Old Habits

Old habits

I make it easy to hurt me. I make it even easier to excuse it. 

My hands are shaking.

I only need a minute after you’re done kicking me while I cower in fetal position.  I just need to steady my breathing after you’ve finished and left me in a pile. I’ll get back to making dinner and it’ll be ready soon. Don’t worry.

Funny Survivor Stuff

I have an interview in an hour.

You may or may not know that i hate my job and have been desperate to get out for some time.

Plus he knows where I work and if I change employers that will be one less place he can find me.

So this should be a good thing right?

I'm so filled with dread and anxiety i have been standing naked, dripping wet in the bathroom after my shower willing myself to get ready for the last 30 mins.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Women’s Shelter part 2:

My experience was not good, hence the negativity in my last post about it.  Let me explain.

My intake worker asked me all of the questions that you don’t ask a survivor.

“Why didn’t you leave?”  “You didn’t have children?  What kept you there?” “So he did all that to you and you still didn’t tell anyone?” “Do you still love him?”

This woman had a lot of experience in her line of work.  So not only does she know the answers to these questions, she knows that asking these things is outrageously distressing because I don’t have the fucking answers.  

This wasn’t supposed to be therapy, and I'm shelling out my deepest, darkest broken bits during our first meeting?

After my Personal Danger assessment her advice was to “take extra care.” I half expected her to extend me her “thoughts and prayers.”  

There are two different group meeting types - an "introductory" and “advanced” group. They recommend you do 6 weeks of the first before jumping into the second.  Which is swell, except they only offer that during daytime hours, and I work a 9-5. So i choose the second one because I have to and then she tells me “Ok, you’ll probably be looking at getting a call toward the end of the summer.”

Let’s summarize, I was:

1. Unnecessarily emotionally ravaged by someone I don’t know. 2. Told in an official capacity that I am in mortal peril. 3. Given 0 tips, tricks, or otherwise on how to protect myself. 4. Recommended an 'essential step' and told " oh nevermind" because they can't accommodate me. 5. Advised that it would be MONTHS before I’ll be able to partake and further my healing.

HAVE YOU PEOPLE EVER HELPED SOMEONE IN CRISIS? 

IS THERE A SUGGESTION BOX ANYWHERE?!

CAN I SWEAR IN HERE?!

And I will allow myself to enjoy it.

Seven Months

Since I’ve had sex. This is the longest I’ve gone by far since I started when I was 15.

I have a very complicated relationship with sex, and I don’t know if I’m prepared to write on it just yet. However I can say that he made so many things worse: shame, humiliation, and ridicule - among other things.

I was certain, back in October when we first ceased contact, that I would never have sex again.

I am not ready, but I am certain now, that I don’t want that to be true.

One day, when i know myself and I trust myself, I will let someone touch me again.

Learned Behaviour

His dad was abusive. Violent. And his father before him.

Once he asked his dad for money for a field trip and his dad threw him into a wall so hard he went through the drywall and ended up in his sister's closet.

He wasn't born with these skills.

His mother told him when he was in highschool that regardless of what happened, she would always back her husband over him.

He wasn't born cold.

I know exactly where he comes from.