Healing Is Layers. Healing Is Time. Healing Is Excruciating. Once You Think Its Done, Its Not.

“Healing is layers. Healing is time. Healing is excruciating. Once you think it’s done, it’s not.”

— Mary DeMuth (via i-am-strong-all-on-my-own)

Edit:  Apparently I’ve already reblogged this.  I suppose that speaks to how bang on it is.

How It Feels

Part II: Emotionally Abusive Relationships

Picture the shittiest customer service job you’ve ever had. Customers are constant and you’re so overwhelmed you can’t think about yourself at all. Your personal life, your bodily needs (you don’t even get a lunch break; when was the last time you had water?) or your emotions. 

You’re expected to perform perfectly and to always keep a smile on your face, no matter what. You need to be polite and accommodating even if people are screaming at you, and even if people threaten you for no reason. 

Your boss thinks you’re an idiot and is constantly condescending and patronizing. He explains your own job to you and implies you’re incompetent, but to avoid offending him, you can’t defend yourself, you can only thank him for his ‘advice.’ He can snap at any minute and fire you, and you need the job desperately, because he has all kinds of contacts and influences in the community and will make sure no one ever hires you again. He makes it very clear that he owns you, but would never say so outright. 

You are not allowed to talk to anyone about how bad this job is, under contract. He considers it unprofessional and a threat to the success of his company, and has threatened to sue if any employees quit and talk about the reasons they quit. He has the power to make your life even worse than it is now. 

But outside the workplace, your boss is known as a philanthropist. He is generous and charismatic, and everyone constantly reminds you how lucky you are for getting the job. 

Now picture that feeling not just at work, but everywhere. This environment is your home. This person sleeps in your bed. They go everywhere with you, or demand you check in all the time. They know all your passwords. They look through your search history. They have access to everything you know and have and are. 

You still have to be polite, accommodating, apologetic, understanding, thankful. You still have to keep smiling.

you do things despite feeling afraid. you get out of bed when your mind aches. you ask for help when you need it and try not to stay inside all day. you try to talk yourself out of bad choices. you search for the good things and beauty that are hard to notice. you tell yourself that things will get better, despite feeling otherwise. you treat yourself gently, even though you’re never far from wanting to return to square one. you try your best despite feeling tired. you’ve come a long way from where you started. you want to heal and you’re getting there. that’s something to be proud of.

I just want to thank you for sharing your experience and recovery. I've been with my husband for 20 years. The marriage is sexless because of his refusal to take care of himself for years and years as well as he is emotionally and verbally abusive. He never hits me but sometimes will pretend that he is going to or throw things at me and humiliate me. I'm in therapy and trying to be strong and leave but I don't know how yet. You are an inspiration to me. Thank you. ❤️

You sent this to me ages ago and I didn't have it in me to respond at the time. I'm sorry for that. I am also sorry for your current circumstances. Abuse is abuse and you don't need to try to fit your experience on some sort of spectrum of terribleness. It's all terrible. You deserve so much better and only he can be to blame for his treatment of you.

Leaving is complicated and difficult. You're incredibly brave and unbelievably strong for considering it and contemplating the steps to make it happen. But if you're not ready yet, it's ok. Leave when it's right for you.

In the meantime, know that you are worthy, exactly as you are right now. You are important and not those awful things he and your brain try to tell you.

Thank you for messaging me. It was so good of you to reach out.

-EDG

He did not understand sentimental value. I keep little things that people give me or that remind me of special times.

Some people keep pictures in this way. These things are fabrics in the tapestry of your history But not to him. Junk. Hoarding. Wasting space.

His mom gave him old pictures of him and his family. He didn't care and was really angry when I insisted we keep them. So he made me hold on to them, and here I am still holding on to them out of guilt.

These things are all sacred. I am having such a terrible time trying to throw them out.

He used to tell me that if I tried to say no to sex that I was being manipulative. My witholding was "punishing" him in an emotionally abusive way.

So I'd wipe the tears off my face, take a few deep breaths and let him have whatever he wanted.

I can smile and turn on the charm and climb on top of your dick five minutes after you called me a useless cunt. I’m so good at at “ getting over it ” for you; I can swallow my pain and rage for an eternity.