One Time He Nearly Choked Me Out Because He Wore One Of His Socks Inside Out.

One time he nearly choked me out because he wore one of his socks inside out.

I am organizing and shredding paperwork today. It's an insurmountable task and it makes me sick to my stomach. It's the only chore that gives me irrefutable proof of failures and horrible memories.

I have found so many things with both of our names on it still. Every time I think I've got it all, I find another stash.

you do things despite feeling afraid. you get out of bed when your mind aches. you ask for help when you need it and try not to stay inside all day. you try to talk yourself out of bad choices. you search for the good things and beauty that are hard to notice. you tell yourself that things will get better, despite feeling otherwise. you treat yourself gently, even though you’re never far from wanting to return to square one. you try your best despite feeling tired. you’ve come a long way from where you started. you want to heal and you’re getting there. that’s something to be proud of.

Because traumatized people often have trouble sensing what is going on in their bodies, they lack a nuanced response to frustration. They either react to stress by becoming “spaced out” or with excessive anger. Whatever their response, they often can’t tell what is upsetting them. This failure to be in touch with their bodies contributes to their well-documented lack of self-protection and high rates of revictimization and also to their remarkable difficulties feeling pleasure, sensuality, and having a sense of meaning.

“The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel van der Kolk

He used to tell me that if I tried to say no to sex that I was being manipulative. My witholding was "punishing" him in an emotionally abusive way.

So I'd wipe the tears off my face, take a few deep breaths and let him have whatever he wanted.

I can smile and turn on the charm and climb on top of your dick five minutes after you called me a useless cunt. I’m so good at at “ getting over it ” for you; I can swallow my pain and rage for an eternity.

“Healing is layers. Healing is time. Healing is excruciating. Once you think it’s done, it’s not.”

— Mary DeMuth (via i-am-strong-all-on-my-own)