Old Habits - Tumblr Posts
Old habits
I make it easy to hurt me. I make it even easier to excuse it.
I am embarrassed to admit that I let him put one of those parental control apps on my last phone. It was after it all came out, and I did it as a sign of good faith. I had changed. I wasn't a cheater. I was actively building him up and saying good things about him.
He saw every text and every email. He knew exactly where I was at all times. I found some ways around it - he couldn't see whatsapp for example - but would see my useage of that app and then read all of my messages the next time we were together.
I had to navigate conversations with friends and my parents very carefully during that time. if he saw something that even remotely resembled a negative word or feeling about him from someone I was in for it.
I was constantly analysing all of my conversations, anticipating any possible interpretation. I would stategically delete parts of whatsapp convos with friends I didn't want him to see, and then agonize if the parts I had left made sense as part of a conversation.
He flipped shit a handful of times over spam I received despite that it clearly came from a shady source (sjxudnssjxu@fkzkakdn.bn.sk.ho.... Looks legit...)
When I got the phone I currently have in January of 2017 he told me he didn't want the app anymore. I took it as a sign that he was giving up on me and was devastated. But I always had the suspicion that he added it on somehow without me knowing it. At the time, I found that satisfying.
After waking up that fear terrorized me. He's calmed down trying to get ahold of me, so I have relaxed some in my paranoia. But occasionally i still rethink my word choice just in case *someone* is reading.
Ghosts
Driving in our his neighbourhood this evening. That tightness in my chest returned. I held my breath when I drove past our his road.
The neighbourhood is haunted. Cursed.
Ah. Some things haven’t changed
During social engagements I am either:
A) scrambling to find something to say.
B) wondering why i am/chastising myself for talking too much.
There is no happy medium. Whatever i have done is incorrect.
following my post about cursed etho facts, many of you have enlightened me to the fact that you STILL use double tap to sprint in the glorious modern times of 2024.
so we are going to see which method is superior: