them.

I understood that I had to walk on egg shells. That this person has a strong history of feeling emotionally attacked. with all this being said it took me a few hours to pierce his wall and let him know that he was in a safe space with me. That what ever was said would be safe. Not shared and not made fun of. Listening is just not, If not, more effective for people's spirit than actually talking. Listening with out interjection. Listing without faces and judgment can really bring life back in to a place that was bare and raw. I eventually had to ask him questions when he started to slow down in his expressions. What had come from this was that his father was never home. His father never cared what he did or did not do. He didn't feel protected. Valued or cared for. So inches way this was how she was showing it to my house guest. But! I tried to explain to him. That what he's expressing to my guest was not his issue. What he is seeing with you is a man who won't let him do anything. A man who's hard on him. and for what?

I love listening to people speak. Because in that second of me telling him what he said. Playing it back of him. Word for word. Slowly. He then realized. How his step son felt. How his feelings were being projected on to my house guest and that he also does that in other areas of his life. Has he changed? A bit! He's much older now! From when this situation happened. Because he is a man who has been taken and manipulated by the system and fell into it's traps. He still has a long way to go. Before he is fully different. But! what is important is that he is man who cares for his children and stayed. I can not believe I've gotten all this from laying down in bed, being bored.