NO

NO

I’m crying so hard.

I was desperate to hear him say this for years.

I can’t explain how I’m feeling, but I don’t feel good about any of it.  

I hope he says something horrible tomorrow.

Refresher. 20.5 weeks no contact.

Every day I remind myself that I should mourn for the past I lost to him and not the future I think I’ve lost without him.  

Old habits

I make it easy to hurt me. I make it even easier to excuse it. 

I was offered a contract. Apparently I can pull my shit together pretty convincingly.

Funny Survivor Stuff

I have an interview in an hour.

You may or may not know that i hate my job and have been desperate to get out for some time.

Plus he knows where I work and if I change employers that will be one less place he can find me.

So this should be a good thing right?

I’m so filled with dread and anxiety i have been standing naked, dripping wet in the bathroom after my shower willing myself to get ready for the last 30 mins.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

And I will allow myself to enjoy it.

Seven Months

Since I’ve had sex. This is the longest I’ve gone by far since I started when I was 15.

I have a very complicated relationship with sex, and I don’t know if I’m prepared to write on it just yet. However I can say that he made so many things worse: shame, humiliation, and ridicule - among other things.

I was certain, back in October when we first ceased contact, that I would never have sex again.

I am not ready, but I am certain now, that I don’t want that to be true.

One day, when i know myself and I trust myself, I will let someone touch me again.

Reminder

A soft heart is not a liability. Those that hurt it are.